Page 6 | DH said I’m a loser

Georock · 2025-12-07T06:16:36+00:00

I wasn’t going to post, because anything involving DH usually leaves me feeling worse, but I’m exhausted and upset and need to get this out before the DC wake up. Yesterday I received a law-enforcement letter addressed to another woman but sent to my address. I realised later it’s linked to a small flat I rent out in Wales (it’s not worth much tbh). I have no idea who this woman is, and the council aren’t answering my calls or emails, so I’ve been really stressed trying to sort it. I opened the letter in the morning and DH immediately started shouting at me to “sort it out”. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone to the enforcement company—got from position 11 to 2—and then the line cut out. DH then disappeared for a few hours, apparently to get DD’s laptop fixed (the one he broke last week). While he was gone, DS (5), who’s been poorly all week, suddenly started screaming that his ear was hurting. I gave him Calpol and tried to comfort him. Our local chemist can prescribe for minor issues, but DH had taken the car and I had no way to get there. I called him 15–20 times and left messages. No answer. In the end I had to get an Uber. The chemist helped, but when I got back home DH didn’t even ask how DS was. He was clearly drunk and started calling me a loser, saying my family are committing fraud and I’m “too thick” to notice. He claimed he “never impacts my life” and threw in other insults. Then he said my whole family are losers and I’m the biggest one. For context, I’m a secondary school teacher, but he seems to think he’s superior because he works in finance. I ended up sleeping in the kids’ room. I feel really upset today. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I just needed to talk to someone. I’ve put on 4.5 stones since I married him as he makes me feel really ugly. He has taken “cialis” since his 20’s when we met. We never have sex anymore. He doesn’t even look at me. Even when I was young, skinny and pretty he wasn’t that affectionate either so nothing to do with my weight.

Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 07:26

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 07:12

Oh, and of course he pays the mortgage and bills - I bet he had to have the huge fancy house befitting a man of his higher earnings?
If you think to when you moved was it you that really loved the house or was it him?

I actually hated the house still do! His words were - “my money, my decision”

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Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 07:25

CharlotteSometimes1 · 07/12/2025 07:21

I’d start by changing your mindset to one where you accept the marriage is over and you work on regaining confidence in yourself. Then book an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your financial position is, it sounds to me like you may well be better off financially divorced, but in a smaller house than you are right now. You may need to do some snooping if he doesn’t tell you what his income is, it would be good to know plus pensions and investments. It’s going to be tough in the short term, but better for you and better for your dc in the long term.

That’s the other thing he knows ways around this and has hinted he will sell off or give his assets to charity if I leave as he’s not giving me a penny. Can solicitors find ways around this? I’ve heard of his uncle doing something similar when he got divorced and didn’t give his wife any settlement as there was nothing left. I don’t know the details.

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Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 07:22

Skodacool · 07/12/2025 07:16

I’m astonished that you can pay even one child’s school fees on a teacher’s salary. That aside OP you should see a solicitor who will advise you on your rights as a wife. There’s such a thing as matrimonial assets, it doesn’t necessarily matter that the house is in his name. If you split he would have to pay to support his children.

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That’s why I have nothing left really. He has had to top up the balance quite a few times if I’m being honest. It’s going to get worse once she’s in senior school. That’s why leaving him would mean I could never give the kids the life they currently have.

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CharlotteSometimes1 · 07/12/2025 07:21

I’d start by changing your mindset to one where you accept the marriage is over and you work on regaining confidence in yourself. Then book an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your financial position is, it sounds to me like you may well be better off financially divorced, but in a smaller house than you are right now. You may need to do some snooping if he doesn’t tell you what his income is, it would be good to know plus pensions and investments. It’s going to be tough in the short term, but better for you and better for your dc in the long term.

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2025 07:19

He drove home drunk and yet he called you a loser?!
Honestly, he sounds vile. I know it’s easy to say LTB but he’s going to influence your children’s behaviour and views on life. I think you should ring women’s aid for advice.

Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 07:19

There are two kids in my DD class whose parents have separated. One girl is DD’s friend and DD says herself how much the girl cries as she lives 3 days with dad then 4 days with mum. She’s very unhappy. So divorce is not easy on kids.

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Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 07:17

pilates · 07/12/2025 07:09

Can you have a conversation with your parents about what is really going on? You need some legal advice and get your ‘ducks in a row’. You are in an abusive relationship and don’t kid yourself that your children are not aware.

I have tried in the past but mums reaction is I will regret it as she’s seen what divorce does. She said I have a perfect life and like for example the letter yesterday she thinks I didn’t have to show him. She thinks I could have the most amazing life if I just understand what he’s like and adapt. In regards to the kids I think people credit kids too much - they are at this age inherently selfish. They don’t care how happy divorce will make me they will only care how different their lives will become. Right now he provides everything they need but I cannot give them the same life.

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Kit71 · 07/12/2025 07:17

Im really sorry you’re having a tough time.
could your DH comments re not being involved with children if you weren’t together be a veiled threat not to leave ? Is Him going out getting drunk a common behaviour ? Sounds unpredictable and frightening .
this aside focusing on building up your own confidence spending time doing something you enjoy ; lots of free stuff such as park run which people do get involved with their DC’s

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 07/12/2025 07:16

You’d be better off on your own if you’re able to relocate, really.

It’s not easy, but when it happened to me (only one child though) after trying to power through in a city, I relocated to a small town where everything is within easy access. It wasn’t easy to adapt as I prefer cities and found it quite lonely, but I do think it made our lives a lot easier.

Skodacool · 07/12/2025 07:16

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:44

my salary goes on DD’s school and activities the kids do- only swimming and piano at the moment. I cut out other activities when I went down to 4 days. we have always had separate back accounts so when I was on maternity both times I used up my savings and had to use credit cards to buy food and nappies. He has always paid the mortgage and bills and I pay household things and one child’s school fee. He’s paid for DS nursery and now school.

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I’m astonished that you can pay even one child’s school fees on a teacher’s salary. That aside OP you should see a solicitor who will advise you on your rights as a wife. There’s such a thing as matrimonial assets, it doesn’t necessarily matter that the house is in his name. If you split he would have to pay to support his children.

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 07:15

If you are married (not just calling him DH on here) you'll get half of everything in a divorce anyway.....a decent lawyer will look at his accounts, pensions, equity in the property etc. It will be tricky for a while but you would probably be better off divorced!

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 07:12

Oh, and of course he pays the mortgage and bills - I bet he had to have the huge fancy house befitting a man of his higher earnings?
If you think to when you moved was it you that really loved the house or was it him?

Contycont · 07/12/2025 07:10

Can you sell or move into the flat in Wales?

Would you qualify for universal credit?

Your mum understands a bit because your dad is probably like this. That's why your dad thinks he's great... Do you want to continue the family tradition with your son and potentially a future daughter in law??

pilates · 07/12/2025 07:09

Can you have a conversation with your parents about what is really going on? You need some legal advice and get your ‘ducks in a row’. You are in an abusive relationship and don’t kid yourself that your children are not aware.

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 07:07

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:44

my salary goes on DD’s school and activities the kids do- only swimming and piano at the moment. I cut out other activities when I went down to 4 days. we have always had separate back accounts so when I was on maternity both times I used up my savings and had to use credit cards to buy food and nappies. He has always paid the mortgage and bills and I pay household things and one child’s school fee. He’s paid for DS nursery and now school.

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Please read and reread that back to yourself.

You had to use a credit card for food and nappies? Dear god, the man is a complete fuckwit.

Leaving him will be hard but staying with this man for the rest of your life will be far harder.

DarkEyedSailor · 07/12/2025 07:07

Call Women's Aid, they're amazing. I was in one of their refuges a few years ago.
Don't let your children think this is normal. My mother did and it's honestly fucked us all up for life.

TryMee · 07/12/2025 07:01

your kids are not happy with him as their father. Do you want your daughter to think that this is ok and find a man like him? Or for your little boy to think that this is how he should treat his future partner? Please leave. You can recover money by asking for cash back at the till and save it. Add on extra things you and the kids might need for when you leave and squirrel them away.

Meadowfinch · 07/12/2025 06:54

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:28

How exactly do people leave? I don’t have any money. Every penny goes as soon as I get paid. I have no savings and my family don’t live nearby

How exactly do people leave?
I quietly saved up an escape fund. It took me a year to save a deposit, to find a job in my home area, to find a child minder I trusted and ds was happy with near the office, and to rent a one bed flat.

Then I walked away. It was the right thing to do, but the next few years were hard. I had zero support.

You have inflexible teacher-hours, and with two dcs, you will need help. If you moved job to be near your parents would they help? Or can you get a job in the same primary school that your dcs attend?

Raising your dcs in a house with an abuse drunk will damage them long term. He's damaging you long term. Take your time but make a plan. Can you sell the flat and use that money for a deposit and to hire a nanny for a couple of years?

And I'd deal with the law enforcement letter by sending a recorded delivery letter stating that the person named is not known at that address, and that you as the landlord have no knowledge of her.

Good luck OP

Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:51

@mellongoose i can’t really confide in anyone. My 2 sisters have kind of burnt their bridges and I can’t have them back in my life. There’s a whole thread a could write on that. We still talk but very superficial and I don’t confide anymore. Reasons: They tried to get him to finance their lifestyles as they know he has money and every conversation used to be “well he can afford it”. They’ve called us selfish for not helping their kids and when one BIL lost his job they asked me to ask DH to invest in his new business venture! They are not aware we have separate accounts so they just think I live a life of luxury and they are upset I don’t share this imaginary life with them. The times I have tried to talk to them they make fun of me and say “let me get my violin”.

my mum understand a little more but he’s got my dad wrapped around his finger. My dad thinks he’s amazing.

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sittingonabeach · 07/12/2025 06:48

As a teacher if one of your students told you their dad had driven home drunk, had broken their laptop and was verbally abusive to their mum, what would you do?

EasilyRemedied · 07/12/2025 06:47

You need to get away from this abusive man. You aren’t responsible for the mortgage as it’s in his name. You can find somewhere more affordable for you and the kids. Good riddance to him. He doesn’t deserve you and he certainly doesn’t deserve his beautiful children whom he ‘doesn’t have time’ for. Prick.

He could’ve killed somebody driving drunk.

Call the national domestic abuse helpline for advice. There will be a way out for you.

mellongoose · 07/12/2025 06:44

It feels bad because it is bad. He should never say those things to you. At the very least, he is an unkind person.

Temporarily putting aside the insults and direct abuse to you for just one moment, he refused to answer your calls about your ill son. His ill son. He is selfish. And irresponsible.

You say you have family, but not local. Can you confide in anyone wholly either on the phone or a friend locally?

PP is correct. Start making an exit plan. Let his insults wash over you now that you know this isn’t forever and a better future awaits you x

Original poster

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:44

Fedupofwimps · 07/12/2025 06:33

Goes on what as soon as you get paid?
Please don't say he is in charge of the financial side of things as well.
if he works in finance and you are a teacher you should be okay financially......so where is it going?

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my salary goes on DD’s school and activities the kids do- only swimming and piano at the moment. I cut out other activities when I went down to 4 days. we have always had separate back accounts so when I was on maternity both times I used up my savings and had to use credit cards to buy food and nappies. He has always paid the mortgage and bills and I pay household things and one child’s school fee. He’s paid for DS nursery and now school.

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MrsPrendergast · 07/12/2025 06:42

Georock · 07/12/2025 06:28

How exactly do people leave? I don’t have any money. Every penny goes as soon as I get paid. I have no savings and my family don’t live nearby

Firstly, you have 60% or 70% of the money / property / investments / savings / pension which are related to your family

I appreciate that this isn't necessarily cash, right now, though

You've got to leave this awful man.

Don't say anything to him as yet

If I were you I'd contact a solicitor, or maybe see 2 or 3 for a free 30 minute chat, and work out what you're entitled to. You'll need to take some details of his income and pension / investments

I'd then ring women's aid and ask them what to do.

I'd also ring or visit citizens advice and get their take

Your salary needs to be paid into an account in just your name. Make sure all passports are safely locked away

If he drinks and drives again and / or is violent or aggressive towards you , call the police

BadLad · 07/12/2025 06:41

the house is only in his name and he pays the mortgage.

You are married, right? Not just using the initials DH as shorthand for partner?