To tell friend how hurt I am...

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very committed friendship on her part, as you say you tend to “meet up for a coffee” when you have an appointment at her business. You seem to think not letting her down on her birthday gives you some sort of superior friendship badge. She didn’t come to your birthday ( with good reason) but other people did, she did try to contact you, though you seem to think she is lying. Now you are stamping your foot, cancelling the restaurant and behaving like a little Princess because on a busy day of the week for someone in her business , she hasn’t had time to respond to your messages. I think either you accept that you are not in her closest circle, or you make more effort to meet up and become more of a friend.

You don’t sound like friends to me - she has a beauty business and you usually have a coffee or a chat before or after your appointments with her, that just sounds like she’s being nice to a client to make sure they return. It doesn’t sound like she really wants to go out with you and she’s just stringing you along to keep your custom. You’ve know each other for 3/4 years but rarely go out says it all.

I would find another beauty salon and stop contacting her.

Rejection sensitivity is the biggest load of nonsense

Are you the online meet up group lady?

It is a shame she hasn't answered or messaged to let you know what's happening by now, just to confirm. Most businesses are open until 17.30 or 18.00 so maybe she's been hectic until now. I'd leave it another half an hour to an hour for a reply. If not, then you did the right thing cancelling. If you hear then you could still go.

The friend sounds like they have a history of being unreliable. Not being able to respond all day when you're supposed to be meeting up is really unhelpful. I totally understand where you're coming from. I think you should avoid arranging anything where it's just you and her or you'll just be let down.

The person who said you were nasty is completely wrong. But I also think they are the same person who called someone in their 30s a "young person" which is bizarre.

She has not been in touch yet op?

Ach I dunno, maybe you were a bit quick off the mark to cancel the table but actually your instincts are correct and she's a no-show as you assumed.

Yeah I'd be put out by this.

I’ve got a SIL who’s a massive flake and I know what it’s like. I love her, and know it’s about her rather than me, but it’s definitely affected our relationship, I no longer make plans with her unless it’s something we have to pay for in advance.

Flaking on someone a few times a year is normal, shit happens. But when it because more often than not, it becomes a problem and it’s unkind. Especially when she missed your birthday and was supposed to be making it up to you.

I think you cancelled the table because your instinct knows she’s cancelling. YANBU - have you ever asked her why she cancels the plans so often? Perhaps she thinks you don’t care or notice it. She needs to stop making plans when deep down she has no intention of following through.

I feel for you OP. Why do people think it's OK to behave like this, not bothering to get in touch when they said they would, declining to firm up arrangements until , or even after, the last minute? Infuriating.
But this is what your friend is like, and the only way to be happy as her friend is to take any arrangements with a pinch of salt. If she gets in touch or turns up this evening then fine, you can decide what to do, and if necessary she can wait for you to get ready. If not, you have an evening in. She does it to everyone so there's no need to take it personally.
Happy birthday!

You ask her when she tells you about the argument. She told you why she didn’t text you and that was your chance to ask her if everything was okay. Did you do that?

I can’t believe she still hasn’t been in touch! Either she will be just before dinner or she’ll just ignore until tomorrow and apologise. I know someone like this. I’m the one that makes plans which she cancels, I send messages first and she’s never the one to initiate contact. I’ve realised where I stand and have taken a massive step back.

Well hopefully not!!

Wow, if she was THAT hungover (still asleep at 4:45 after being out last night) she might be dead!! 😵

The OP is autistic and I expect she finds this difficult to navigate hence posting on here. I imagine she needs the reassurance that the friend will turn.

Maybe she’s really hungover and sleeping?! I hope she gets back to you OP so you know what’s happening.

You come across as exceptionally rigid in your communication requirements OP and, despite having posted on a forum that is explicitly for asking the opinions of others on whether you’re being unreasonable or not, completely unwilling to hear opinions that suggest you are! What on earth was the point in posting if you’re so convinced you’re in the right?!

Perhaps she had a much later night than planned and hasn't yet felt like looking at her phone / is regretting arranging to go out again tonight?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to tell your friend that you like a degree of certainty and that you find her flakiness disrespectful or unsettling. You won't change her, but you might feel better for getting it off your chest. Perhaps she finds you a bit rigid? You do seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum to each other, either learn to accept your differences and stay friends or decide if it's a deal breaker.

Have you got children OP? I think it’s really impossible to understand (and fairly so) what this time of year is like if you don’t, it’s highly possible the friend literally hasn’t had second to reply to a text yet and was intending to be there.w

However I would say that there has been time like this for me where I’ve messaged a friend to literally “seen your message. Will be there, will text asap” so they know I’m not flaking.

It’s now half 4 - have you told friend you’ve cancelled the table? If not and they’re still not in touch and she knew she was expecting 6pm meet then yes she’s flaking and rude.

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I also don't have a very large social circle of friends (in fact, it's extremely small) And adult friendships are hard!

You've described your friend as being flaky and forgetful, you think that she means well, but she's done this multiple times before. She missed your big birthday, and now you've been trying to get in contact with her about having a meal and she is not answering your messages so, instead of getting ready and going to the restaurant and showing up and waiting for her and possibly either having to wait alone and then finally make that embarrassing decision to leave, or, equally difficult to order and eat alone when you're having a table for two, yeah, I totally hear you. I would hate to be put in that situation.

And yeah, stuff happens. She's her own business owner, this is a busy time of year as a hairdresser because people have parties to go to, and they often need their hair done just immediately before the party, so she might be extremely busy, she has an ex, she has other issues, okay. Adult life is messy and busy and complicated. But, you don't deserve to feel second best or third or fourth. It's not very respectful to your time or your feelings to make plans which then are not followed up on.

I wish I could join you for dinner, I would show up on time. I actually decided to let a friendship of 20+ years go because I felt like I was putting in all the effort, I was making all the plans, I was doing all the kind gestures, I was doing all the favors, I was available when they needed emergency help, I was the shoulder to cry on, and I didn't mind because to me that's all part of being a good friend, but they flaked on me too many times. Where I was left waiting and waiting, or they never got back at all, or plans were changed at the last second, lots of examples, not going to give them here, but I know what you're saying....

Try not communicating with your friend, don't reach out. And see if she reaches out to you. Be mindful that if her message is full of excuses, instead of heartfelt honest regret and apology, if she's being defensive and trying to validate her mistakes instead of immediately acknowledging the hurt she caused you, that's not a good place to start.