Manager is making my life hell

Honestly, life's too short. Look elsewhere in the new year.

I literally walked out of my job a few months ago. I was in the office on my own so sent manager an email to say I was leaving, packed up my belongings and left. I’d had enough of being micromanaged and gaslit. Luckily I had a decent F off fund and a very supportive husband. I start my new job in January. After yet another issue they had with something I’d done (which wasn’t personal, he was like it with everyone), I just thought “I’m too old to put up with this shit” and left. I was the fifth or sixth person doing that role in about 4 years (as I learned after a while in the job) and they’d all left because of the manager. Good luck, OP, get out as soon as you can!

I have a manager who has a reputation of being awful... to the point that our department couldn't keep staff for a long time!

Is there anyone higher up that you can speak to? I did, and HR got involved. Although my manager did not get sacked (nobody else would stand up to him, and he denied everything), he now struggles to maintain the facade of pretending to be nice and reasonable. Sometimes the mask starts to slip, and a quick word with his new on-site manager does the trick.

It's easier if you also happen to befriend the colleagues that are also treated in the same way, even if it is just to plot the unlikely demise of your manager from hell!

OP, you shouldn't have to put up with this, but nor should the manager be allowed to inflict themselves and their bad behaviour on anyone else.

Can you give examples? Its hard to advise without knowing if its personality clash, perception of treatment or poor management? When she is saying you ate doing things wrong do you have evidence that you are not?
As a student teacher I was on placement with a teacher who made my life hell she berated me in front of students for teaching a concept incorrectly. After I asked how she would do it and showed examples I was following how she had done this concept from the childrens jotters she eventually apologised and while she didnt become pleasant she was more bearable to work with

Sadly, yes once and for far too long.

Agree with @SwirlyShirly and @SalmonOnFinnCrisp keep firm boundaries, pleasant but don't engage in chit chat or personal things. Be polite and professional at all times, do your job well but give nothing else, for them it's like power over you.

Keep notes. But honestly in my experience HR supports these people (management, owners, directors etc), especially long time employees. I never put a grievance in but I also saw what happened to people who did.

I stayed too long. I think the hot/cold makes it hard to truly see who someone is and act accordingly. So many studies show that the reason most people leave their roles is their manager. I think there needs to be far more accountability across organizations about how people are as managers, with more feedback given. Many people can be good at their jobs and truly terrible managers bordering on toxic.

Good luck!

Don’t raise a grievance.

Youve not been there long enough and so (until the govt change the law) you have very few employment rights.

you risk making things worse whilst not being protected

look for another job, document everything and then hand it over to HR once you’ve submitted your notice.

Leave and when youve got a reference then ask for a meeting with someone amd tell them then what she ia like...oncw you have left and are safe.

Document your concerns. Times, dates, specifics. Then, before raising a formal grievance, I would see if I could move to another team explaining your concerns. If all else fails, then raise a grievance.

Absolutely this. Ive often wondered if secretly recording stuff on your phone as proof could work but i dont know if thats ethical

I had this twice. First time I stuck because the hours were great around school but left the minute my daughter went to high school.
second time was a huge mistake to go work there, she was just awful. If I did something she’d tell me I was wrong, I did it her way then she’d tell me to do it the first way. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going most days and I was so down. Waking in the night, dreading Monday. I even had to copy her into every single email she sent it was so draining.

I did raise it and nothing was done. I left after a year and have been someone I see myself staying till I retire. My advise is leave as soon as you can, life is too short

You need to bring this up with HR or at the very least, call her on it when she is rude to you. This is bullying.

when my manager started she was wonderful,so nice to me.a year or so later someone new started she favourite them and turned nasty with me.then I was ignored all day everyday.i couldn’t stand the atmosphere anymore,it made me feel ill,at home i didn’t want to go to work and i dreaded Mondays and everyday.i left for the first job i was offered i loved my job and i am so resentful that she took all that from me.

I have had this as well with a few managers. One in particular matched yours - basically a bag of nerves and in the wrong job. Everything was wrong some days, clothes (smart professional) were criticised (she was not a particularly smart dresser herself). A weekly report got returned, printed out and with red all over it like it had been marked by a teacher. If you insisted on taking a lunch hour she would put a meeting over the top to make a point. She bullied behind closed doors so there was little come back on her.

She could also be chatty and nice on her terms. In the end it was just the cold shoulder 100%, the team did not perform, management noticed and she ended up been chucked out. Got better for a while then there was 3 (one of them was her favourite) of them in a clique. I went after that as I could see it was a lost cause.

How to cope? keep everything at arms length, document everything and do raise a grievance when you have sufficient evidence. Look for another job.

Another trick that worked for me - if she is ranting or carping or kvetching, just imagine her shrinking and shrinking until you could hold her in the palm of your hand, and watch her squeaking there. Bizarrely effective.

This is so hard. So many bad managers out there. I've had a few in my time. Try the grey rock method don't let her get to you, as tough as this is. What is she berating you in public for? If it's nothing, escalate it. Try Chatgpt for a good neutral response. This is gonna sound crazy but I also did a freezer spell on two bad managers. I wrote their name on a piece of paper, and things like leave me alone, don't bring your bad energy to me etc, folded it up, put it in a freezer bag, covered it in water, and froze it. Both times the manager left or moved to a different department. I believe it worked!

Not me, but I once had a friend who had a really awful manager, I don't know who gave her this advice, but it was to make notes as the manger was giving them shit. After a few times of the note taking, the manger asked what she was doing, she responded with just making notes of what you are saying, in case I need to refer to them in the future.
It definitely changed the dynamic somewhat, my friend still left but her time remaining was less volatile.

Sounds like she might be a narcissist? Look up the red flags online but it's the micro managing and getting a different version of her that makes me think that.
She is looking to get a reaction from you so don't give her any and try not to show when she is upsetting you. Mostly though keep looking for a new job as it won't change. Good luck x

If you are in a union wear your union lanyard like wearing a crucifix to ward off a vampire!

This is me now, but due to a restructure I've got 3 of them 😔 I've been there 20 years but am hoping to leave, there's not much opportunity at the moment but as soon as anything suitable comes up I'll be out

I have a similar situation. Nice sometimes, cold others. She uses my perimenopausal symptoms against me and I have to prove things that are in writing. Going to just match energy going forward. Thankfully mine is going on maternity very soon!

If HR won't be helpful and you can't move or change managers, a short term solution that worked well for me once was: look at the people the manager doesn't bully. Act (down to body language and turns of phrase) like them. Not ideal since it is not addressing root problems but it worked for me. Don't let it go on to long though.

Can you identify her triggers? Once you start treating her as a project, a problem for you to solve dispassionately, it takes out some of the sting.

People don't leave jobs they leave managers is something I've come to realise.
Keep records op and get yourself out of there.

Managers can be hell.

I just left a job partially because my manager was a bit like yours in that you didn’t know where you were with her one day from the next and when she started (I’d been there 3 years) she came in like a wrecking ball wanting to change my working pattern that’d been fine until then, she pissed everyone off and then was surprised when I handed in my notice. just shows no self-awareness on her part.

It was a small charity and one of the trustees dealt with a lot of complaints about her (inc from me), but another trustee loved her cos she sucked up to him. She was very nice to the people she wanted something from, basically.

I’m well rid, don’t miss it at all.

This.
Do it while you can.
Enail to yours and keep a diary.
Good note keepimg is priceless when you need it.
What you are describing is grievance worthy.
Note the names of everyone who witnesses her denigrating of you publicly.

The last thing I would do is raise a grievance. You want to leave so you're probably going to need a reference. In your shoes I'd be maintaining a working relationship and manage every day knowing that I'm off in the new year. It makes things easier.