Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend how hurt I am...

137 replies

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:19

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:45

Sprookjesbos · 06/12/2025 15:41

I'm really sorry OP but this sounds really intense. I've arranged to meet a friend this evening. I know it will happen but we haven't finalised any plans. I've done back to back kids birthday parties today and haven't even given it a thought yet. If you said you'd go out at 6, she could have confirmed travel plans with a call at 5! You've been too hasty. Also what do you mean she's booked on a group holiday for your birthday - had you arranged another birthday celebration with her?

I need more than an hour notice to get ready and into town (never mind that I had offered to pick her up as well and wouldn't be able to). Presumably your friend doesn't have form for letting you down though? So many times we have agreed to do something but not nailed down plans - the day comes and I ask 'are we still ok for x?' with no response.

There's a group of us going away next year as a birthday celebration - family and close friends.

OP posts:
Siarli · 06/12/2025 15:44

You've got angry on this and pulled the plug in the meal a bit prematurely because you need control and you've obsessed on this . She offered you this alternative arrangement because she couldn't make your night out due to not having a baby sitter who'd let her down. Clearly asking the ex to fill in at short notice was not the best idea. She apologised and said she'd come out for a meal tonight with you and you agreed a time. It's a busy time of year, she has a business and she has children. Her life does not revolve entirely around you, you are being too needy. There is no reason to give this lady a piece of your mind unless she is generally unreliable and has a history of messing up. Well, when she does make contact..(unless you've got in there and told her by txt not to bother meals cancelled) and discovers you've killed off the meal she might be giving you a piece of her mind! You'll have to own what you've done , you should have waited and been patient.

Sprookjesbos · 06/12/2025 15:41

I'm really sorry OP but this sounds really intense. I've arranged to meet a friend this evening. I know it will happen but we haven't finalised any plans. I've done back to back kids birthday parties today and haven't even given it a thought yet. If you said you'd go out at 6, she could have confirmed travel plans with a call at 5! You've been too hasty. Also what do you mean she's booked on a group holiday for your birthday - had you arranged another birthday celebration with her?

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:41

Oh and to add as well if by some miracle she does get in touch and still wants to go out that's fine - it won't take me long to get ready and there were still plenty of tables left when I booked (or plenty of other alternatives). I just think it's shit behaviour to ignore someone all day when you've promised to make up for already letting them down

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/12/2025 15:38

I think you’ve jumped the gun. There could be any number of reasons why she hasn’t been able to respond to you yet today. She might be flaky and let you down but I think you’ve made an assumption too early.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:37

Also it's not about the fact she didn't make it last weekend - shit happens I know that and it was a reasonable excuse - it's the fact that she didn't make sure to let me know. Ok saying she didn't press send on the text but then surely she'd have expected a response. Same goes for today - I'm not that bothered about going out but just not getting in touch/ignoring my text and call is the issue for me!

OP posts:
silkysoft · 06/12/2025 15:36

It’s still 3 hours until dinner and she might be in the shower or out!
You have really overreacted here by cancelling before you even know she isn’t coming.

Why on earth didn’t you wait until later?

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:35

Arlanymor · 06/12/2025 15:31

It’s still three hours before dinner - she could be doing anything and not available to call or text back. If she knows where to meet you and when then why would you cancel? Were you planning on travelling together? I think you’ve jumped the gun on this one.

We didn't make arrangements to meet at the restaurant (and neither of us are the type of person who'd just turn up and not make contact first). I offered her a lift at 10:30 this morning - no response. I then called her at 3pm - no answer. I think a call and a text with no answer is a reasonable reason to presume we are cancelling when she was out last night and by her own admission had 'no plans' for today.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 06/12/2025 15:31

It’s still three hours before dinner - she could be doing anything and not available to call or text back. If she knows where to meet you and when then why would you cancel? Were you planning on travelling together? I think you’ve jumped the gun on this one.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:29

Lavender14 · 06/12/2025 15:28

I understand you're upset and you've maybe felt the need to take control of the situation by cancelling so you know the plan but I think it's unfair to have cancelled 3 hours before. There are times I'll meet up with friends without having confirmed anything on the day so there's nothing to say she wouldn't have been there. She may just have been busy today as most people are at this time of year. The problem now is that you can't give her a piece of your mind because you have no idea if she'd have been there or not. She's not obligated to text or call you back if she's busy. Plus she's already apologised and explained what happened on your birthday and tried to make amends. You've acted too hasty here because you were so worried about being let down again you've sabotaged it in order to let yourself feel in control.

The last message I sent asked her if she wanted me to pick her up so that we could both get a lift from my house - there were never any plans for us just to meet at the restaurant.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 06/12/2025 15:28

I understand you're upset and you've maybe felt the need to take control of the situation by cancelling so you know the plan but I think it's unfair to have cancelled 3 hours before. There are times I'll meet up with friends without having confirmed anything on the day so there's nothing to say she wouldn't have been there. She may just have been busy today as most people are at this time of year. The problem now is that you can't give her a piece of your mind because you have no idea if she'd have been there or not. She's not obligated to text or call you back if she's busy. Plus she's already apologised and explained what happened on your birthday and tried to make amends. You've acted too hasty here because you were so worried about being let down again you've sabotaged it in order to let yourself feel in control.

KatyaKat · 06/12/2025 15:22

Why have you cancelled the table already?

Swipe left for the next trending thread