Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

Your DH has offered a good solution. Have you even asked your mum what she wants? I know I would much rather be in my own bed and be collected and dropped off on the day. Most people like their home comforts.

I mean that any attempt to put DSD's room back in the picture is stirring up trouble unnecessarily, since that's not an option. Obviously it's a fairly emotive issue too, in a blended family where the child is away from home so much. So OP should handle it sensitively and look elsewhere for solutions.

Why do you think she's stirring? That's quite an unnecessary view of what she's posted.

Agree! Wonder if dh family was coming if op would be as keen for that?

Do you know the entire family background? All I see is 'our house' not his house.

Sure, but that's off the table, thanks to a prior commitment, so OP needs to stop stirring and get on with planning another option.

Obviously, I don't know the OPs entire set up and history and what other motivations she might have, but, just going only by what's been posted here the most obvious thing is for the room to be given to the guest.

There’s nothing to ‘deal with’ - OP has been told no, and that’s it. How inconvenient her options are in comparison doesn’t change the fact that they are her options. Using the stepdaughter’s room isn’t.

She can’t override him here any more than she’s been able to override him previously - it’s his daughter and his house.

Inconvenient is okay sometimes, and they've plenty of time to make other plans, buy sofabeds, book hotels. Let's remember DSD may be there for Christmas. If the alternatives to her room are that much of a problem, maybe OP should be thinking of her a bit more instead of assuming she can bear the brunt.

Why do this if the room is free for instance? Also, I know the dad is in agreement with the dsd. He's the problem too

But her dad doesn’t want the room change either.

The poster suggesting that either OP’s mum or OP’s eldest DD go in with OP and that DH sleeps on the sofa (or in DSD’s room if she isn’t able to come for Xmas and is ok with her dad sleeping there) had the best idea.

Agree. Even the fact of DSD being away at boarding school sheds light on the 2-3 nights a month thing - the split of time between DSD’s two homes is much more equal than it sounds from this number stated without context.

The op has explained all the different permutations of room arrangements if the DSD doesn't relinquish her room and none of them are as convenient as you describe. Also arrangements change. Deal with it. Also, need to stop accomodating entitled behaviour. She'll benefit from the lesson as a result.

It might have been a good idea to establish this arrangement at the beginning, maybe, but having made the commitment the family shouldn't criticize DSD for holding them to it. It's not a refugee crisis - it's a visitor to a house with plenty of rooms and plenty of people able to move to accommodate her.

Yep. People really need to understand the backstory.

Absolutely this. Already mentioned earlier how op from previous threads is absolutely against dsd having anything her dd doesn’t get, to the extent of sobbing and drama because he wanted to take the dsd and 3yo to visit his side of family, and op was sobbing at unfairness of this to her daughter as it meant dsd and 3yo would have time together, but completely discounted all the time her dd and 3yo have together when dsd at boarding school.

What OP is asking is perfectly reasonable. Whatever arrangement you have, it's not acceptable that everyone else should be inconvenienced for a child who may not be present at the time and isn't a permanent fixture in the home. Absolutely smacks of bratish entitlement.

Duplicate post, sorry!

Problme is OP on numerous threads has bitched about her SD and has given the impression she does not like her and wants her out of perfect family and life.

Her DF is actually standing up for his daughter.
May be ask her when she is coing over Xmas but with the attitude of the SM I would run a mile. If she is coing even for 1 day then the room is not an option

SD only uses the en-suite bedroom 2 or 3 nights a MONTH and gets to dictate (or DH does) what else you use it for the other 29 days of the month? Hell no. Even if SD is coming for Christmas, it would still make sense to let the guest have the en-suite room. We all survived giving up our rooms for relatives at Christmas when we didnt have en-suites and lived there 100% of the time 😂 Come on now.

Or OP is treating DSD like an outsider, asserting dominance?

I'd say you could read it either way, and the family needs to stick with the commitments made to DSD at this point. If the rest of the family has needs that aren't being met, this should be tackled without taking from DSD.

With only a few weeks to go, your husband and his ex need to sort themselves out and decide where she will be spending Christmas, for everyone's clarity.

Christmas plans depend on the health of an elderly relative of DSD’s @JFDIYOLO - no one is being vague for the sake of it.

Yes, I like your approach, and I think you are very wise about battle lines. It is bad that this has been allowed to become a battle line. It will be worse if it becomes a battle the teenager loses - because then it's just about power and putting her in her place. In a few years time I'm sure she'll feel more secure in the family situation, but for now, even if promising her that space was a misstep, the family needs to find other solutions than going back on that.

This is totally a control, dominance thing. Husband is treating you and yours like outsiders while also accommodating his daughter's bratish, disrespectful behaviour. Don't allow it. Can't understand why people here think OP is being unreasonable. Ridiculous

You can’t buy familial harmony though, he doesn’t just get to write a cheque and dust off his hands. You need to listen, respond and respect eachother.

As I’ve said in a pp we use my Ss’s room as an office but if he asked us not to or we thought he’d dislike it we genuinely wouldn’t. I suspect subconsciously knowing we wouldn't pressure him is why he’s fine to share his space. Now OP has put this battle line down before working on improving the dynamic it’s going to be hard to ever get her to give up the space voluntarily. And her DH also hasn’t helped by apparently throwing money at a workaround not looking at the real issue.