Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

A lot of people are missing the sensitivity of step family dynamics here. Having your own Gran to stay in your room when you have the comfort of a secure family home and parents who are together is completely different to the dynamic of a child feeling like they are “lesser-than” in one of the homes they live in and being asked if someone they are not even related to can stay in their room instead of them. This will likely have made her feel even more like the “disposable child”.

I can absolutely imagine this from my daughter’s perspective. She’s only at her dad’s place a couple of times a month, and she has taken a while to settle there. Her room is where she spends most of her time (her dad is often busy with other stuff) and it’s her safe space. I can imagine she might feel very uncomfortable with the idea of her dad’s partner’s mum, who she barely knows, sleeping in her safe space for a few days.

Stepdaughter hasn't decided her plans yet for Xmas, if its even her choice. Maybe her mum is being indecisive. Seems unlikely she won't want to see her dad or siblings at all over the period.

If plans change or she wants to come at short notice (which she should be totally entitled to do) then where do you plan to put her? That's the main question.

Get 3 year old a proper single bed, will need it in a year or 2 anyway. Then your mum can sleep in there. 3 year old can share with stepdaughter as you said SD would be ok with that. Move toddler bed into there for over Christmas and then get rid of it. SD is I presume funny about someone sleeping in her bed. But if DD3 sleeps in toddler bed in her room wouod that be fine even if SD not there?

Sounds like on this you are a practical "any beds a bed" person and your partner and maybe step daughter are emotional/identity "my bed is my place in the home" person.

Yes. I agree.

Interestingly PP never came back to answer that 🤔

So is ops own 14 dd a “spoilt little madam” for not offering up her room?

Right. I understood that she only stayed there on occasion, and not at Christmas. Maybe the OP could clarify.

She is 14, so hardly a little girl.

I am of the opinion this isn't a happy and united home. If it was, another family member occupying an otherwise empty room, wouldn't be an issue.

If the DSD plans to be there is one scenario where the OP needs to rejig her own sleeping set up. But if the step daughter isn't going to be there, I find it extraordinary that the whole household needs to be disrupted, while an en-suite bedroom remains empty.

Logic must apply. My own dds would give up their rooms without question for any guests of ours. It is a space, not an organ.

Then why aren't OP's actual children having to make any compromises for their grandma - why is it all down to the step-daughter?

No - OP says "We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here".

RIDICULOUS! Especially if the room isn’t in use. My own ds is sharing his room (with my mum) this Xmas because it’s bigger so more guests can stay. People in my house have always had to juggle rooms at Christmas so that the family can share the day together. But it’s so unreasonable to move all the little ones around when your stepdaughter won’t even be there! Your dh has to think of all of his children, and not just focus on his guilt towards his eldest..

Before anyone says, no, I’m not a step mum. But my eldest is the stepchild and I know how it feels sometimes. You worry about any potential of them being left out, to the point that it sometimes clouds your judgement on practical situations. But at the end of the day, even if she were living there full time, she may have to move room at Christmas as that’s just what it’s like when you’re trying to fit everyone in. At this point she’s just getting special treatment for no logical reason.

I agree. Plus it's really important for young people to understand about compromise.

I grew up in a big family, I didn’t have my own room until I left home and my Gran slept in my bed every other weekend when she stayed and I slept on a blow up mattress in with two of my siblings when she did.

This concept of sacrosanct teenage space didn’t exist when I was growing up. It is insane to have an empty bed and not use it over Christmas.

They're not "kicking her out". She's staying in her other bedroom in her main residence.

First of all work out the arrangements for Xmas . If dsd will be there then obviously the room isn’t free - if she won’t be then of course your mother can use it that’s common sense ! If you have a room empty then it won’t affect dsd !

Ridiculous. When my granny came to stay at Christmas one of us would be turfed out and told to share with the other. No discussion, no debate. It’s called being part of a family and mucking in.

Your DH is absolutely at fault for pandering to this.

Really, stop calling this poor girl a madam! Your tone oozes with spitefulness and a complete lack of empathy.

Ensuite is neither here nor there. OP's mum could go back to her own home an hour away if she wants a private bathroom.

Not when they live an hour away and staying over involves kicking their step-granddaughter out of their bedroom

OH so now it might be the masters house. How very Victorian of you.

I always hated giving up my bedroom for my grandparents. We weren't close at all and it always felt very intrusive. I can only imagine it's worse when it's step mums mum.
Just move one of the ones that are too little to know any different. Pick your battles.

Why shouldn't her mum stay over at Christmas? Isn't that what a lot of people do?

Exactly. It’s also ridiculous to have someone stay for at least 3 nights when they live an hour away.

You’re being ridiculous. Your mother lives an hour away. She doesn’t need to stay over for so long and nor should she stay over for so long when she only lives an hour away.

Did your husband own this house before you came into the picture?

Quite.