Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

So you’re wondering what would happen if the younger siblings suddenly said to their dads parents, who aren’t related to the ops dd.. “you must include our other sister in your family events or we won’t come”…?
Id be thinking that was driven/planted by their mum!

Well not on this thread… can’t understand the posters who think backstories should be ignored!

Even my own three children with the same parents go off together in different groupings.

Some times it’s the oldest and youngest, the older two of the younger two. I don’t make they all do everything together or accuse them of excluding one.

It’s mix and match.

At such a point the fathers older child would have to decide what she wanted to do.

However most sibling groups don’t do everything together one or two go off and do things. Much like the father’s two older daughters going to his parents for a holiday.

I’m sure as adults there will be various versions of the different siblings even ops three doing things in different groups or couplings.

Op needs to be careful however not to make the stepdaughter an outcast and the blame getting laid at her eldest feet as has happened and posted here by other mothers who want their first Borns to be included or prioritised at every point to the detriment of the half sibling from the fathers side and the younger shared children’s relationship with their fathers side full stop.

It’s a very very careful line that must be tread when two adults with existing children decide to have more when the families are not actually blended and happy.

Where are you getting the impression that the OP's daughter is left out? She lives with her mother, stepfather and siblings full time. She has her mother's family too. Occasionally her stepfather takes his daughter out for lunch and sometimes he brings her, sometimes not. Sometimes he takes his daughter and one of the younger ones to visit relatives the other child presumably does not know well if at all. Why is any of this a problem or exclusionary?

Part of the problem seems to be that OP and her daughter have placed the SD on a sort of pedestal. They want her to be close to the daughter, to see her as a sibling or very close friend. But the two girls may have absolutely nothing in common. Why is it not enough that the SD is friendly and kind?

The OP’s DD is the sibling of the SD’s siblings. I wonder what would happen if the younger ones made it clear that they want their sibling, the OP’s DD, to be included in outings etc. A situation their father doesn’t seem to have considered, but the OP has.

It’s a shame. The dad and his SD are going to end up not seeing much of the younger children at all at this rate.

She didn't exclude her as such. Her father wanted to take her and three year old to stay with their grandparents. That seems fine to me. They're not the OP's daughter's grandparents.

Anyway you're right this thread is not about that, we can agree to disagree.

So if I want to spend time with my brother.

Am I excluding his gf and my husband?

Or am I simply spending time with my sibling.

If I see my mum without my dad and I just spending time with mum or am I excluding dad?

That's what happens when 2 families join together. She doesn't need exclusive access to be able to bond. Wanting to exclude her is most certainly not kind. She gets to spend time with her siblings. Again, this post is not about that.

The other daughter gets to be with the little ones 24/7. I don't see why the SD shouldn't get some time alone with them to bond. She doesn't dislike the other daughter and is kind to her. She just wants to spend some time now and then with her siblings.

Why is it exclusion to want to spend time with your own siblings rather than just wanting to spend time with your siblings?

Not everything is about excluding someone rather than just inviting who you want.

If the step daughter had a party and invited her siblings and friends. Thats her inviting her family and friends. It’s not excluding the ops daughter she’s just not family or friend.

If the op and partner separated. The older two children would never see each other again bar the younger two children’s events because they are not family or friends.

It’s like being forced to invited your mums friends child to your party. Because it’s mums friend’s daughter. She’s not your friend, you are not excluding her to not invite her. She’s just simply not invited.

Not everything is done to be mean to someone else. They just don’t register on your people I want to spend time with / invite.

No one is fawning over him. People are just pointing out that as far as this issue is concerned, the OP is fighting a losing battle. Her husband/partner won't change his mind on this point and he has been extremely clear about this. He has been upfront about how things will be in regarding his daughter. His daughter and his side of the family simply will not blend in the manner the OP wants. Nobody is rude or unkind, but the OP can't be satisfied with that.

It is for her own good that people are advising her to accept the situation as it is. If she can't then she can leave, but I don't think she will because she seems broadly happy except at holidays when the SD is around more.

So since she won't leave and her husband won't change his mind, she needs to accept and make other plans.

I don't think it sounds like that at all, I think it's more the point the sd wants time alone with the siblings and wants to specifically exclude ops daughter. Either way, this post isn't about that.

This- op def doesn’t want the dsd and the younger sibs having time together without her daughter, her mum actually sounds v sensible as she’s told op how unreasonable she was sobbing and crying about that.

He doesn't make those kind of decisions regarding OP's eldest daughter, it would seem.

I am also Irish and same.

But it doesn't matter what you or I would do because the husband has made it ABUNDANTLY clear the no one else will be sleeping in his daughter's bedroom.

Ops never going to change her partners mind. So it’s a lost cause. Round and around we go.

He picked the wrong person to have more children with and so did she.

So why is her birthday daughter giving up her room an option? Hubby is fine with that apparently

I come from a huge Irish family, so we always had guests backwards and forwards across the pond my whole life. I was moved out of my room as a child more times than I can remember to accommodate Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, etc.

It's perfectly normal to let a guest, especially your older Mum, stay in an empty room, particularly if there's an ensuite. There'd be no way I'd be moving all the other kids around and inconveniencing them to leave that room empty; it's crazy and very selfish.

Yes, it's your SD's room, but it's also a room in your house (not just your Husband's...).

Even if your SD ends up being there, I'd still be moving her in with one of the other kids to accommodate the Mum.

Gosh, all this fawning over a man who’s just as much at fault if not more so than the OP.

As for “she doesn’t need [my emphasis] sleep over all” - of course! She’s old, she’s a woman, why on earth should what either she or her daughter, the OP, want rather than need ever be considered! Stupid pair of women, right?

Like I said.

Well that’s lucky, because DH has decided that DSD’s bedroom isn’t available to guests.

How do you know that? Are they your kids?

Husband has decided. The room is not a guest room. End of story.

And daddy says nobody but his daughter sleeps in that room 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Not at all. My children have a close relationship with both grandmothers. But there are other options here. The baby can sleep with the parents, the eldest daughter can sleep downstairs or with the smaller two. The husband has offered to drive her home either, she doesn't live far away.

It's also unclear how the grandmother in question would feel about all this given she has previously told the OP she needs to accept the way things are.