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Original poster

To tell friend how hurt I am...

137 replies

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:19

Let me preface by saying I've got ASD and rejection sensitivity is a huge thing for me, as well as needing plans to be as concrete as possible and not changed.

So for context I've known my friend about 3-4 years, she has a beauty business and I started off just as a client. We tend to just catch up before/after appointments with a coffee or occasionally over the phone, but rarely go out together. However I was also the only friend who didn't flake on her 30th birthday night out (this is important). She's often really flaky with plans full stop (not just with me).

It was my 40th celebration last week and her babysitter let her down on the day. She managed to arrange another sitter who could only come later and said she would meet us at the venue (luckily it was a big group). Not only did she not turn up but she didn't message to let me know. I got a message on the night so say her and her ex (replacement babysitter) had had a huge row and he left - she claimed to have written a text but forgotten to press send - I can only give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

So I saw her yesterday and to make up for last week she offered to take me for a meal at 6pm today - I booked a table. She was on a Christmas do last night but promised she wouldn't be out late, and we discussed outfits for tonight, etc.

I've text her and now tried to call and no response, so have cancelled the table. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind but I don't want to lose one of the few friendships I have. She's also booked on a group holiday for my birthday too so not sure how that will pan out...

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:27

Siarli · 06/12/2025 16:26

Yes I agree. Also I note this lady the OP is 40 the celebration that the friend didn't get to was for the 40th birthday presumably..it does seem that it wentt ahead with other people. The OP knows the friend mentioned , through her appointments as a client of her beauty business but arrangements had been just coffee meets rather than socialising. The friend/ business owner is a 30yr old with a child. Im not sure how much common ground there would be with a person 10years your junior with a different lifestyle and friends her own age. If I was this young person Id find this lady rather scary, a bit needy and controlling .

She's 34. And yes it was for my 40th - you do realise that 'this lady' can read?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:27

Swash89 · 06/12/2025 16:25

What time are you supposed to be at the restaurant for?

The table is booked for 550 - we've never made arrangements just to meet there though, our last interaction in person was me saying 'I'll message you tomorrow about getting there...'

OP posts:
Siarli · 06/12/2025 16:26

Yes I agree. Also I note this lady the OP is 40 the celebration that the friend didn't get to was for the 40th birthday presumably..it does seem that it wentt ahead with other people. The OP knows the friend mentioned , through her appointments as a client of her beauty business but arrangements had been just coffee meets rather than socialising. The friend/ business owner is a 30yr old with a child. Im not sure how much common ground there would be with a person 10years your junior with a different lifestyle and friends her own age. If I was this young person Id find this lady rather scary, a bit needy and controlling .

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:26

Terrribletwos · 06/12/2025 16:23

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends
Yes, your friend does seem rather flaky from what you've described but I would move on and not give her too much thought. It seems like you have loads of other friends anyway?

@Terrribletwos I wouldn't say I have loads but I have some and they don't do this around plans... I just wish she wouldn't commit to things if she's not 100% sure

@AhBiscuits thanks - it honestly wouldn't bother me if she needed to cancel, it's just courteous to let me know! I'm not going to get ready and hope she shows up (as others have suggested) but it's starting to get too late now for me to get ready and there on time anyway...

OP posts:
Swash89 · 06/12/2025 16:25

What time are you supposed to be at the restaurant for?

AhBiscuits · 06/12/2025 16:23

Yanbu. It's really not hard to reply to your message and it definitely seems like she's flaking out on you again. I'd stop making any plans with her.

Terrribletwos · 06/12/2025 16:23

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends
Yes, your friend does seem rather flaky from what you've described but I would move on and not give her too much thought. It seems like you have loads of other friends anyway?

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:17

Whentosayitsover · 06/12/2025 16:11

OP, I think your ASD is preventing you from seeing you have been unreasonable to cancel the table. You sound like you expect everyone else to fall in line with how you need things to be done.

Can you not see that her not sending the text to let you know she wasn’t coming to your birthday could have been because a big argument with her ex would be upsetting? Did you check if she was ok? Her head may not have been in the right place to send a text.

She’s had a night out and has a day to herself today, As a busy mum, she has probably either caught up on stuff she needs to or is actually having some time to herself.

Other people act independently of the way you need them to to make you feel comfortable and that’s okay. They aren’t wrong.

I wouldn’t expect a friend to communicate with me the way you do. It’s really intense and invasive. Try to see that.

How would I be able to check she was ok after the argument if she didn't let me know she wasn't coming because of the argument?

@Sprookjesbos I'm not going to sit in a restaurant alone without confirmation she is coming. We didn't make any plans other than what time the table was - my text offered to pick her up and bring her to mine so we could both get a lift from here - that hasn't been confirmed or not

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:15

ThisLittlePony · 06/12/2025 16:06

To use a mn classic “you don’t seem to like her very much” with that last post!
you sound intense and controlling and rather demanding.

Show quote history

That was me quoting back the PP - I described her as flaky

OP posts:
Sprookjesbos · 06/12/2025 16:11

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:45

I need more than an hour notice to get ready and into town (never mind that I had offered to pick her up as well and wouldn't be able to). Presumably your friend doesn't have form for letting you down though? So many times we have agreed to do something but not nailed down plans - the day comes and I ask 'are we still ok for x?' with no response.

There's a group of us going away next year as a birthday celebration - family and close friends.

Show quote history

Yeah but you still get ready - she's said she'll be there! What did you arrange when you made the arrangement? You've offered to pick her up already, so it sounds like in her minds the plans are firm?

Whentosayitsover · 06/12/2025 16:11

OP, I think your ASD is preventing you from seeing you have been unreasonable to cancel the table. You sound like you expect everyone else to fall in line with how you need things to be done.

Can you not see that her not sending the text to let you know she wasn’t coming to your birthday could have been because a big argument with her ex would be upsetting? Did you check if she was ok? Her head may not have been in the right place to send a text.

She’s had a night out and has a day to herself today, As a busy mum, she has probably either caught up on stuff she needs to or is actually having some time to herself.

Other people act independently of the way you need them to to make you feel comfortable and that’s okay. They aren’t wrong.

I wouldn’t expect a friend to communicate with me the way you do. It’s really intense and invasive. Try to see that.

Siarli · 06/12/2025 16:10

Yes youre quite right. We have various circles of friends. I would say this person is not an intimate friend . I have friends and I have friends. Some are like sisters youd trust them with uour life , others are little more than acquaintances ..they may have been in your life for years but you just occasionally meet up for a coffee and no more. I think the OP is not feeling she's on a level footing with this Mum and since she says she quite happy to stay at home...was ready to give the person a piece of her mind...quite upset that the person hasn't confirmed , we'll she's one angry person and probably should own what she's done shes cancelled the restaurant, could cancel herfriend and stay at home!

ThisLittlePony · 06/12/2025 16:06

OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:01

She is generally unreliable and has a history of messing up. I said that in my previous posts

Show quote history

To use a mn classic “you don’t seem to like her very much” with that last post!
you sound intense and controlling and rather demanding.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:01

Bigearringsbigsmile · 06/12/2025 15:58

This!

Show quote history

She is generally unreliable and has a history of messing up. I said that in my previous posts

OP posts:
Siarli · 06/12/2025 16:00

Absolutely stand by what I've said. You need to calm down and give the benefit of the doubt!

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 16:00

Siarli · 06/12/2025 15:57

Wow, I'll tell you something if I was this friend I wouldn't bother with you!! How nasty can you get?? This lady missed your birthday not her fault no babysitter and an uncompromising ex. She offered to go out with you tonight and you agreed on a time! She's a parent, she has a business to run and she is busy, its a busy time of year. You have brooded all day, by your own admission you say youre obsessive due to your ASD and need firm pathways, you are probably rather lonely, but if you treat people like this make unpleasant comments and expect everyone to jump when you say jump you'll end upon your own. She gave you a time, because you haven't heard from her today yet ..3 hours before youre due to meet doesnt mean she's forgotten..but I tell you what, you will lose those friend if you dont back down on this compulsiveness and needy behaviour . If this friend had read what you've written ..if I were her I wouldn't come out with you!!

Nasty? Seriously? It's not that she missed my birthday it's that she didn't let me know she would be missing it. We agreed on a time but we would never just assume the other would turn up. Also, she isn't working today and her ex has her child - by her own admission she has no plans as she was out last night. Where have I made any unpleasant comments or said that I was obsessive? Also, I'm absolutely not lonely - as I have said repeatedly I would be happy to stay home tonight as long as she let me know!!!!!

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 06/12/2025 16:00

I think you need to decide if you want this person as a friend. If so, you need to adjust your expectations. She isn't someone you can rely on for one-on-one socialising. Invite her to things where it doesn't matter if she doesn't show up. Arrange to have a coffee after an appointment. Whatever makes it easy and doesn't end up with you out of pocket or having to change your plans. Some friends are good for a chat and a laugh when you see them, but you shouldn't depend on them for anything. Sounds like this is her.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 06/12/2025 15:58

Siarli · 06/12/2025 15:44

You've got angry on this and pulled the plug in the meal a bit prematurely because you need control and you've obsessed on this . She offered you this alternative arrangement because she couldn't make your night out due to not having a baby sitter who'd let her down. Clearly asking the ex to fill in at short notice was not the best idea. She apologised and said she'd come out for a meal tonight with you and you agreed a time. It's a busy time of year, she has a business and she has children. Her life does not revolve entirely around you, you are being too needy. There is no reason to give this lady a piece of your mind unless she is generally unreliable and has a history of messing up. Well, when she does make contact..(unless you've got in there and told her by txt not to bother meals cancelled) and discovers you've killed off the meal she might be giving you a piece of her mind! You'll have to own what you've done , you should have waited and been patient.

This!

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends · 06/12/2025 15:57

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 06/12/2025 15:51

OP i think from your posts she had already confirmed tonight? Therefore, if this were me I’d expect to see her there at 6 UNLESS I heard otherwise.

occasionally if it were something booked a while in advance I might send a text a day before and just check all ok.

I think she may think you’ve been a bit quick to cancel with no reason. She’s probably busy

understand she’s cancelled before so I can see why you might be thinking this way.

Have you told her you’ve cancelled the table?

We've never said we would meet there - we would always check in in terms of how we were getting there (and as per my previous updates I've messaged to offer her a lift)

No I haven't told her. If she does miraculously get in touch then we can still go

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 06/12/2025 15:57

A lot of drama here. 🤷‍♀️

Siarli · 06/12/2025 15:57

Wow, I'll tell you something if I was this friend I wouldn't bother with you!! How nasty can you get?? This lady missed your birthday not her fault no babysitter and an uncompromising ex. She offered to go out with you tonight and you agreed on a time! She's a parent, she has a business to run and she is busy, its a busy time of year. You have brooded all day, by your own admission you say youre obsessive due to your ASD and need firm pathways, you are probably rather lonely, but if you treat people like this make unpleasant comments and expect everyone to jump when you say jump you'll end upon your own. She gave you a time, because you haven't heard from her today yet ..3 hours before youre due to meet doesnt mean she's forgotten..but I tell you what, you will lose those friend if you dont back down on this compulsiveness and needy behaviour . If this friend had read what you've written ..if I were her I wouldn't come out with you!!

itsgettingweird · 06/12/2025 15:56

We have dinner plans for 6pm this evening.

My ds (who has ASD) is currently asleep.

He would find it odd you cancelled the table because of no response to a message because he’s said he’ll be there.

Just so you can see it from the other side.

Lavender14 · 06/12/2025 15:55

How far in advance of 6 would you need to leave in order to pick her up?

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 06/12/2025 15:51

OP i think from your posts she had already confirmed tonight? Therefore, if this were me I’d expect to see her there at 6 UNLESS I heard otherwise.

occasionally if it were something booked a while in advance I might send a text a day before and just check all ok.

I think she may think you’ve been a bit quick to cancel with no reason. She’s probably busy

understand she’s cancelled before so I can see why you might be thinking this way.

Have you told her you’ve cancelled the table?

HollyhockDays · 06/12/2025 15:46

She’s allowed to be busy doing other stuff and no replying. It seems a bit premature to cancel the night out.