Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

And also - because her parent (who co owns the house) supports her.

Because it’s different when your parents are divorced and you’re stuck travelling about. Now your room is being given away too.

I guess the proof of the pudding will be how the DCs look back on their blended childhood.

Hopefully they’ll view it as positively as you think it is (I mean that genuinely, not sarcastically, but given the experience of friends, DCs don’t always tell parents how negatively affected they were by blended families).

In the case of the Op, it’s hard to see how any of the DCs won’t be significantly negatively impacted by this situation & the dynamics involved.

Well all the more reason for them to separate then

Her previous threads.

I must admit it is hard to judge without knowing all
the ins and outs, after my DC experience of their father’s change in attitude after he met his now wife and the whole family dynamics (he even told me her children were his priority now as they lived together, despite the fact they had a very involved dad themselves) it was very clear that my DC needed to fit into their new family or else. You cannot imagine the trauma this caused my DC being made to feel l2nd class compared to her children. His own family and all our old friends were disgusted by it. So when I met my now DH I was super impressed that it was clear his children were very much his priority, I definitely didn’t want to ever have children with another man who could do that to his own children. I completely agree the OP shouldn’t expect DSC to imply allegiance to the OPs family, it’s enough that she civil. However the MN narrative does tend to swing to the other extreme and imply no parents should ever move on after a family separation, definitely not have any more children etc and that if they do they deserve to live in rags so the 1st family can be kept in the style they’re accustomed too etc which I don’t think is right either

This. The type of blended family OP and some of the posters here think she ‘should’ have is desired by her stepdaughter about as much as a virulent case of Ebola is. That wouldn’t be happy blended families either.

How do you know this?

@Balletbabe

Hiya, I'm wife two of three so have done the stepmum thing and my daughters now have a stepmum.

I used my step daughter's bedroom as an office when she wasn't here (which I regret).

My daughters' new stepmum regularly lets her guests use the girls' rooms and at one point, someone lived in it except for when my daughters were there for two weekends a month. I think this is too far the other way but that's because she basically ignores one of my two daughters and along with my ex husband decided to reduce contact to one weekend a month which created a huge mess and I ended up with social services involved.

I kind of understand both sides. I'm unclear whether your step daughter will be in the house when your mother was staying.

If stepdaughter is going to be there, I think she needs her room available then her and your mum should sleep elsewhere.

However, if your step daughter isn't going to be staying during that time, I think this is a reasonable ask if the step daughter is on board.

My ex's first wife was great, I really like her. If I had been in this position (and my ex had actually cared that much about the first set of children for this to be an issue), I probably would have reached out to her to get her thoughts and possible influence.

Are you in a position to speak to step daughter's mum to see what she thinks? She also may be able to shed light on why it would be a no.

I'd also suggest a different set of bedding, my daughters hate that someone else sleeps in their beds at their Dad's.

Because she may not even be there - so the room would be empty- but she still won’t let anyone sleep in it.

She gets to live in a house she presumably likes living in, and she does benefit from his financial and practical support of the household. If she’s a stay at home mother then that’s something he enables.

She would be worse off by leaving him, at least financially, as even with maintenance (assuming she would even get it) she would not be able to provide herself and her eldest daughter the same standard of living they currently have.

It seems pretty foolish to break up the family she does have and deprive her three year old and baby of a loving full-time father all because she can't accept a situation she was fully aware of from the very beginning. No one is being treated unkindly here. The OP just isn't getting the exact kind of blended family she wanted

Well I would say DH and me have a very happy blended families and I know countless others, sadly not including my own older DCs paternal side and yes have friends where it wasn’t great either so like most first families it tends to be a mixed bag

I think op stays because apart from the step daughter she has a rather lovely fortunate life with her boyfriend who’s rather wealthy.

The only issue is the step daughter and his family don’t accept her and her older child as family. He is fine with that and hasn’t even proposed to her despite two children together.

I don't know that I agree. He doesn't feel any need to force a relationship between his daughter and the OP's family. That seems perfectly fair to me. She's not rude to them. She's just not particularly interested in being included. She's nice to the OP's daughter, she just doesn't see her as a sibling or a potential friend. Perhaps that will come with time, perhaps not. The husband would not stand for his own SD being treated poorly by his family members but by the OP's own admission to that hasn't happened. They are kind to her, they just don't view her as a granddaughter.

The OP doesn't say he treats her badly. He just doesn't share her views on blending families and he never has. He was clear on this. The OP just won't accept it.

Sadly I’ve not known one in real life to work well for the kids involved & nothing I’ve read on Mumsnet over the years makes me think differently. The only positive story I’ve ever heard is from Stacy Soloman (& who knows how true that actually is rather than managed PR).

Yes accept it and see it as a sign that she needs to reconsider her life with him

Perhaps but we don't know that as the OP hasn't said. We know she stays over 2-3 times a month. She may also see her father during the week as in the OP's previous thread she said that he would take her out to lunch during the week and would sometimes bring the OP's daughter too.

But it's irrelevant anyway since the husband has made it clear that the daughter's room is not available for use as a guest room. OP needs to just accept that.

Many blended families do work really well but I do feel sorry for OP and the DC to have ended up in this situation, he doesn’t sound like he wanted to establish a true partnership with her

What lifestyle does she get from it? Is she actually any better off than she would be on her own? Does she own the house, the whole set up just doesn’t seem worth it

With the background others have given, this just seems so so sad for all the DCs involved - why the fuck do adults do this to their kids. Stay single / living separately until the DCs are grown - poor kids get no choice in any of this.

Boarding schools have long holidays so she still will have a main residence, where she spends an awful lot more time than just 2-3 nights a month

Exactly. The SD is apparently very fond of the three year old and might well have agreed to this.

I also think it's somewhat telling that OP is trying to make this plan for her mother's sleeping arrangements while it is still unknown whether SD will be there.

100% @BeaRightThere

It also seems that DSD might accept having her three year old half sister kip in with her, so the problem could have been pre-empted by switching out the toddler bed for a single earlier

This particular bedroom and en suite he had built specifically for his daughter. It was never intended to be used as a spare room, which OP knew.