Would this be rude?

I would normally be a bit impatient about fussy eating but Chinese food can be particularly unpredictable. I've ordered for a vegetarian first whose rice had bits of meat in and for my vegan son whose meal had bits of egg in. I thought I'd made it very clear but something was lost in translation. On another occasion I ordered for a gluten free guest and they seemed to think I was asking for "free" food and gave us an extra 2 dishes free, which was nice, but she didn't dare eat any of it. So I think you've got good reason to decline.

Ordering your own takeaway is a bit off though, unless the host suggests. Eat before you go?

This is not about attributing blame or fault, which the OP has not done. She’s looking for a solution. Personally, I think a hygiene rating of 3 is not a place I’d want to eat from.

OP, it’s only one meal and you can eat both before and after the visit. You don’t need a feast just a few items to eat to pass the time. And if that is just plain rice and some stir fried veg, then so be it.

How could you possibly know how many serving spoons they have?!

Do they live locally? I would make out some sort of delay and say I will pick my food up along the way. 'Go ahead order and start, I'll sort out mine'. Apologise profusely when you get there with your steaming hot take away - get a couple of generic vegetarian dishes for the table.

I wouldn't care at all op. People on here are very anti 'fussy eaters'. It's barely an inconvenience to get a meal from a takeaway on the same street.

No it’s not rude and even if it was, you’re setting your stall out for future ‘food interactions’ where they need to respect your preferences. I’m veggie and very particular about take away food. And that’s without any of the other issues. Be bold and own your space op, if they react like dicks then at least you’ve learned something about them.

Firstly

Your DP needs to text the host a reminder that you’re vegetarian and to ensure veggie dishes are ordered.

This means you don’t have to mention it on your arrival as a reminder at all.

Eat before you go just in case not enough veggie dishes are ordered.

Have a lovely time

I'd mention it to your DP, using more the limited choice reason.

If you were coming to my house the very fact that you'd be sat there uncomfortable eating a meal that you didn’t really want/enjoy would be enough for me to understand why you'd like to do as you're suggesting.

I would dip out of this thread op and talk to your boyfriend and his family. People are taking umbridge just because they can and coming up with silly what-ifs. I imagine the family are way more chill than any of the uptight replies here. I personally wouldn't have a problem with you ordering elsewhere especially seen as you're a vegetarian and it's on the same road. Better to communicate in real life than second guess yourself on aibu.

People are weird. I would much much much rather you felt comfortable and would be perfectly fine with you saying “there aren’t many vegetarian options so I’ll order from somewhere different”.

If the stomach issues you have are a bit delicate (like you don’t want to discuss them in front of everyone) have your partner mention it to his parents “she’s got a bit of a sensitive stomach so some things don’t really agree with her so it’s better if she orders from the other place”.

A bit different but I’m coeliac and DH’s family orders from a specific place on Boxing Day, it’s like a family tradition. The restaurant claims to do gluten free but I’ve had a reaction from there before and just don't want to risk it - especially at someone else's house! If we’re there for Boxing Day, they buy me a gf alternative (some sort of oven pizza or ready meal thing) that can be heated up in the oven for me to have (obviously I offer to get this myself but they turn that down).

Maybe it’s because I’m used to being a bit difficult with food (because coeliac can be hard to cater for so I’ll often offer to bring something myself for me to eat) but I would never think anything negative about someone choosing to eat something different.

Yes it would be rude. Just request a vegetarian dish.

Most food in restaurants is cooked in far more hygienic conditions than a domestic kitchen! Even the lower ratings have higher standards than home cooking. higher

OP, if you are in therapy, then you know that you have a problem - it would be rude to impose this on other people.
I'm sure you know that the vast majority of us never check food hygiene ratings - it would never cross my mind - so this would be a great position for you to work towards.
Just have a sandwich before you go out to their house, and then you can simply eat rice and veggie spring rolls when the takeaway arrives.
Be super-polite and grateful at all times.

I am not a fan of Chinese food and I also have gastritis that can flare.

In a hosting situation I'll happily join in the Chinese takeaway pot luck, and avoid the trigger foods but enjoy some chips, rice and prawn crackers. No one cares. It's a communal thing and to make a fuss is just painful for everyone.

You will find something OP. A portion of chips won't make you sick.

Eat beforehand and then order something you can pick at. Perhaps take something for pudding.

It’s a social occasion with your partner’s family, so the food doesn’t really matter, imo. You don’t have to eat very much of it.

You just have to suck it up and not make other people feel awkward around you who have kindly invited you over

It’s one meal.

The issue is they are ordering from a place that has a three rating. And to be fair, I would not eat from such a place. A three rating is quite grim.
Talk to your boyfriend. Do not assume his parents have ever ordered from the place before. Or know the rating score.
It is simply a hygiene concern along with lack of choice.
You will not enjoy yourself if you think you might get food poisoning.

I wouldn't make a fuss about it and just order something like a veg chow mein or spring rolls. Say your not feeling too hungry

If you were visiting me I would want to order you something you would enjoy, even if that meant ordering from somewhere else just for you so if you ordered it yourself in order to not put me out I'd think you were a very considerate person and I'd also feel a bit guilty that I didn't order it for you.

This wouldn’t bother me. Can’t stand Chinese food, I think because as a vegetarian I’ve too often had bits of chicken in the veg dishes - long time ago but even thinking about it now puts me off.
im often the fussy eater on some kind of fad diet but i try find the balance between joining in for the social expectations but there are red lines (Chinese takeaway for me) for example don’t like cheap pizza places but i’d eat that to be social.
but also as a host id want everyone happy, and if that means ordering from 3 places that would be fine with me

I wouldn’t want to eat from somewhere that has a bad food rating and reviews saying people have been ill.

If the restaurants are on the same road then just pop to the other one. I would talk to your partner though as maybe nobody realises how bad it is and you can all change.

Not fixated. Have raised other points and questions too.

You are coming across as a tad inflexible. I’m out. Have a lovely evening.

You ordering from somewhere else absolutely wouldn’t bother me if I was hosting.

It would be a problem if ordering from two places makes the logistics harder - 2 pick ups, or waiting for the second delivery.

Personally, and I don’t have emetephobia, I’d pick up my own food on the way over and microwave it to fit in with the main delivery timings.

My family, DH’s family, and my friends would all be absolutely fine with me bringing my own food and microwaving it,

Would you not also worry about cross-contamination? If it's going to be a free-for-all from the dishes on the table I doubt there'll be enough serving spoons etc.

That’s not their fault though, is it?