Would this be rude?

I think most people were quite measured in their responses, and only looking to offer helpful alternatives that you may not have considered. I hope you are feeling better this morning.

Yes, it’s weird and you will come across as batshit, so the only way to deal with it is by saying:

”look, I’m about to come across as bat shit but I’ve got thingyphobia so there’s no way I’m eating anything from this place” laugh out loud about it, get in there first with all the jokes, then crack on and order from your own place, share it with others, and maybe they’ll like it more and order from there next time.

And how do you know if the takeaway makes it fresh or reheats? That may be the reason for the low rating.

To make the effort to eat food you don't want? Why would they expect someone to do that for them? Also 3 stars isn't good enough, so they should just deal with the reality. The family is very high maintenance if this is their viewpoint.

It is rude because it conveys to your hosts that their food/menu choices are not good enough for you. And that you are not prepared to make the effort for them.

If you/your partner do any of the extra faffing about and it doesn’t effect the cost of anyone else’s meal or when they can eat etc, why on earth would they care?! I’d definitely go down the veggie option/food intolerance route for reason why.

But perhaps ask your partner what they think? They will probably have a better idea of how their own family would interpret it.

Id like to think if it was me hosting, that any of my family could confidently tell their partner that it was absolutely fine and not to worry about it.

In future, I wouldn't worry and absolutely order from the place you're comfortable with. if you're picking up, there's no fuss or discussion on it needed with the group and you can do it quietly. Use the vegetarian options are reason if anyone asks - one quick comment and change the subject.
My children and i are coeliac so used to being the difficult ones :) We order separately from my family, definitely don't share due to cross contamination and noone minds a bit.
I sometimes bring our own homecooked "fakeaway" takeaway in foil tubs so the kids feel included in these nights. It's good fun, we stay healthy and noone blinks and eye at it. Very strange attitudes here - I've always had friends who have ordered where they were able to or due to preferred choices, e.g. vegan, no msg, prefers pizza, nut allergies, etc. Takeaways are expensive and it's meant to be a fun night for everyone. Relax, explain quickly with a smile, move on and enjoy your night :)

When you post on AIBU, you are asking for perspectives. They aren’t all going to agree with your own.

I think it would be rude! I’d discuss with your partner and get him to steer them to the other Chinese restaurant.

I was wondering why your boyfriend isn’t stepping up but then saw you haven’t spoken to him about it.

All this can easily be solved by him talking to his parents. If he knows you’re in therapy and also just really stressing, surely he’d just have a quiet word with them and ask if they mind if you order from elsewhere? They’d accept it better coming from him as they already know and love him and will know he’s being sweet by trying to help you. If you just turn up and say you’re ordering from somewhere else that would look very rude and the focus would be on you being difficult.

What I definitely wouldn’t do is pretend everything is fine. If this is their favourite takeaway to the point that they consider it worthy of hosting with for a first meet, then this takeaway is going to feature heavily in your life from now on. Get the issue resolved from the off.

It's not rude. I wouldn't eat from somewhere with a 3 star hygiene rating either and I've told friends that when we've been looking for somewhere to order from.

It would be far ruder to invite someone over for a meal and not make any effort to accommodate their dietary requirements.

I hope you managed to resolve this OP. It’s a takeaway so I wouldn’t care at all if you bought some dishes from a rival takeaway/the chippy/the co-op. It’s not like ordering an uber eats to your restaurant table.

I think ordering from a secondplace is a faff so instead i would ask DH to message ahead and say "yes we'd love to come thanks. However wife/partner will be bringing her own food, she's having a few dietary issues and doesn't want to enforce them on everyone else"

Then arrive with your own food.

I literally would not care one iota whether you wanted food from a different place. Find it very peculiar people would find it “rude”. What’s rude about it?

Of course it’s not rude! People order takeaway from where they like the food.

Just because you are worried about the food hygiene rating it doesn’t make you rude.

If you had an allergy to the oil they used in that particular take away you wouldn’t order from there! (Our local chippy tells the oil they use can cause allergies for some)

Posters saying you are weird with food don’t have a clue. Emetophobia isn’t about being weird with food!

This is clearly not something a couple of sessions of therapy will resolve quickly. As such - just tell them you have this illness. They’ll will judge you but at least it’s out there. If this is a longer term relationship just rip the band aid off so they know you’re weird with food now otherwise you’ll go through this drama everytime you see them.

Have they ever been poorly from a bad Chinese there ?

make sure bf tells them you are a veggie so you will order a dish or two you like - has he told them about your issues with food ?

as someone above said you can’t really go wrong with veggie stuff and more the chicken/meat and possible rice dishes but if made fresh and not reheated I can’t see how will make you ill

Those dishes are not necessarily vegetarian as many chinese takeaways use hidden meat and/or fish ingredients such as pork fat and oyster sauce. Maybe the family are being thoughtless for not choosing a place that has reliable, guaranteed vegetarian food.

So what happened in the end?

I would have just mentioned it to my partner and would have asked them to explain to the family that you have more choice at the other takeaway and would like to order from there. I would have let them judge whether they suggested everyone ordered from there or not.
I think you have to ignore the reviews and hygiene issue for a moment as if this is the usual takeaway choice of everyone else they would be more likely to say but we have never had any problems when eating there, and then see that you were making a fuss. Also remember reviews generally are written by people who have had a bad experience. Does the hygiene rating mention the specific areas as often it is paperwork that lets businesses down.

Wow I’m surprised by these responses.

Im sure the same commenters would think your crazy if you went along with it all and made your self mentally ill worrying for the following days - they would probably all be questioning why you didn’t eat something different if you new you felt this way to begin with - some people just like a bit of harsh criticism me thinks.

I would let people no my plan so they had the option of ordering from there too and had the choice but it literally effects no one else and will in turn allow you to enjoy the evening, so what if they wunna refer to you as ‘that GF’ as some have suggested- if they want to judge you from one Chinese then that says more about them then you!

if its on the same road & you’re collecting just get your own thing & put it in the other takeaways bag 😂 can’t imagine why anyone would think it’s rude. When my parents come to visit, the majority all love Thai but my dad can’t find anything he would like to eat so he just goes to the local Chinese. He usually pops out for it himself while my husband goes in the opposite direction for Thai but then we all sit & enjoy our food at the table together. Why on earth would it be an issue if you’re collecting it yourself & not inconveniencing anyone & everyone at the table gets to eat exactly what they want 🤷‍♀️ I don’t understand why anyone would be offended, people are weird 😂😂