Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

Agree with this. Lots of posters here are lambasting the husband but it sounds like he has been completely upfront with her about how things were going to be. He doesn't see himself as her daughter's father but he is kind to her and has bonded with her over football. His family likewise don't see her as a granddaughter but are perfectly pleasant when around her. He has been very clear that he wants his daughter to have her own dedicated personal space in his home and he's paid a lot of money to secure that. There is no suggestion that anyone is being treated cruelly by him or his daughter. In fact she's very keen to bond with her younger half-siblings. It's just that neither she nor her father see any reason for her to "blend" with OP's own extended family. This seems pretty reasonable since SD has two involved parents and two involved sets of grandparents and other relatives. She's not rude to OP's family, she's just not especially interested in them.

I think OP needs to just accept that this is how it is. Before long SD will be a young adult and things may look different. But making this bedroom situation into a point of tension could make things unnecessarily difficult for everyone. OP, just accept that SD's room is not available for use as a guest room, no matter how silly or unreasonable you find it, and make alternative arrangements.

She doesn't have a "main residence" as a such since she is at boarding school for much of the time. The time she spends with her father, during term time at least, is probably roughly equal to the time she spends with her mother.

Yes every Christmas I would have to share db's bedroom when ggm came to stay even when we were teenagers and she had mine. Don't remember ever having a say in it but it was our ggm.

Entirely possible given monies spent on building works that there is more than one en suite.

Your DH and DSD are being selfish. Let Baby come in with you and DH sees to them if they wake at night. Why does SD get the en suite room? Wouldn’t that normally be your room?

This. OP has chosen this. It's not a relationship of equals. He holds the money and she likes the lifestyle. It looks like it gets hard to handle for her around the holidays when that relationship inequality is made evident to her. She vents here about it and then can go on until the next holiday.

But she chose this. She also has an older daughter whose dad has little to do with her, yet she essentially tries to alienate her SD from her dad by moves like taking over the bedroom for her relative. Time for her to take the L.

i think the best suggestion is your mum sleeps with you and husband can find somewhere to sleep. people are so entitled about rooms and space these days. it's just a room. my kid gives up his room and sleeps with us on an airbed and he's a teenager. it's just not even a question. it is ridiculous that the ensuite is taken out of action when you have a growing family and they need to use bathrooms and shower etc.

where do husband's family stay as if his daughter doesn't have to give up her room then your own children should not have to give up their room for his family. you have a husband problem who doesn't treat all his children equally. why doesn't his daughter stay more often? is the distance too far?

She should I think we all told her a few threads back.

And that’s fine. I’m have on opinion on whether OP should or shouldn’t leave - that’s entirely up to her. She’s an adult woman responsible for the choices she has made and will make.

If she chooses to say, she does so with the knowledge that he’s not going to offer her the type of blended family she wants. The same knowledge she had when she decided to embark on a relationship with him and introduce more children into it. It’s utterly pointless for her to continue to pick fights she will invariably lose.

Well, like I said, I wonder, not what you think but what OP and OP’s DD think.

And for an exact parallel, when it is possible that DD13 will be there, given many posters think DSD should give up the room even if she is there, because it is an en suite.

Sure she wouldn’t mind if her DD wasn’t actually there

I do wonder if OP’s eldest DD would be asked to give up her room for DH’s mum… or if OP would feel that wasn’t fair…

Well I just know from life experience of myself and others that such a set up never ends well, yes I’ve known of couples who both have very little, have children then marry and are happily married years later but this sounds different. He’s much wealthier than she is, has made it clear he wants to share her bed but not really their lives together, he doesn’t want to build anything together they will jointly own. Unless he really values her then why would he, he’s got the perfect set up for what he wants. She’ll find herself left high and dry after wasting even more years of her life at a standstill with him. Been there and done that myself until took the plunge to leave, left with absolutely nothing but then met a lovely man who really did want to build a life together and we’ve been happily married with our own house for many years
p.s I was much better off as a single parent, after left my ex, life was comparably far more comfortable, I was able to clear debt, never had to worry about turning the heating on a just generally very happy plus found I suddenly had lots more free time. BTW DH was no wealthier than me when we met

Can’t agree that her own DD should be expected to compromise but not the DSC, surely the room in your main residence is more sacrosanct than one you only stay in for 2-3 nights a month, the DSC sounds like she has an awful lot in comparison to the OPs DD

If she is married then yes I agree, throwing it all away over this would be silly

She's a teenage girl, and this already isn't her home 100 percent of the time. Of course it's important to her to feel she has her own space and that space is sacrosanct. Kudos to your DH for putting his foot down and respecting her emotional needs.

If she was your own child and it was her permanent home, maybe I'd be advocating she learn to shift up and make do. But the family dynamic changes the picture, as does the difficult age she's at. She needs privacy. She needs stability. She needs to feel her wishes are respected even if she's not there. I'd suck it up and leave her room alone, if I was you.

Are they not married, though? She's saying DH? Sure, she can get maintenance if she doesn't want the relationship - but throwing it away over this issue sounds daft to me.

Okay, cool. Literally no one is stopping OP from leaving, the same as no one forced her into this situation in the first place. She chose it, and she can choose to leave if she wants to. She doesn’t actually seem to want to though, which leaves ‘take it’ as the avenue open to her.

The problem is they’re not married, he doesn’t sound like he ever intends to share his life properly with her so it isn’t just a temporary thing. She’s better making a new life for herself, for all she knows he could leave her or die tomorrow and leave absolutely nothing to her , at least if she’s on her own she’ll know where she is, won’t be wasting anymore time on this guy, be entitled to maintenance for the children and be able to start building a secure future not under the control of his whims

Had a friend in similar situation, nice DSC but older divorced man with children already, not willing to marry or share life together properly. They had kids together, best decision she made leaving him and now married to lovely man without children and very happy blended family with their own baby too now. She’ll find she’s been nothing more than a servant and bearer of children to this man

OP says he is kind, good company, good to her eldest DD. He's obviously an involved father to all his children, and he's providing for the household. If OP wants to leave this arrangement because she is unhappy with the provisions he makes for his eldest daughter, she's free to do so - but it's a lot to throw away over perhaps another four - five years of occasional visits from someone whose relationship to the family is awkward, and one room in the house being off-limits.

Have a think about whether you aren't feeling an urge to control things, OP, and think whether it's useful or worthwhile. A 14 year old will be an adult in no time - why get caught up in wanting her to behave like your child instead.

I kind of get this, at 14 I had things that (I believed) were super super private in my room, and I'd be angsty about someone being in the room without me, touching my things. Yes, in an ideal world she'd offer/it wouldn't be a big deal but she will likely have a diary, her underwear, notes she has written to herself, special memories and photos, teenage girls can be very precious over that sort of stuff.

Just move the baby in with you, it's easy for you to do so, and you're actually digging in about this purely because you're annoyed at SD. If you had 1 less bedroom and no SD what would you do? You'd move the baby. Job done. There's a bigger issue here between how you all interact, as you clearly feel dh doesn't have reasonable boundaries with SD, you also seem to take this out/blame SD for it - which is not fair. You have a blended family, she is his daughter, this won't go away and he won't choose you over her (nor should he, ever). So either get on board or don't, but you can't blame the SD for the situation.

So who’s paying for the baby and toddler’s childcare? In most most normal households it’s all family money so it’s not a case of one getting to decide where that money goes, honestly she would be far better off on her own and have the court mandate the support he she provide for their children

What a dysfunctional horrible set up, if he’s not marrying then she should leave him,

Well, they are a baby and a three-year-old, so unlikely to be grounds for comparison for a while yet.