Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

You sound so invested. And like you know the op personally and understand her intentions and motivations. It’s a bit weird to be honest. Draw your own conclusions if you must but don’t spout them about as if they are factual.

Hardly invested. It's opinion, just like yours. I think OP is weird having issues with her SD having her own space in her father's home.

Because that's the commitment he made to his daughter.

But why is it exclusively off limits when she isn’t there?

They should get whatever form of spare bed or other set up they need to be comfortable, if OP's mother's visit isn't very much a one off. No need for any drama. Sounds as if the DH is earning enough to manage a good sofa bed or whatever else is needed so that they can welcome OP's relatives when she wants that, without reneging on commitments to anyone else.

You sound so invested. And like you know the op personally and understand her intentions and motivations. It’s a bit weird to be honest. Draw your own conclusions if you must but don’t spout them about as if they are factual.

It seems like op is getting stick purely because she’s a stepparent daring to challenge the unfair special treatment her Dh is showing to his daughter. He needs to work on that because it’s very unfair to the rest of the family and actually isolates the stepchild more.

OP’s husband paid 62k precisely to accommodate his growing family, and ensure that his daughter would have her own space when she visited.

It’s useful to have the context of the back story, which OP’s previous post about her SD provides. The SD is away at boarding school and already spends a limited amount of time with her father. It’s important she has her own space in that home that’s hers. Which she has. Paid for by her father, at no detriment to her half and step siblings.

This isn’t a bad option.
Or maybe DSD would allow her dad to stay in her room? Or you both even?

This.

But I do like the idea of giving your mum your room and making DH sleep on the sofa - might focus his mind a bit 🙂

It is fair. He remodeled the house to make it so. OP wants the entire space now. She's trying very hard to push her SD out of her father's home and her dad's not having it, to his credit.

She's also put up threads with her SD as a target for online vitriol more than once. The family dynamics here are squirrelly, to say the least.

Maybe, but I have also seen recommendations that children at boarding school always know they have their own space at home, that they can turn up any time and it's there. I can also see it as the kind of reassurance a father would give his daughter when he's bringing a new family into their lives. And it's done - he's made the commitment.

My sense is that OP is looking for any problem which can only be solved by putting DSD in her place, but there are lots of other solutions to this and to any other scenario that don't involve using DSD's bedroom. Just imagine it doesn't exist and work from there. They should honour the commitment and not make a meal out of this.

Absolutely, this is our children and DSC too and none of them have a problem with it 🤷🏻‍♀️ Blended families can be awful and my own DD was a victim of that but that was completely different treatment/circumstances

Well it was a silly commitment for him to make as not fair on the rest of the family

The logical thing would just be to arrange OPs mother’s visit for when the SD isn’t there, which I assume is what the OP is doing, i.e well as SD planning to spend Christmas with her mother then SD comes for new year if she fancies. This is how we do it all the time, DSC mother wants to have guests over on x dates so they stay here and vice versa

That's your call with your own children of course, and I'm sure it's fine for your family and you've thought it all through. But it's not what this child's father has said to her or arranged with her, and OP should not push him to break his commitment to her.

My 15yo would give up her room with en suite to any guest without even thinking about it if she was at her dad’s. If she was at home she would go in with her brothers, sleep on my floor, or crash on the sofa for my mum. Or DHs mum, who is also her family. Because she’s not a selfish mare who would see a 70yo on the floor or in anything less than comfort because ‘her space’. She’s always had two rooms, wouldn’t mind if her dad let anyone sleep in hers while she’s home - long as the beds are cleaned, she is a child of our family and would hate for any guest in either home to be uncomfortable. Offering a bed to an older relative is not pushing anyone out,
its manners. And for the person least likely to be inconvenienced, I can’t see the issue. My DD knows we are two to her one, we are more likely to have less sleep as our other kids are little and annoying sometimes, and we need comfortable sleep more than she does. The problem with this attitude is that it makes the first child more separate, less integrated than the rest of the family who rub along and put other members first as a matter of courtesy and love, not because of birth order or divorce.

Why should SD have a horrible night's sleep if she's there, then? Plenty of blow up beds etc are perfectly comfortable.

It's either a big deal for someone to give up their bed, in which case planning for DSD to do it makes her seriously uncomfortable at Christmas. Or it's not, in which case there is no reason for DSD to be the one to be displaced. OP is creating a fake problem here.

Practically yes. Emotionally it's the most hassle.

Sorry but when we say to our kids that is your room, we don’t mean we can never use the room for anything else. Our DS has his own room but I regularly bring him into our room if we’ve got guests, both his and DSC room is designed so can be both their bedrooms and multi purpose when needed

They don’t know she’s not there though so they of course need a proper plan for how to accommodate guests when they’re all together

I just reread the OP's posts and I think she thinks that even if her SD is there for Christmas, she should give up her room. I really really disagree with that. It's not her grandmother. It should be the eldest DD who gives up her bed, a single bed is fine.

Just come out and say you don’t like your step daughter and you are happy to have a contentious relationship with her.

Your DH should watch your interactions with her carefully.

DH on the sofa and your Mum bunks in with you...

But why? Two people having a horrible nights sleep or someone who isn’t even there sharing like any other member of the family would?

What is this 2 family thing? Are they not all just one blended family?

OP why not give your mum your room and sleep on the sofa or if you have a dining room in there?