Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

What happened?

Exactly. And what guest would feel comfortable knowing they were the cause of marital/familial discord and tension?

I also suspect that if the OP's mother knew her staying meant the partner being put out of his bed, she would refuse to stay.

Indeed. And the same may be true in respect of DSD's bed, given I understand she has previously indicated to OP that OP's expectations of blending families might be unrealistic.

He's already said he wouldn't like to give up his bed so we can assume that's not an option.

I also suspect that if the OP's mother knew her staying meant the partner being put out of his bed, she would refuse to stay.

Well the dh and I agree wouldn’t give up his room either which is part his reasoning behind his daughter also not.

Op can’t just offer up someone else’s bed without their agreement be that the one she shares or her step child’s.

I like this suggestion!

It's bloody ridiculous to have an unused bedroom with others crammed in elsewhere.

No. I am not a native English speaker, however.

I do wonder how long the husband/partner is prepared to put up with these periodic arguments over things he considers settled.

The point, that you so very nearly grasped with a little help from Hitler, is that whether it’s okay or not really doesn’t matter. That OP doesn’t like it, doesn’t matter. Whether people agree with her or not has precisely zero bearing on the reality of the situation.

Her partner has said that the room will not be used as a guest room. OP can work on accepting and getting the fuck over this, or she can leave the relationship. Well, I suppose she can continue to periodically pick fights to lose until her partner has finally had enough of it and ends the relationship himself, but that doesn’t seem the wisest course of action if she wants to remain with him.

This exactly sums it up. It's the pointlessness of the OP arguing over it when she knows her husband won't change. She knew the situation from the start.

It’s fine we can await the instalment after Christmas where either op is mad her mother did not stay at all, op is mad her partner still kept the bedroom empty so she slept elsewhere where, op is mad the dsd was visiting so couldn’t use the room either.

Where yet again her partner stands his ground and sticks by what his always said and the op continues to fume about it.

Since I assume I am one of the posters accused of having an agenda I'm going to respond. I have no agenda other than telling the OP that there is no point continuing to have this argument. How long do you think she should continue pushing this particular rock up the hill?

Her husband, if he is her husband, won't change his mind. He appears to be extremely intransigent on anything concerning his daughter. The OP is just upsetting herself and causing unnecessary drama by refusing to accept this.

The SD doesn't want to blend families the way the OP wants and neither does the husband. Again, this won't change.

Railing against it is not helping the OP. To my mind she could have a happy and very comfortable life, as could all three of her children, if she could accept that all she will get from her SD is friendliness and civility and that her husband is never going to expect more of his daughter than this.

The bedroom is clearly a particular bugbear of the OP's. She seemed annoyed that her husband built the extension in the first place. But since he did and since she knows why, she's only further annoying herself by trying to intrude upon the space she knows is her SD's.

All she has to do is tolerate this for another handful of years and the situation will resolve itself. If she can't do that then her relationship may end up in real trouble.

You've come back a fair few times yourself...

It's a thread that's taken on a life of its own - sometimes that happens.

Basic common sense but some very overly invested posters on this thread have a clear agenda and are relentlessly just shouting people down. Not surprised op hasn’t come back.

Again, as OP stated (in her first post, no less) and I restated upthread, DH has said he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

So you don't have to be a genius to work out DH's solution, which is not the one you have stated.

Go on, have another shot.

Good heavens, I didn't have 'Godwin's Law' on the bingo card for today!

(Also: 60 million people? Cite your source.)

It is the end of the story. The husband has been extremely clear that this is not up for negotiation. It's his house, he paid for the extension so that his daughter could have this space. He doesn't want her to have to give it up if she doesn't want to. And again, we don't even know that the SD won't be there over Christmas.

It isn't blatant favouritism to make sure that his daughter has her own dedicated space within his home. The OP's daughter also has her own space, and she gets to live there all the time while the SD does not.

There are other options available to the OP but she wants this bedroom. She pushes and pushes for things she knows aren't up for grabs because she does resent her SD. It is clear she resents that the SD won't be her daughter's BFF and won't blend the families in the way the OP wants.

She always describes the SD as polite and kind and civil, but then sits back and lets the wolves of Mumsnet tear the poor girl to pieces.

If the OP doesn't like the situation she is in, it's within her power to leave and change it.

I don't consider blatant favouritism as "fair enough" and treating family like an inconvenience, what skin off the daughters nose would it be if she wasn't there and someone used her bed.

I don't agree it's enraged op at all. She's remained calm and polite throughout the thread including when trolls have tried to point the finger.

Doesn't matter how hard you agree with the husband, doesn't make it OK. Yes the room is his daughters space, but it's in the family home, that she uses for a couple of days a month. If they continue to disagree on it, it literally isn't the end of the story. Something still needs to be worked out.

Well, to my mind that's fair enough. He doesn't seem to have any objection to what she does to accommodate her mother as long as his daughter's room is left alone. And besides which, it's the OP's daughter's grandmother anyway.

It doesn't matter how much it enrages OP or how hard you agree with her. He's not changing his mind. That room is his daughter's space, end of story.

Are we really at Godwin's Law point already?

By the same token, it doesn't matter how many people agree with the OP. It won't change the facts.

Op has stated the options that are on the table and only mentioned one room being off limits, you don't have to be a genius to work out he's only got a problem with his own daughters room being used and not hers.

This is incredibly rude. Why are you assuming someone must be "on the spectrum" if they disagree with you?

As has been said over and over ad nauseum, it doesn't matter what you or I or anyone else would do. The SD's bedroom is not available as a guest room. There is no debate or discussion to be had. The OP can, effectively, like it or lump it. Feel free to think it is unreasonable to your heart's content. The OP can do likewise. But the husband isn't going to change his mind and she knows this.

I haven't asked those who disagree with me, ive asked someone who has taken my comment quite literally. It's a relevant question.

I don't care who agrees with me. 60 million people agreed with Hitler, doesn't make it right.

The husband, as far as we know, has not made any comment at all regarding the OP's daughter giving up her room. His suggestion is that he pays for an Uber to take the MIL home.

No, it’s his. They’re not actually married, either. OP has previous threads.

Yes I'm aware of that. Are you on the spectrum? I'm clearly given an example of whats reasonable.

Just the electromagnetic one, as a gamma ray. IMO what’s reasonable is for OP to stop picking fights over a room when it’s been well established that she isn’t going to win. She, and even the entirety of mumsnet, can think him unreasonable as much as they collectively like, it won’t change the fact that OP can either suck it up, or leave. She doesn’t want to leave though, so… 🤷🏻‍♀️