Manager is making my life hell

You leave, is what you do. If the workplace culture is such that a manager can get away with such behaviour, it’s not going to improve.

You need to document everything, every changed instruction, every slight to you and others, so that if you decide to go down a grievance route you have specifics and patterns of behaviour. You also need to know what you think resolution would look like for you. It is awful while it is happening but if I am honest I would be looking elsewhere and share this at your exit interview.

I feel your pain OP as I work for a woman who is a vindictive narcissistic bitch.

Its a small company and we have no HR and no union and she is a part owner. At the moment I am utterly trapped and can’t find another job.

It’s horrific. It’s destroying my confidence and making me quite unwell.

Ive just showed my husband this and he thought I’d wrote into mumsnet as it’s almost identical to my circumstances including the length of time I’ve worked there etc! I tried to raise with HR and asked to move teams but they said she would have to approve the move (which I don’t think she’d do to be spiteful!) her manager is a bit of a wet lettuce, she bosses him about so would be pointless to speak to him! So I decided to cut my losses and I’ve resigned. I leave next week. I CANNOT WAIT!!!

I had one the same.
never knowing what you would get, the micromanaging, she was just awful and very a toxic person.
She had been the same for a long time and other people had left for the same reason so I didn’t think anything would be done about it, other people had worked there a long time so had a type of stockholm syndrome, plus most others worked part time.
I was full time always with her and it got to the point I was crying on the way to work on a Monday morning which had never happened in any other job I’ve done before or since.
I could feel myself getting sick from the toxic environment so I just looked for something else and left less than a year after starting.
I regret not giving an exit interview and laying it out what an utter unprofessional unpleasant bitch she is, and also not trusting my gut in the interview.
the relief when I walked out of there for the last time was enormous although it was a shame because everyone else was lovely, im a good hard worked and the hours and job itself suited me well.
Leave at the earliest opportunity, give an exit interview telling them why you’ve left, recruitment is expensive so if this starts costing them money unfortunately it’s one of the only ways they will take notice.

I had a manager like this and she was a nasty bully. It was an all female team and it was like being back at school. She'd pick on some people whilst keeping others very close, doing favours for them helping them and praising everything they did. The people who liked her saw what she was like but never challenged her for fear of also being bullied.
She particularly hated anyone who'd been qualified longer than she had and would go out of her way to bully them out of the team.
I put up with it for Couple of years but I was utterly miserable. I'd join the team hoping to progress and expecting support but I was given the worst jobs, but he'd about, criticised and blamed for everything.
I wanted to report her but those higher up thought she was brilliant. She got promoted after a reshuffle and threw our line manager under a bus which was bittersweet because finally this woman realised what sone of us had been saying all along was the truth but it was too late.
I eventually left - because I couldn't cope with it but I still remember what a horrible experience that job was.
I hope you manage to find a new and more rewarding job with a supportive manager.

I could have written this word for word.

My boss will tell me to do something but then berate me and ask me why I’ve done it - erm because you asked me to.

I spent a while feeling ill and like you I really enjoy the job but it is just her (and there’s no one above her).

She will also be lovely and then that’s more confusing.

I have decided that I will carry on doing what I’m doing and keeping track of every single email etc to have as many things in writing as possible.

I am not taking her comments to heart because I know she wants me to drop my hours (I bring in alot of money for her half the week and not much the rest so she wants me PT or self employed).

Carry on as you are OP and just keep looking for something else like I am doing.
I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice.

I’m just working my notice to get away from a manager like this.
im afraid that (in my experience ) even if you file a grievance, unless there’s enough evidence to get them sacked (or you can get a transfer), it’s unlikely to improve, so the best thing to do is get another job asap.

good luck

There is no minimum threshold for raising a grievance. Don’t put up with this behaviour. I did for far too long, similar situation to you. I moved jobs and am much happier but know I will never put up with it again. I’m also late 40’s I wish I could go back to my 20’s and save myself a lot of grief in the workplace by not putting up with the crap I did.

Hard agree with this.

No personal chat

Being nice and trying hard is doing precisely zero for you.

As someone who put up with this kind of shit from bad managers for wayyyy too long in my 20s.
I'm 40+ now and have managed 100s of people now...

She cant be spoken to and doesnt seem to know what she is doing (v common in new managers as is micro managing)

Document it where you can and file a grievance.

She wants to make your life hell.
Fine.
But can burn too...

File the grievance with HR, cry do what ypu need to and put her on notice
in the meantime, get your CV done and get put there.

The last time this happened I made notes about every single incident then when I had enough went to unison. There were meetings and he was sacked.

If she has a boss speaking to them to say she's not doing well as a person manager.
Or leave like I did

I had similar, in my first job, in a very small company so limited options. It was miserable working for this new manager who had pretty quickly rubbed everyone up the wrong way. Much of what you describe, micromanaged and undermined frequently. I was moved to a project with a fixed end date at my choice and I agreed that I would leave at the end of it. I had been at the company three years and was friendly and popular, but the fact that I was due to leave after the project slipped everyone by - most I think, didn't know and I kept my business to myself. On the last day I just walked out the door, with many people thinking they would see me again on Monday. My rotten manager was disliked by most there and this did not help her.

I had been looking for work and something fell into place a couple of weeks after leaving. I never looked back. I learnt a lot from the experience.

For now, I know it must be rotten but just stick it out as best you can while you look around for something else. Some good suggestions here on how to stand up to your manager in the meantime. Bullies don't like to be stood up to - always be firm, businesslike, super polite.

Fuck that! Not OPs problem.

To add to my previous comment, keep her at arms length the days she’s being ‘nice’, keep your home and personal life separate - don’t engage in any chit-chat about your personal life, be polite but distant and professional. This is the only advice I can offer. Just do your job to the best of your ability, be polite and professional and leave work at the door when you leave. Again, best of luck.

Sort of. My LM isn't cold, just an idiot. Although I speak from experience in the way of being at a company for over a decade, the LM I had in 2021 left and was replaced by said idiot. It was a case of "YorkshireGoldDrinker needs a manager and we're approaching you with the role." and they took it. It's not been easy, but I've done what's asked of me and no problems. There was one time they almost royally cocked up and nearly landed the company in a spat with HR, but quickly changed course once the managing director got involved (I assume it was them, there's virtually no transparency where I work).

My only advice here would be to be brave and stick out for as long as you can. Worse case is your manager ends up being the one that leaves.

I’ve been there before, not knowing whether you’re walking in to nice manager or horrible manager is a horrible horrible feeling. Unfortunately I can’t offer any advice - as you’re already doing as I did and getting the heck out of there. Good luck finding a new job quickly x

Have you tried📧
"If you have something to say to me please do it in private. I dont appreciate being spoken to like this in front of colleagues. Its not professional behaviour."

Cant say how many times Ive said something like this in a very terse "teacher" voice which comes naturally to me. I enjoy seeing their discomfiture and they tend to treat you with more respect when they see you will stand up for yourself. Always begin in a workplace as you mean to go on.

I would be so very surprised you were the only person on the receiving end of her mismanagement. HR might already be aware there are issues. Please have a chat with them.

Sounds like a manager I used to have. I ended up having panic attacks because of her. I left and a few years after, the company realised she was a bully and they fired her.

I'd leave op, maybe take some annual leave to rest and have that fire in your belly when you return knowing you're leaving.

Sounds like we worked for same person. I was lucky and she was moved elsewhere in the business but she destroyed my confidence while I was reporting to her. I see her occasionally now and she's always overly friendly. She has no idea how universally disliked she is.

I left my last role after 5 months because of micromanagement. I had expected it to take months, but my current job came up quickly and I got it. I did take a little pleasure in only having to give a week's notice as I was still on probation.

The new job is fewer hours, substantially more money, no on-call (plus I've just been promoted after 10 months,) and a far shorter commute, but I wouldn't have started looking if it hadn't been for the micromanagement, and I made that clear at my exit interview, because I've been in jobs before where eople said they were leaving because of a manager, but to HR, said it was because of money or promotion opportunities or something- so HR don't get to know that it's the manager who is really the issue and can't take action. In my case, I think the guy could be okay with some training and more experience, but I've seen others where the manager just shouldn't have been managing people.