Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

But her dad who paid for that exact bedroom does.

This is ridiculous. A 14 year old absolutely does NOT get to dictate who stays in the room she uses a couple of times a month.

This is ridiculous. A 14 year old absolutely does NOT get to dictate who stays in the room she uses a couple of times a month.

I think the ‘best rooms’ go to the family members in residence. So I would be looking at rewinding the notion that SD gets the big en-suite it’s simply not fair that DH has insisted that a child that doesn’t live with you and maybe stays once a week gets the en-suite room that’s totally unreasonable (and smacks of parental guilt). As for the Christmas arrangements…your mum gets the en-suite 100%. The older kids can bunk down together or wherever and make the best of it…don’t disturb the little ones as it’s not worth the regression hassle. But honestly the notion that SD get the en-suite is not reasonable on any occasion.

I think the ‘best rooms’ go to the family members in residence. So I would be looking at rewinding the notion that SD gets the big en-suite it’s simply not fair that DH has insisted that a child that doesn’t live with you and maybe stays once a week gets the en-suite room that’s totally unreasonable (and smacks of parental guilt). As for the Christmas arrangements…your mum gets the en-suite 100%. The older kids can bunk down together or wherever and make the best of it…don’t disturb the little ones as it’s not worth the regression hassle. But honestly the notion that SD get the en-suite is not reasonable on any occasion.

I think the ‘best rooms’ go to the family members in residence. So I would be looking at rewinding the notion that SD gets the big en-suite it’s simply not fair that DH has insisted that a child that doesn’t live with you and maybe stays once a week gets the en-suite room that’s totally unreasonable (and smacks of parental guilt). As for the Christmas arrangements…your mum gets the en-suite 100%. The older kids can bunk down together or wherever and make the best of it…don’t disturb the little ones as it’s not worth the regression hassle. But honestly the notion that SD get the en-suite is not reasonable on any occasion.

There are probably lots of posters with blended families and similar situations, who post regularly on Stepparenting.

If you search the OP's username her other thread comes up via advanced search. Apparently there are other threads under a different username too. I'm aware of another poster with a very similar situation but I'm not sure they're the same person because AFAIK that other poster doesn't have two small children even though the situations seem extraordinarily similar.

Was this obtained via advanced searching the Op @NoCommentingFromNowOn ?

He didn’t ‘agree’ to it, he established it as that when he specifically spent money to have it built. He gets to dictate whether it’s used when she isn’t there, and he’s told OP no.

She is different to the rest of the family, and her individual needs (counting emotional needs) aren’t automatically going to be the same as the needs of the other children. This particular family doesn’t emulate a nuclear one, has never tried to, and doesn’t have to. OP isn’t her mother, and OP’s eldest isn’t her sister. Her father recognized how important it was for her, and familial relationships, to have her own established space, and so be provided that for her. He had a bedroom built for his daughter, not a bedroom that can also be used as a guest room.

OP has questioned it more than once, and every time she’s failed to get her way. Unless she’s prepared for her relationship to end over this issue, she needs to stop trying to assert dominance she doesn’t have.

From your previous thread in February -

My partner announced at the weekend…that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

My stepdaughter does not want my daughter present when she is there. She feels that my daughter gets in the way of her relationship with the others.

We are not ‘blended’ Step-daughter doesn’t want to blend.

My daughter won’t be welcome , that’s why we can’t go. She is seen by my stepdaughter as an obstacle. She has verbalised this. In-laws, I think agree with this.

The Wales trip was not her (step-daughter’s mother) idea or step-daughter’s but my partner’s. He agrees with Step-daughter and wants his kids to have a bond.

My sister invited my stepdaughter to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, I can honestly say stepdaughter looked at her as if she was a Martian and politely refused to even go to the wedding. She was 10 years old.

My partner sees her on his own all the time. Up until she went away to school he had dinner with her and occasionally our eldest child once a week. He would collect her from a class once a week and she would come to us where she has an en-suite bedroom (she has never actually lived full time in the house) a couple of times a month.

Partner is always kind to my daughter.

He is completely ok with the two girls having separate families.

He couldn’t care less about his daughter being included in my sister’s wedding nor is he in the least perturbed when his family don’t include my daughter. He would object if anyone was rude but no one ever has.

My partner has no problem whatsoever in operating a kind of two separate family thing.

He doesn’t see why I have a problem when his brother launches an event stepdaughter and cousins are given sashes and jobs to do and my daughter isn’t invited.

He doesn’t see I have a problem when his family celebrate his niece’s birthday a week after my daughter’s they ask how she celebrated hers while we all sing happy birthday to his niece.

The suggestion that my daughter shares a bathroom with my stepdaughter made me laugh. £62 grand he is spending on an extension rather than allow that to happen.

Plus the comments in this thread too of course.

How about marriage counselling and/or divorce? It seems you are the brood mare, step daughter is the heir, your youngest two are the ‘spares’ and your oldest daughter is the one everyone has to tolerate because she won’t do the decent thing and find somewhere else to live.

For her sake, sort this out. You are allowing her to be harmed by this, it will affect her deeply.

Edited to add - did you have another thread too, something about your step daughter had done much better in exams or school reports or something similar, and your oldest has very mild sen? A few months ago?

Yes I realise this and have said in my earlier posts that if she’s there then they will need another plan.

However if she isn’t there then it is bonkers for the room to lay empty while everyone else struggles. The dh should never have agreed to this. It immediately sets the DSD aside from the rest of the family. She gets her own extension that nobody else is allowed to use ever despite her only being there a few days a month. But the rest have to suck it up and share when needed.

He is obviously feeling some sort of guilt and trying to overcompensate by agreeing to these silly conditions. Yes she deserves her own space. No she shouldn’t get to dictate how it’s used when she isn’t there. And op has every right to question this as she’s part of the family too - along with her kids who seem to be second class citizens in this setup.

But the bedroom may not be unused. That is as yet unknown. And if the OP decides that her mother is going to stay there, that sends a clear message to the SD doesn't it? Suddenly her bedroom is not available so she can't stay anyway.

It's been gone over again and again on this thread. The dynamics of the household are not going to change. They are what they are the OP can either accept it or not. Her husband has determined that this bedroom is for his daughter's exclusive use. And that is the end of it. The OP is just upsetting herself causing drama over this when there is no point.

She wants them to be tightly bonded as sisters. Her daughter wants this, the stepdaughter doesn’t.

No. I’m really not that invested. If I’m going to comment advice on a thread I take it at face value of what’s been written in the post. I’m not going to do a deep dive into someone’s posting history.

OP asked if she was being unreasonable to suggest the UNUSED bedroom be borrowed by her own mother for a few nights over Xmas. The majority of people have said she isn’t. And if I were her I’d be having a serious conversation about the dynamics within the household because the message he’s sending is that his daughters wants and needs trump everyone else’s.

This does seem to provide further context. Why did the OP want the SD to share with her daughter?

No. I’m really not that invested. If I’m going to comment advice on a thread I take it at face value of what’s been written in the post. I’m not going to do a deep dive into someone’s posting history.

OP asked if she was being unreasonable to suggest the UNUSED bedroom be borrowed by her own mother for a few nights over Xmas. The majority of people have said she isn’t. And if I were her I’d be having a serious conversation about the dynamics within the household because the message he’s sending is that his daughters wants and needs trump everyone else’s.

No. I’m really not that invested. If I’m going to comment advice on a thread I take it at face value of what’s been written in the post. I’m not going to do a deep dive into someone’s posting history.

OP asked if she was being unreasonable to suggest the UNUSED bedroom be borrowed by her own mother for a few nights over Xmas. The majority of people have said she isn’t. And if I were her I’d be having a serious conversation about the dynamics within the household because the message he’s sending is that his daughters wants and needs trump everyone else’s.

No. I’m really not that invested. If I’m going to comment advice on a thread I take it at face value of what’s been written in the post. I’m not going to do a deep dive into someone’s posting history.

OP asked if she was being unreasonable to suggest the UNUSED bedroom be borrowed by her own mother for a few nights over Xmas. The majority of people have said she isn’t. And if I were her I’d be having a serious conversation about the dynamics within the household because the message he’s sending is that his daughters wants and needs trump everyone else’s.

"Might not be in use"

It is SD's room. As such, it should be considered used at all times. Not an en suite room for your relatives. By putting your mom in there, you would be keeping SD out of her own home. You have multiple other options.

Of course it's unreasonable.

Do you think your husband enjoys you starting shit about his daughter and her having a place in his home every holiday?

You've said your oldest doesn't have much paternal involvement. Yet you're trying to lessen your SD's place in her father's life. You might want to think about that.

Have you never read a post on Mumsnet and thought that the situation described sounds familiar to a previous one and checked? I don't think that's weird or unusual.

Regardless, as many posters keep repeating, IT DOES NOT MATTER whether you or the OP or anyone else thinks that that it is ridiculous to leave the SD's bedroom empty. Her husband has made it very clear that the room is not to be used as a guest room. End of discussion.

The OP can think it's stupid all she wants, but it won't change, so why ruin Christmas for herself stressing over it when she can simply put the baby back in her bedroom instead.