Told colleague I'm 16 weeks pregnant and asked to keep it quiet.

So we are answering a different Q about a different issue.

We don't know your colleague and her motivation. I think she was reasonable and (like us) thought you were getting twitchy about your promotion falling through.

You sound like you're determined to pin something on her, if you're struggling this much and crying at your desk maybe you know deep down that you aren't really ready for promotion!

So if everything is fine, you'll get your promotion or take out a grievance regardless, what are you worried about?

You've been given sensible advice here, but I'm not sure if we're answering the Q you thought you were asking.

Could you tell us exactly what the issue is? You seem to have given your colleague and us the impression that the bigger boys in your business will discriminate against you if you tell them tomorrow that you're having a baby next year.

@Lemonsqueez as the majority of previous posters have stated, she is not unreasonable to advise you to wait as long as possible.

I presume both she and you have an idea about the company culture?

Yes, pregnancy is protected but if you raise a grievance isn't it unlikely that you will remain with this company and your promotion will be lost anyway?

I understand you are stressed and inundated with work, so it does put you in a difficult position.

It would be in your best interests, just to take note of what she said but then extrapolate all the possible scenarios so that you actually, ultimately get what you want.

Congratulations @Lemonsqueez, exciting times ahead.

eta; missed word

Proving it isn’t that easy though. Putting forward is not the same as being guaranteed a promotion and it’s suddenly taken away for pregnancy.

Just because you don’t get a promotion that doesn’t mean it happened because you’re pregnant and you’re being a bit naive that you can easily prove that.

Your friend gave you what she thought is sensible (but actually unrealistic) advice so not sure why you’re so annoyed at her.

Crying at work, anxious and already talking about grievances.
Are you sure this promotion is a good idea?
YABU with regard to your colleague.

What do you mean by 'being put forward'? If it means that you are on the short list amongst others, then surely it's not a guarantee anyway.

The problem you have in this instance is that they could find ways ro justify one of the other candidate was better than you and the onus is then on you to prove there was discrimination.

You have to decide whether to announce it now so that they might show some understanding if your performance dip a bit as you can justify it by being pregnant but of course, that means they could plan how to give the promotion to someone else.

Or you can delay it as long as possible, so that it becomes harder for them to plan to give the promotion to someone else but you need to continue to excel to justify the promotion.

It sounds this is what the Dire tor was trying to explain to you.

Great- you have a plan. You weren't that clear in your OP- it sounded as if you were going to be competing for a new role. If you've been put forward for recognition of what you're already doing and keep a paper trail then they'd be in hot water for retracting it.

You're annoyed at the colleague for giving impossible advice but she was just showing concern. Her involvement isn't the focus - just take it that it came from a good place but if you're really showing now and travelling with the team it's going to be more stress than it's worth to try and brazen it out for 3 more months, surely?

You've said that your current workload is too much for you to keep up with at the moment, so it seems like good advice from her? If you tell them that you can't manage your current workload, a promotion is probably not going to work for the company.

She was just saying what she thinks and she’s probably right. She hasn’t told you that you can’t tell people. She’s told you that in her opinion, you may miss opportunities at work because you are pregnant. Nobody wants this to be the situation but unfortunately it is.

She’s told you to hold off as long as is reasonably possible, not to hold off until March.

I did exactly this myself for the same reason 🤷‍♀️ I don’t think you have to formally say until around 24 weeks (?) for mat leave purposes and before that people can just wonder.

It sucks that that’s the reality, but it certainly was in my firm, and I think it’s great she’s made you aware of that. Knowledge is power.

I think YABU but it depends how she said it. If she was just trying to give you her advice and protect you, which is what it sounds like, I think it was very good of her. Of course being sidelined shouldn't happen but in the real world, and in a male dominated industry, it happens (IME). If she was saying it because she thinks you being pregnant is a nuisance then obviously she was out of order and YANBU

So are you definitely being promoted or you are one of a few people who might be promoted? I think it will all depend on wording and contracts. It could be the company hold off now promoting anyone to avoid claims of discrimination.
I think your colleague was being kind and warning you what the company is like.

You started by telling us that you're concerned, then seemed to blame your colleague. It sounds as though she understands your concerns.

You don't have to tell anyone until you want to, so use this time to get your planning in place. You need to have answers to questions about when you will be going on mat leave, how long you are likely to be off and how project handovers will work.

Pore over your company's policies so you know exactly what you are entitled to & the support you should be given. Find out if any of your colleagues have taken mat leave recently and ask them about their experience.

Best wishes

I agree. I think she was being really helpful

Whether she was being unreasonable warning you is dependent of whether she is being realistic as to the situation.

When I announced my pregnancy (13 years ago) to my management, I was brought into the CEOs office, told that I had been down to have a big promotion to head of department but that would now be given to someone else as I was pregnant and wouldn’t be there to support the business when they needed it.

Obviously, I went mad at him and challenged this and did get the promotion, but if your workplace is similarly minded to my old one, she is not being unreasonable to warn you!

Are you upset because you want people to be happy and share in your excitement? Or are you scared with the reality that your life is going to change by having a child?

She was a bit silly to give such un-actionable advice though. OP is gonna have to say something. Part of her stress is because colleague has told her there's another option (keep quiet until 7 months pregnant, work at top speed despite the impact of pregnancy and get the promotion then tell them?) And there isn't.
Great advice about Pregnant then Screwed though.

Edit: I'd quoted @PrizedPickledPopcorn but it disappeared- agree about Pregnant then Screwed but disagree OP has a choice.