Page 3 | Would this be rude?

Christmas20 · 2025-12-06T10:48:23+00:00

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them. They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues. Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix. Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews. I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

Original poster

Christmas20 · 08/12/2025 08:55

I think this will be my last post because I feel like some of the more antagonistic posters are trying to take the thread in a different direction and just trying to get a kick out of it 🫣

To summarise - after reading everyone’s comments;

I have emetophobia because I was in an extremely abusive relationship (which almost killed me) in my early 20’s. I came down with severe norovirus on his birthday one year and “ruined the day” for him which lead to me being abused and threatened. It made me absolutely petrified of becoming unwell again in fear of getting the same reaction which has then caused issues around food as a result. I am in therapy but the abuse was chronic, unfortunately it’s not that easy for your brain to just switch that off and be normal again.

After reading this thread - in future, I am going to order exactly what I want and from where I want and if any of them have an issue with that, think I’m difficult or a PITA (as some people on this thread have said) then so be it because if that’s the case, maybe I don’t want to socialise with people like that anyway 🤷‍♀️ I shouldn’t have to starve myself, eat beforehand or push chips around a plate to make everyone else feel comfortable and make myself small on purpose to fit in.

As before, thank you for the lovely people on this thread who have been supportive and offered really helpful advice, it’s made me feel a lot more confident about making decisions for myself going forward 💐

OP posts:

dcthatsme · 08/12/2025 08:21

Yes it would be rude and odd. I'd just eat plain rice and some vegetables. Or if you're really worried just rice. Or you could eat before you go and play with a few morsels on your plate. You'll be fine. It's always dodgy meat that causes food poisoning..

Timeforabitofpeace · 08/12/2025 08:16

It isn’t that rude.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 08/12/2025 07:56

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 06:09

No. I’m saying social etiquette is weird. Don’t put words into my mouth.

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But the thing is, your family are the ones being weird here. The core element of social etiquette is not to make others uncomfortable. Even the Queen would misuse her cutlery if she saw a guest using the wrong fork, to make sure they didn't feel embarrassed.

And if the power dynamics in your family are as weird as they are, why would any outside stranger objectively want to submit to them?

You're not wrong that it can make things a difficult. But my friend is a "troublesome SIL" in a family like yours, and if even a tenth of the stuff she tells us about them is true, I don't know why she bothers with the lot of them!

ADHDDoomScroller · 08/12/2025 07:39

Vegan here, so very used to the lack of options. I usually order a portion of chips. If the hygiene rating is bad and you are worried, do not order any rice. Rice and gravy are the 2 most common sources of food poisoning from takeaways!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/12/2025 07:21

Christmas20 · 06/12/2025 11:06

I haven’t mentioned it yet so I don’t know, my partner is usually quite supportive though and knows how I feel about food and stuff, so I imagine they would be supportive about it regardless of how their family felt about it. The other place is quite expensive, so I wouldn’t want them all to switch to that takeaway just on my account. We are collecting the food and the places are on the same road so it wouldn’t be too much of an issue

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If you're picking both up at. Same time-Would they even realise though on a busy night, unless it was pizza of course? !

If they said anything - I'd keep.to the line there was better veggie choice-and keep it very low level /no hassle.

However, I would take your Oh into your confidence.

Does he know re the emetophobia? I'd conceptualise it as being you won't be able to relax and enjoy the evening, if you think there is any chance of (potential) food poisoning - all of this is so usual in folk with emetophobia.

People saying eat the rice/veg/whatever from the Chinese aren't really understanding how all encompassing emetophobia is!

Good luck with the therapy ! @Christmas20

LemonDrizzleKay · 08/12/2025 06:32

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 21:23

Your family need to chill TF out. Why do you think someone should sideline their own comfort and preferences for your arbitrary rules? Same question to everyone else who thinks this absolute non-event is rude. This thread is a good reminder though to keep prioritising myself first, as it’s funny how much some people find offence in the most innocuous of things.

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I agree. Families like that sound so horrible. I would hate to have to socialise with people like that. Who cares what someone eats or even if they are a “fussy eater” which Op is not. Live and let live.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 06:13

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 23:11

@Lotsnlotsoflove Your family, eek. Power dynamics, sil not playing their silly games (👏🏻👏🏻). Maybe you are too far into it not to see that sounds totally unhealthy. Well done to sil, sensible woman.

Power dynamics is my term. It’s got nothing to di with my specific family. I’m saying in every social situation there are power dynamics/status dynamics/interpersonal weirdnesses at play and any outsider coming in would do well to be mindful of them. It’s why for example if you are in a stranger’s home you say ‘do you mind if I use the toilet’ and don’t just steam in and do so - you are acknowledging that your status as ‘guest’ means you don’t have the run of the house.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 06:09

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 01:25

So what you’re saying is, your family centre their own needs at all times with no regard for newcomers? Some people might consider that…rude.

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No. I’m saying social etiquette is weird. Don’t put words into my mouth.

PeppyRoseBeaker · 08/12/2025 05:44

😏rude

PeppyRoseBeaker · 08/12/2025 05:43

😏rude

youegg · 08/12/2025 05:37

I don’t think it’s rude at all. We have group takeaway nights where we agree on e.g Thai and someone in the group fancies something different (veggie, pregnant, had Thai yesterday etc) so just grabs it themselves.
I couldn’t care less.
Not sure why it would be rude if you just sort yourself out.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 08/12/2025 04:50

OneBookTooMany · 07/12/2025 22:57

Hi @MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

I see you've spent the evening passing remarks towards posters, including me, who wouldn't eat at a dirty place.

Obviously, your food hygiene standards are pretty low but, if you would be so kind as to let give you a small, but rather personal, piece of advice:

Have you ever wondered why you are a Purple Turtle?

I ask because that's not a normal colour for turtles, you know and it might be linked to your indiscriminate eating of any old shite.

Follow my advice: don't eat food that fails basic hygiene and you might find your self restored to the colour you should be, a lovely shade of green or gray.

Alas for humans, turning green or gray is not desirable but could be achieved after eating at a below par food establishment. That is why we avoid them, that and a case of the squits of course.

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'Myrtle the Turtle' was taken. 'Purple' has a nice semi rhyme. Meanwhile, "germ and faeces packed meal" has to win the award for peak Mumsnet OTT on this thread. As I said, even the OP, with her acknowledged MH conditions, doesn't go that far

anon4net · 08/12/2025 04:20

That wouldn't bother me at all if a guest did that. I'd likely ask if the choice of restaurant had enough veggie options in the first place but if I forgot I'd never take issue with a guest doing that. I'd rather they have what they need and are comfortable with what they are eating.

TheDogAteTheElf · 08/12/2025 04:07

I don’t think it would be rude at all. As long as everyone gets to eat something they want, I wouldn’t care. It’s not like you’re trying to make them eat something they don’t want from somewhere else. It would be a non issue here.

Blueytwo · 08/12/2025 03:56

Go. eat in advance. order veggie. eat very slowly. focus on the company and be interested in the people. eat almost nothing.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 01:25

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 00:43

Sure. My experience is that most people would consider it rude for an outsider to come into a group and centre their own needs rather than just politely accommodating the status quo. But maybe OP’s in-laws are different.

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So what you’re saying is, your family centre their own needs at all times with no regard for newcomers? Some people might consider that…rude.

ProfessorBinturong · 08/12/2025 01:09

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 23:10

I’m not suggesting my family is unusual. In fact I haven’t even given any examples so I am not sure how you got to your scathing conclusion.

I am saying in every single social situation there are power dynamics at play. Whether it’s a nice welcoming family Sunday roast or a corporate works dinner.

These dynamics are not necessarily overt, but they are there. Part of adjusting to a new social group is figuring out the rules and dynamics at play - whether you split the bill evenly or pay for what you had, if it’s ok to help yourself to tea and coffee at a particular friends’ house, who buys a round first and whether everyone has to be ‘evens’ by the end of the night, who has what at the takeaway and how you share the food. Being welcomed into any social group is about how you fit in with existing norms and how your own personality adjusts the dynamics already in existence. No one can expect to steam in and have their needs met by strangers in the first instance. That’s mostly not how things go (tho maybe in some social groupings it is!).

People on this thread telling OP she may well come across as rude is just a reflection of the reality that it is generally considered rude to go into a social situation where you are an outsider and make demands that set expectations around the centrality of your needs above the established way of things in that social group.

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But I am suggesting it is unusual. Most people think of a meal in terms of making everyone happy, included and comfortable - not as a power struggle.

And the OP is not centring her needs above everyone else's, she's merely not setting them aside. What she's suggesting doesn't inconvenience anyone else, it takes nothing away from them. She's making no demands on their time, their money, or their preferences. They can eat what they like, from the place of their choosing, and she's simply bringing an additional item at her own cost.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 00:43

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 23:49

But without knowing those family dynamics, you can’t, with all certainty, know that they would consider it rude.

What may be rude to you, may not be to others

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Sure. My experience is that most people would consider it rude for an outsider to come into a group and centre their own needs rather than just politely accommodating the status quo. But maybe OP’s in-laws are different.

browneyes77 · 07/12/2025 23:49

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 22:30

It doesn’t impact them at all and there is no real reason they should care - but as you know social etiquette is not necessarily rational. There are power dynamics and weird family dynamics and so on at play, which OP may not care to engage in, but which will impact how others see her for years to come. In every family scenario I have been in whether that’s my own, a friend’s or a partners’ it would be considered the height of rudeness to declare the takeaway the family are using is not for you and you are ordering from elsewhere. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, just how it is.

I actually have a SiL who completely refuses to engage in our family power dynamics and doesn’t ever do something she doesn’t want to do for the sake of peace. She would definitely order her own takeaway if she didn’t like what we were having. However, she has been in our family 15 years and it took a while before everyone realised she really didn’t give a shit what we thought of her and was going to meet her own needs first. I admire her, but it’s not easy when all the family are together and more often than not she now doesn’t come/doesn’t stay for long if she does come. So it has affected my sibling’s relationship with the family to some degree.

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But without knowing those family dynamics, you can’t, with all certainty, know that they would consider it rude.

What may be rude to you, may not be to others

Mountainoftangledlights · 07/12/2025 23:36

I personally wouldn’t have an issue with someone wanting an alternative takeaway. Next time if it’s you and husband picking up takeaway (unless I’ve misunderstood), do you even have to say anything - who would know?

Newpensioner · 07/12/2025 23:26

MissyMooPoo2 · 06/12/2025 11:07

You’re jumping down people’s throats just on this thread. Don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want them.

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This is the weirdest set of responses. OP you are grand. You are absolutely entitled to order what you want from wherever you want. I am not sure why you are getting such a hard time.

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 23:13

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 23:10

I’m not suggesting my family is unusual. In fact I haven’t even given any examples so I am not sure how you got to your scathing conclusion.

I am saying in every single social situation there are power dynamics at play. Whether it’s a nice welcoming family Sunday roast or a corporate works dinner.

These dynamics are not necessarily overt, but they are there. Part of adjusting to a new social group is figuring out the rules and dynamics at play - whether you split the bill evenly or pay for what you had, if it’s ok to help yourself to tea and coffee at a particular friends’ house, who buys a round first and whether everyone has to be ‘evens’ by the end of the night, who has what at the takeaway and how you share the food. Being welcomed into any social group is about how you fit in with existing norms and how your own personality adjusts the dynamics already in existence. No one can expect to steam in and have their needs met by strangers in the first instance. That’s mostly not how things go (tho maybe in some social groupings it is!).

People on this thread telling OP she may well come across as rude is just a reflection of the reality that it is generally considered rude to go into a social situation where you are an outsider and make demands that set expectations around the centrality of your needs above the established way of things in that social group.

Show quote history

Or you could all just chill, it’s just a Chinese takeaway for Pete’s sake.

In our family the rice is shared and starter but we all choose our own main.

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 23:11

@Lotsnlotsoflove Your family, eek. Power dynamics, sil not playing their silly games (👏🏻👏🏻). Maybe you are too far into it not to see that sounds totally unhealthy. Well done to sil, sensible woman.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 07/12/2025 23:10

ProfessorBinturong · 07/12/2025 22:59

Your family sounds absolutely barking. Power dynamics? It's a meal, not the Soviet Central Committee. Taking 15 years to realise someone's not playing your stupid games? Your SiL is the only sensible one in this scenario.

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I’m not suggesting my family is unusual. In fact I haven’t even given any examples so I am not sure how you got to your scathing conclusion.

I am saying in every single social situation there are power dynamics at play. Whether it’s a nice welcoming family Sunday roast or a corporate works dinner.

These dynamics are not necessarily overt, but they are there. Part of adjusting to a new social group is figuring out the rules and dynamics at play - whether you split the bill evenly or pay for what you had, if it’s ok to help yourself to tea and coffee at a particular friends’ house, who buys a round first and whether everyone has to be ‘evens’ by the end of the night, who has what at the takeaway and how you share the food. Being welcomed into any social group is about how you fit in with existing norms and how your own personality adjusts the dynamics already in existence. No one can expect to steam in and have their needs met by strangers in the first instance. That’s mostly not how things go (tho maybe in some social groupings it is!).

People on this thread telling OP she may well come across as rude is just a reflection of the reality that it is generally considered rude to go into a social situation where you are an outsider and make demands that set expectations around the centrality of your needs above the established way of things in that social group.