Page 2 | Would this be rude?

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 14:18

MrsJeanLuc · 08/12/2025 14:00

This.

I can't understand why there are so many people on here saying it would be rude to order separately, or even bring her own dish with her.
It's a shared meal - not some sort of endurance test ffs.

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We’re a chill and relaxed house. My kids have always felt comfortable having their friends here and their gf’s were made to feel welcome from their first visit. Yes we were the ‘fun’ house for their friends growing up. 😁 I can’t relate at all to the all social uptightness on this thread.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/12/2025 14:00

Retro12 · 08/12/2025 13:50

Very rude... There would be a lot of options for a veggie, if you're really scared of eating from a 3 star place, chips and a curry sauce would keep you included.

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But she would still be included. She'd still be socialising with them and eating, just not from the same takeaway. Why is that such a big deal to be deemed rude?

MrsJeanLuc · 08/12/2025 14:00

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 10:08

Well done! The posters on here telling you it’s rude and to do this, that and the other to make others comfortable at your expense are just projecting their own strange attitudes towards people’s differing food needs.

The host’s job is to make their guest comfortable, not the other way round. As long as everyone is being civilised and polite then different eating preferences are a non-event. I would not dream of making a guest uncomfortable because their eating preferences differed from mine.

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This.

I can't understand why there are so many people on here saying it would be rude to order separately, or even bring her own dish with her.
It's a shared meal - not some sort of endurance test ffs.

Retro12 · 08/12/2025 13:50

Christmas20 · 06/12/2025 10:48

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

Very rude... There would be a lot of options for a veggie, if you're really scared of eating from a 3 star place, chips and a curry sauce would keep you included.

Thistlewoman · 08/12/2025 13:45

Christmas20 · 06/12/2025 10:48

I am going to a family takeaway night tonight with my partner’s family. It’s my first one with them.

They want to order Chinese, which is fine for me because I do eat Chinese food, but I have a couple of issues.

Firstly, I am vegetarian and the place they want to order from doesn’t have a great deal of options for me to choose from. Secondly - and of course I would never voice this to them or make a scene out of it - I have quite bad emetophobia and because of that, I am quite fussy about where I eat from and checking food hygiene ratings etc. The place they want to eat from has a 3 rating and quite a lot of bad reviews about the food being off. I would be panicking the whole time whilst eating and for the next couple of days that the food was going to make me unwell because of this. I am in therapy for this issue but it’s not a quick magical fix.

Would it be rude for me to order my own food (and pay for my own food of course!) from a different place up the road that firstly, has a lot more vegetarian options and secondly, a 5 hygiene rating and excellent 5 star reviews.

I would obviously use the reasoning of there being more options for me to choose from because of being a vegetarian.

YANBU.
The thought of ordering food I don't like (limited choice) from a place with questionable hygiene is pretty horrendous to my mind too. As this is the first time you've done 'takeaway night' however I'd be tempted to go along with it, order very little, and eat pretty much nothing. (Eat before you join them). If 'takeaway night' happens again you can then do what you said-explain that there is a better selection of veggie food at the takeaway of your choice and order yourself from there. They'll have seen that you gave their takeaway a go and it didn't work for you. It's unfortunate if they take offence at that, but tbh going forward.. your stomach, your rules.

ladyamy · 08/12/2025 13:37

TheThingsYouDoForLurve · 06/12/2025 11:01

@HelloCheekyCat GF is different. The OP’s suggestion casts aspersions on the hosts choices.

Yup. Vegetarianism is a choice, and I say this as someone who is a vegetarian.

BlabbedyBlah · 08/12/2025 13:36

@Christmas20 I don't know if you are still reading this thread and I wouldn't blame you if you aren't.
My ex used to have similar phobias and my family did think they were a PITA but this was largely because of how ex behaved in the situation. Ex would get stressed, stamp feet, want to cancel / never agree to go to family things, blame it all on me and put me in the middle of it to make excuses for their behaviour. My family thought Ex behaved like an absolute brat and naturally assumed ex did not like them.
It sounds to me like you provided a good alternative which did not cause anyone any bother, you planned to discuss it with your partner beforehand and you were prepared to communicate with the family yourself re: vegetarian options etc. If they think you are a PITA under those circumstances, it is about them and not you.
Also, I commend you on facing your issues and embarking on / sticking with therapy. Again, something that my Ex would not consider. I'm very sorry to hear that you suffered such abuse in the past and it is good that you have escaped that situation and re-built your life.

ladyamy · 08/12/2025 13:35

Yes, it would be rude. I’m also vegetarian but when I’m invited to a restaurant or getting a takeaway at someone else’s house who I don’t yet know that well, I ‘suck it up’ and order chips or veg spring rolls, etc.

SillyBry · 08/12/2025 13:02

Honestly, I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Get your partner to pick up the takeaway - and order what you want from the other place. Perhaps get him to let them know in advance that you have some dietary issues/flareups - and you've got some "safe"/eaten before dishes, so you'll just have those and then you don't have to worry.

I wouldn't be remotely offended - it's all about eating together. Not eating the same food.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2025 12:57

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 12:13

I don’t have food issues but I wouldn’t want to order off a 3* takeaway. My two local Chinese takeaways both rate 5.

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Me neither!

Newsenmum · 08/12/2025 12:57

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 21:51

I’m genuinely shocked at the people pleasing shite on here. Who is so emotionally invested in everyone ordering from the same takeaway, it’s barmy.

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It’s completely ridiculous, and also if she wants to be a long-term partner and a member of their family, surely they should get to know the fact that she’s vegetarian and and has a phobia of vomit. If they’re nice people, they really won’t care.

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 12:13

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 10:47

Sure. You can hang out with only people you feel comfortable with — but if you are ever in a situation like meeting a partner's family, where you try to control everything because they can't centre your own trauma, you might find yourself disliked. Fair enough if you don't care. OP clearly does (as an aside, I think OP should have worked through her issues before getting into another serious romantic relationship, because this extreme trauma is going to cause issues in the new relationship - it already is because she can't just normally engage with a family takeaway — and I say this as someone who has been in a very abusive relationship and seen the impact on new partners. It's not fair to bring unresolved issues into a new partnership).

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I don’t have food issues but I wouldn’t want to order off a 3* takeaway. My two local Chinese takeaways both rate 5.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/12/2025 11:42

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 10:47

Sure. You can hang out with only people you feel comfortable with — but if you are ever in a situation like meeting a partner's family, where you try to control everything because they can't centre your own trauma, you might find yourself disliked. Fair enough if you don't care. OP clearly does (as an aside, I think OP should have worked through her issues before getting into another serious romantic relationship, because this extreme trauma is going to cause issues in the new relationship - it already is because she can't just normally engage with a family takeaway — and I say this as someone who has been in a very abusive relationship and seen the impact on new partners. It's not fair to bring unresolved issues into a new partnership).

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Surely the controlling people are those who would think someone else is rude if they don't eat the exact takeaway they demand and would rather that person go hungry or push around rice on a plate to please them instead?

MissyMooPoo2 · 08/12/2025 11:41

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 10:47

Sure. You can hang out with only people you feel comfortable with — but if you are ever in a situation like meeting a partner's family, where you try to control everything because they can't centre your own trauma, you might find yourself disliked. Fair enough if you don't care. OP clearly does (as an aside, I think OP should have worked through her issues before getting into another serious romantic relationship, because this extreme trauma is going to cause issues in the new relationship - it already is because she can't just normally engage with a family takeaway — and I say this as someone who has been in a very abusive relationship and seen the impact on new partners. It's not fair to bring unresolved issues into a new partnership).

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I think this hits the nail on the head. We've all been discussing the rights and wrongs of the takeaway options as though that was the pressing issue here. It's emerged (through drip feeding) that the OP has a significant unresolved trauma that needs to be addressed outside MN.

In the end, OP didn't even attend the family meal.

This is no longer a post about family dynamics, vegetarianism, stomach sensitivities, or phobias. It's about unresolved abuse, so very few of the previous comments are actually valid or appropriate in this newly enlightened context.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 11:01

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 10:47

Sure. You can hang out with only people you feel comfortable with — but if you are ever in a situation like meeting a partner's family, where you try to control everything because they can't centre your own trauma, you might find yourself disliked. Fair enough if you don't care. OP clearly does (as an aside, I think OP should have worked through her issues before getting into another serious romantic relationship, because this extreme trauma is going to cause issues in the new relationship - it already is because she can't just normally engage with a family takeaway — and I say this as someone who has been in a very abusive relationship and seen the impact on new partners. It's not fair to bring unresolved issues into a new partnership).

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Fair enough if you don’t care

I don’t care.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 10:47

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 09:12

All the more reason to take no notice of “social etiquette” (which this isn’t) then

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Sure. You can hang out with only people you feel comfortable with — but if you are ever in a situation like meeting a partner's family, where you try to control everything because they can't centre your own trauma, you might find yourself disliked. Fair enough if you don't care. OP clearly does (as an aside, I think OP should have worked through her issues before getting into another serious romantic relationship, because this extreme trauma is going to cause issues in the new relationship - it already is because she can't just normally engage with a family takeaway — and I say this as someone who has been in a very abusive relationship and seen the impact on new partners. It's not fair to bring unresolved issues into a new partnership).

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 10:08

Christmas20 · 08/12/2025 08:55

I think this will be my last post because I feel like some of the more antagonistic posters are trying to take the thread in a different direction and just trying to get a kick out of it 🫣

To summarise - after reading everyone’s comments;

I have emetophobia because I was in an extremely abusive relationship (which almost killed me) in my early 20’s. I came down with severe norovirus on his birthday one year and “ruined the day” for him which lead to me being abused and threatened. It made me absolutely petrified of becoming unwell again in fear of getting the same reaction which has then caused issues around food as a result. I am in therapy but the abuse was chronic, unfortunately it’s not that easy for your brain to just switch that off and be normal again.

After reading this thread - in future, I am going to order exactly what I want and from where I want and if any of them have an issue with that, think I’m difficult or a PITA (as some people on this thread have said) then so be it because if that’s the case, maybe I don’t want to socialise with people like that anyway 🤷‍♀️ I shouldn’t have to starve myself, eat beforehand or push chips around a plate to make everyone else feel comfortable and make myself small on purpose to fit in.

As before, thank you for the lovely people on this thread who have been supportive and offered really helpful advice, it’s made me feel a lot more confident about making decisions for myself going forward 💐

Edited

Well done! The posters on here telling you it’s rude and to do this, that and the other to make others comfortable at your expense are just projecting their own strange attitudes towards people’s differing food needs.

The host’s job is to make their guest comfortable, not the other way round. As long as everyone is being civilised and polite then different eating preferences are a non-event. I would not dream of making a guest uncomfortable because their eating preferences differed from mine.

dcthatsme · 08/12/2025 10:06

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 10:02

Could you elaborate on why you think it’s rude?

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To be honest I had no idea about the back story to this. The OP has a really serious reason for her decision which I didn't know about. I don't think OP is rude and take that back in the circumstances. If there's a really serious reason why someone can't join a family with their eating then that's fair enough. As someone who was brought up to eat food they don't like much and who has a lot of picky people in my family that demand special catering (more work for me) I was probably projecting that. I didn't realise what the OP had been through and I think she's made a great decision.

Sweetiedarling7 · 08/12/2025 10:05

AwfullyGood · 06/12/2025 10:55

Yes, it would be very rude.

I think it would be rude to think this was rude so it’s all subjective.

dcthatsme · 08/12/2025 10:02

Sounds like a good plan OP. Good for you for making this decision. I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I hope you have a lovely evening.

BunnyLake · 08/12/2025 10:02

dcthatsme · 08/12/2025 08:21

Yes it would be rude and odd. I'd just eat plain rice and some vegetables. Or if you're really worried just rice. Or you could eat before you go and play with a few morsels on your plate. You'll be fine. It's always dodgy meat that causes food poisoning..

Could you elaborate on why you think it’s rude?

WhatMyNameis · 08/12/2025 09:52

Just eat before you go and have a couple of spoonfuls of rice, no one’ll notice!

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 09:15

Christmas20 · 08/12/2025 08:55

I think this will be my last post because I feel like some of the more antagonistic posters are trying to take the thread in a different direction and just trying to get a kick out of it 🫣

To summarise - after reading everyone’s comments;

I have emetophobia because I was in an extremely abusive relationship (which almost killed me) in my early 20’s. I came down with severe norovirus on his birthday one year and “ruined the day” for him which lead to me being abused and threatened. It made me absolutely petrified of becoming unwell again in fear of getting the same reaction which has then caused issues around food as a result. I am in therapy but the abuse was chronic, unfortunately it’s not that easy for your brain to just switch that off and be normal again.

After reading this thread - in future, I am going to order exactly what I want and from where I want and if any of them have an issue with that, think I’m difficult or a PITA (as some people on this thread have said) then so be it because if that’s the case, maybe I don’t want to socialise with people like that anyway 🤷‍♀️ I shouldn’t have to starve myself, eat beforehand or push chips around a plate to make everyone else feel comfortable and make myself small on purpose to fit in.

As before, thank you for the lovely people on this thread who have been supportive and offered really helpful advice, it’s made me feel a lot more confident about making decisions for myself going forward 💐

Edited

You don’t have to explain yourself. It doesn’t matter what your reasoning is (and I’m sorry to hear what you went through). Even if you wanted to order something different for no reason at all other than fancying different food, THAT IS FINE! You absolutely should think about your needs and comfort first, in most if not all situations. And as you said, anyone who doesn’t like that isn’t worth your time.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 08/12/2025 09:12

Lotsnlotsoflove · 08/12/2025 06:09

No. I’m saying social etiquette is weird. Don’t put words into my mouth.

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All the more reason to take no notice of “social etiquette” (which this isn’t) then

ContentedAlpaca · 08/12/2025 09:06

Op you shouldn't have to explain yourself.

I think this thread is split about 60/40 between people who think your plan is absolutely fine - and we and our wider family would want a guest to feel comfortable.
The others think it was rude and either would judge, or would fear being judged and would resort to extreme people pleasing ( and some really quite strange solutions) for something that they are imagining a host would have a problem with, but they can't know that.

Personally, I would think someone who ordered a few bean sprouts and pushed them around their plate, or said they had eaten earlier and didn't join in with the meal that had been a few days in the planning was odd a little quirky.

As a host I would also be concerned for someone's comfort if they feigned being ill, so would rather it was genuine. I would be concerned about their food and everyone feasting in front of them if they weren't eating and would be racking my brain for an alternative from the kitchen. So some of the approaches that have been suggested here would be far more stressful to me as a host than someone simply ordering what they want.