Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

I think the room becomes very much less the DSD's if OP insists that it's the only place her mother can stay before they even know if DSD is going to be there at Christmas. It's not a spare room, and you only need an ounce of sensitivity towards a stepchild to know that having their space in their father's home matters. Good on him for sticking to that line. There are lots of other options.

I have a SS and we have moved his bedroom to accommodate a new sibling and use his room as an office when he’s not here.

We also hold off big family celebrations unless he’s here, plan outings around his interests and in general make it very clear he’s welcome, indeed cherished by the whole blended family. Which is probably why he’s fine with all of the above.

I think OP said the extension is where the latest kids live. But it sounds like there was an agreement made that SD has her room. Now OP wants to change that. He remodeled to have a 2 family home, his and OP's and their shared kids. 2 families share space and OP wants SD's space for her use.

Since SD doesn't see OP's extended family as her family, OP using SD's room as her family's guest room would result in pushing SD out of the home. If OP has her mom there, SD definitely would not be there. OP knows this. That's the point of this. It looks like OP's husband sees it too, that's why he's put his foot down. OP is having some kind of problem with SD the last 2 holidays now. OP resents her stepdaughter, it's really obvious and her partner is likely clued in.

Completely agree, even if this was my own DD I would think my ex mad for giving her the best room in the house when she’s only there 2-3 nights a month. However this doesn’t fit with the MNs narrative that 99% of resources should go to the children of the first marriage whether that’s fair or logical and to hell with the rest of the children in the family

YANBU. DSS has a room at our house which is decorated to his taste. However, he’s aware that sometimes other people sleep in there if he’s not with us. It probably happens about once a month if my mum stays and very occasionally if our friends stay because their daughter is in the box room. Regarding your DSD, the room doesn’t become less hers (so to speak) just because it’s occasionally used by someone else. Your husband is being silly.

You're treating your husband's daughter like a visitor. Her bedroom like it's a spare room.

You need to rearrange your thinking there and accept that though she may only be there a few nights a month, this is also her home. Her space. She needs to feel a part of Dad's life and she probably feels a bit vulnerable and insecure so a room that's HERS helps her hang on to security.

With only a few weeks to go, your husband and his ex need to sort themselves out and decide where she will be spending Christmas, for everyone's clarity.

If she's coming to you, job done.

If not, it might be possible to start conversations with her about kindness, sharing, offering, accommodating, being aware that if she doesn't need it, it would help Dad and you plan to welcome your guests.

Thing is though, if she isn't there, how is she stopping you?

I have read your post and can see it from all angles.

However this is the bit that seems unfair. I understand why she has her own room and whey she doesn’t want people in there - I think at 14 I would feel the same tbh. But… If she’s hardly ever there then why does she get the best room in the house? Why can your 13 yo not have that as her room and use the en-suite daily. It seems a bit mean to not have this set-up already when her step-sister is hardly ever there 🤷‍♀️

I would choose the easiest option for now but moving forwards I’d be discussing with your husband about rearranging the rooms in a way that is fair and practical for everyone. Not just his daughter. I suspect if your 13 yo had this room already then Christmas arrangements would be less of an issue.

It sounds like it was thought through though - the father built an extension onto his house so his DD could keep her own space. OP just seems determined to undermine this.

“All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either”………and yet he’s perfectly happy for everyone else to be inconvenienced! If DSS isn’t using the room then IMO anyone can use it……..stop treating her like a bloody princess.

She sounds very entitled and spoilt. My children have always given up their room at Christmas for their grandparents to stay. They don't have a choice and are well mannered and happy to do that. They usually give them a few pounds as a "thank you". And that is their permanent bedroom. It's called being a family and being kind to each other.

If your stepdaughter is there for Christmas and your mum is in her room, where will stepdaughter sleep?

Husband on the sofa and your mum shares the bed with you?

Is she necessarily, she would almost certainly have her own nice room if the OP was single (2 bedroom houses tend to have a generous sized 2nd room) and if had remained single and the DD and the only child. The OP would have then had a much greater earning capacity in addition to time and energy for her DD. Not that the OP should have for those reasons and sure she is doing all she can to ensure the DD is having a nice life, also now has the benefit of more siblings as the DSD also has. Who says the DSD doesn’t enjoy boarding school? Most children don’t get that opportunity, obviously if she hates it that’s a different issue but no evidence she is not happy about this huge amount of money being spent on her. The DD has also had a blended family imposed upon her. You’re making sweeping assumptions that boarding schools and blended families are always negative, where is the evidence of this in this particular case.

I wonder whether DH and SD being so set on the bedroom is actually more about OP's overall feelings towards the SD. This isn't the first post by OP about SD and I am certain DH and SD will be aware of these feelings. DH will love all his children equally and may well be pushing back to defend his daughter being treated unfairly. Why can't DH sleep in with the younger children and mum in with OP. There are many options OP cpuld consider that could happen that wouldn't involve SD giving up her room and still make her feel welcome in her father's house.

It sounds as though the OP’s daughter is living in a much nicer environment than she would be without her Stepfathers’s wealth.

I feel sorry for the Stepdaughter in all this. She’s had a “blended” family forced on her, spends most of the year away from family at boarding school and then the part of the house her father wants her to have for herself so she feels secure is under threat from her Stepmother wanting to use it. No doubt if her husband gave way on the Christmas request, it’d be five minutes before her own daughter was using the room ‘just while the stepdaughter isn’t there’.

what stood out me is that you don’t know yet that dsd wont be there. What will you do if she does want to come for christmas?

Of course it isn’t. The least hassle solution is to use the bedroom standing empty for most of the time.

You are forgetting that the OP had children with the DH , surely the DHs resources should be being shared out in a fair and logical manner between all the children. Why isn’t he building an extension for his other children too then? I am all for DSD being fairly treated, it was heartbreaking to see this happen on the other side to my own children. However there always seems to be such a strong bias on MNs against the children of any new relationship, like it’s fine for them to be treated as total 2nd class citizens and receive a pittance proportion of any available resources

Yes I’m quite concerned re the OPs older daughter risks being the real hidden victim in this, although hopefully the OP is protecting her from this. The DSD no doubt has a mother and a lovely bedroom there, boarding school, she’s being given the best room in her dad’s house despite the fact she’s only there 2-3 nights a month etc, Does the older DD even have a dad who is involved let alone a room at another house?
Of course the DSD should be welcomed and treated with love and inclusion at her dad’s house (and in real life experience I have seen where this hasn’t happened and it’s been so sad so I would be the first to say this) However the DSD does not need to be put on a pedestal at the expense of the OPs older DD (which quite a few posters have suggested should happen).

You are completely correct we should all bow to the demands of a 14 year old no matter how illogical and inconvenient they are for every other member of the family.

It is the OPs house for goodness sake, the other arrangements would hugely inconvenience everyone else

You don't know it will definitely lead to a sleep regression for the younger children. It's only a couple of days presumably. Moving the kids around sounds like the least hassle solution

No, are you?

Or are you just a bizarre little thing?

Have a great day; I shan’t interact with you further.

There is no 'we' here. OP is the only one who wants to use DSD's room. DSD has put a boundary in place - OP is able to accommodate DM in other ways, but said she doesn't want to. So she is creating a scenario where is she attempting to take control of DSD's private space because she doesn't want to do something different, and setting up an unnecessary OP vs DSD battle of wills.

DH has already said no. OP needs to swallow her pride and make another arrangement.

Yes, it should have. To be honest, the OP should simply back up her three children to go to her mum’s for Christmas and have a good long think about where she sees this relationship going. Her DH and DSD have zero intention of treating her oldest DD as part of their family. This now seems to extend to her mum.

I have to say I do wonder if some of these posts can be real. The attitude towards grandmas shown here is the worst I think I’ve ever seen on MN, and bears no reflection of the real world as I know it so I’m starting to think half have been made of for attention. If not - well, there are a lot of sad and miserable MNers out there.