To ask daughter to move wardrobe out of son's room when he's only there one day a week

Obviously the son is being unreasonable in his aggressiveness. However, I can see his point. When I visit my Mum's house there's no room in the wardrobe or chest of drawers in the guest room because it's full of her clothes even though she has a walk in wardrobe in her own room. I don't complain to her about it but I do think she should have a clearout so that her visitors have somewhere to store their clothes.

Anyway, why doesn't the daughter have enough space, does she have too many clothes or does she have too small a room and the rooms should be rejigged so she gets more space? Maybe the son's room needs redecorating so that it's clearly a guest room and when that is done there should be better storage for the daughter's clothing.

I know it's not the same, as these are (young) adults and not children anymore; but this situation does make me think a lot about all of the blended families threads, where people are often keen to dismiss the needs of kids who are only there for one or two days a week, and so it's considered to be 'a waste' of a room to reserve it as exclusively theirs.

The result often turns out to be that they stop coming at all as soon as they're old enough.

I think that, if you have a room still designated as belonging to one of your children and their own familiar refuge - even if they have ticked over into adulthood and aren't there for a lot of the time - it should be definitely theirs. Fair enough if you 'borrow' it when you know they definitely aren't around - to do some ironing, sort out bags for the charity shop, build flat-pack furniture or whatever - but you need to make sure that you've properly vacated it before they turn up.

If the mum is honest about it and tells her DS that he can no longer have a room there because his sister wants two rooms - albeit he can go and hang out/sleep over occasionally in amongst her stuff in one of them, how does that come across to anybody listening honestly?

If you say that he doesn't need A room because he's largely moved out, how does it follow that she needs TWO rooms, just because she does still live there in her mum's home (and not paying rent)? It's their mum's house - she pays for it - and she doesn't even have two exclusive bedrooms for all of her own clothes and personal stuff!

There are two issues:

1. The son doesn't get to call it "his room". He has moved out, it is a guest room.

1. The daughter shouldn't be turning the mum's guest room into an uncomfortable space for guests. That doesn't mean she can't store her clothes there, but they should be stored in such a way that guests don't notice them/ the room is still peaceful. Maybe a chest of drawers or an enclosed wardrobe.

ETA even though i keep typing "2" as soon as I post it defaults the numbering to "1"!

He's either moved out or he hasn't. Engaged with his own flat and coming back to mums every week to moan about a clothes rail is very immature.
Homes need to work for those who actually live in them.

The vast majority of threads and posts on MN aren't really of groundbreaking importance.

You could dismiss every single thread on the Style & Beauty board by saying "As long as it's warm enough and covers what it needs to, it really doesn't matter what you wear"; or the TV board with "It's just ephemeral entertainment - you don't need to analyse it".

People like to discuss the more pedestrian aspects of life - including those affecting other people and thinking about what they would do in thar situation - as well as the big life-changing aspects that directly affect them in a big way.

If there's no point in caring about somebody else's issues when you aren't involved, why even have any threads on here in the first place where the OP is asking strangers to respond and get involved?!

He sounds like a rude, bullying arsehole tbh. Of course the wardrobe can just stay.

And the girl can stay out of the room when her brother visits. It's really not a problem of any kind unless your friend chooses to be a doormat.

I've stayed there a lot and she's moaned about him turning up on random nights sometimes and going to his room at 8pm so she can't access her rail haha
this is shit, and decides it for me- basically she’s having a moan because her brother stays. I’d tell her sharply I support her to live here and if her brother stays here once a week or month then she can deal with it graciously because it’s my house, and the next round of moaning ill be putting her clothes in a bin bag. It’s not his fault she can’t fit her things in her own room and she does not get to object to him being a guest in the home and needs to have some respect that it’s her mums house.

The son has moved out, coming back to stay one night a week does not mean he still lives there and gets to dictate what is in "his room". It's now a guest room, he is welcome to stay in the guest room when he would like but he can't tell the owner of the house what furniture can be in there.

If I were his mum I'd tell him to stop being such a disrespectful little brat having tantrums worthy of a toddler.

When my DS moved out I totally gutted the room to rebrand it a spare room. No more masculine colours, painted and furnished with nice warm neutrals and a dash of pink!

DS is always welcome to stay but it's no longer his room.

I wouldn't be letting DD take it over with clutter either though. If she needs that much space, she needs her own house.

Exactly this. Your friend needs to get a grip on both of them, her DS for his manner of communicating, and her DD for moving her additional clothes into another room without permission.

I’d demand DS apologises, make it clear that it’s a guest room, but insist DD manages with the space she has. Or moves out. I wouldn’t have a guest blocked by a clothes rail.

I agree with this.

Why can’t DD’s rail go in the guest room? Or the camping stuff go in the guest room and her clothes in the wardrobe in DS’s old room? Or if her room same size as DS’s, why isn’t rail in there (or she buys bigger wardrobe for her room?). If DS was only occasional visitor, or if there wasn’t an alternative location for clothes then current arrangement ok but in circumstances I think reasonable to find alternative solution. But DS doesn’t have a right to dictate what happens and a bit of me would want to leave it there given his attitude whereas if he’d politely mentioned it wasn’t ideal I’d be a bit more accommodating.

Why can’t the son stay in the guest room if you say there’s another one that’s more pleasant? Then he wouldn’t have to put up with the rail and the clothes. It sounds as though his room has become a general storage area if the wardrobe is full of all sorts of family stuff. I can understand why he wouldn’t enjoy staying there. I’m sure his mother enjoys seeing him each week and wouldn’t want to stop him from visiting. But if the daughter genuinely has to have all those clothes then why oh why isn’t he using the other room when he visits?

But if this really is a friend you're talking about, why are you involving yourself over this very dull 'problem' in such amazing detail?

She's a grown woman, she can work it out 🤷‍♀️

You must have plenty of your own problems to spend all this energy on.

This story is crazy.

The brother doesn’t live there and doesn’t pay rent, therefore he doesn’t have any say on the rail.

Whether or not the daughter puts her clothes in there is up to the mother. Whether or not she pays extra for the use of the spare room is up to the mother (though this seems bananas, as if her daughter has become a lodger instead of a member of her family.)

I see a lot of threads with “just get a job”, “needs to move out” - both incredibly difficult in this day and age, no “just” about it anymore. If the daughter is single, she may be in that house for several more years until she’s in a position to buy. It’s much better to avoid renting if she can.

If the son has moved out then it’s the guest room. That doesn’t make it the daughter’s second room- it’s up to your friend what happens in her own house. Which room is bigger?

He can sit and read in his room on the bed,

What's the point of him visiting if he's just spending time in his room?

Can't the 'family stuff' be cleared out of the wardrobe and stored in the loft or somewhere so DD can use the wardrobe? How often is it used, now the children are grown up?

where was it stored when ds lived there?

Who needs two rooms to store their clothes? It’s ridiculous, regardless of the brother needing the room or not. She needs to declutter a f keep her clothes in her room.

The brother should have the room one day a week. It’s his room. Will your friend be happy with her DS not coming to visit anymore?

I'd suggest that your 'friend' downsizes and moves to somewhere where the spare room is just that and not an additional storage space for those who don't actually live there.

It's no longer his main residence so I'd say he's being unreasonable. Whether the daughter pays rent or not is irrelevant - it's still where she lives full time and she needs hanging space ( though she could have a clear out?).

However the son is rather young (by today's standards) to have moved out permanently, so it seems odd that a 21 year old doesn't have a room at "home" where he can keep stuff and use when he likes. If he's seriously going to get married, that would be different, but if they're likely to call it off (being so young), I can see why he'd still feel the need to call it his own room.

Friend needs to make their mind up - it's their home and family!

After reading that - it doesn't matter in the scheme of things of course - but there's no way that this is "your friend". I never believe the "asking for a friend" posts.

Is there a wardrobe in the sons old room that the clothes can go into rather than having a clothes rail
in the bedroom. He has moved out, I don’t think he really gets to say what can and cannot go in the bedroom.