Would this be rude?

Can your boyfriend lie and say he fancies something else? Curry? Kebab etc? So he takes the hit and not you?

Why will it be weird? Op and partner turn up with bags of food, everyone is given their food, Op has hers and that should be that. If Op or her partner say that OP has a vegetarian dish why would everyone all of a sudden want to try it?

I think a lot of people responding to this thread aren’t familiar with the absolutely crippling nature of emetophobia, OP. Huge congrats on getting help with it. If it were me, I’d have a chat with your partner to see what his thoughts are, and if needs be just dip out of this meet up feigning illness to avoid any awkwardness. Hope you figure out something that works

Me neither. We order what we want. The only reason we'd do a shared one is if it was with another friend and we both fancied a bit of each others.

Could you not just laugh it off and say ‘sorry I know I’m a fussy pain in the arse but there’s nothing I’d eat from there so I’m gonna collect mine from…’ just make it something to joke about to try and take the seriousness away

Do that and the whole family will decide that they want what the OP is having, and it will be weird.

Tell your partner how you're feeling and see what he suggests given that (1) he knows your situation and is sympathetic and (2) he knows his family best. Posters here have said it's rude, offensive, you'll be "that girlfriend" etc., but if I put myself in the place of your partner's parent, sibling, etc. (whoever will be there), ordering from two separate places and eating together would be fine with me and I'd rather that than find out later that you'd (1) eaten food that made you anxious/was unsuitable for you OR (2) declined the invitation for fear of giving offence. It's absolutely possible that they WOULD find it rude and judge you, but not inevitable.

(Since his family don't know about the emetophobia and you don't want to bring it up, I'd go with saying that you're a strict vegetarian and want to make sure the food is veg.)

Neurotic? That’s nasty and untrue

we can all have preferences and where it doesn’t matter people should be allowed to express their preferences

and it really doesn’t hurt anyone if she picks her stuff up elsewhere

we don’t have to all conform you know

It's a takeaway. What needs organising? OP can even go and collect it and get her own food at the same time. I don't know why she needs to announce anything or make a big deal other than maybe a passing comment about vegetarian and that place having more choice but really, who cares? It seems incredibly uptight.

When you say ‘we’ are collecting the food, do you mean you and your partner or the group? If it’s you and your partner then I’d just tell partner my concerns about dietary preferences and tell them I’ll collect a dish from the other place. There’s no need to even mention to the group you’ve been to a different place for yours if you think they may see it as rude

I think it's more that op is revealing herself as a neurotic who won't be able to get over herself for two seconds.

Thats not always how people eat a Chinese though. I’ve never shared a Chinese with anyone in such way, we’ve always ordered what we all fancy and then eat what we’ve ordered

All the more reason for OP to order from her preferred takeaway to see if these people are normal and rational or have a stick up their arse about arbitrary expectations regarding having a takeaway together.

I haven't read all the posts to see if anyone has had the idea but I saw your update that the food was being collected and the takeaway is on the same road. Could you and your boyfriend go and collect it and get stuff from the other restaurant and just pop it together without making a fuss? As since I originally replied you've expanded on how bad your food issues are and I actually think it's going to be worse for you sitting there feeling anxious and phobic as you are going to come across ruder than someone getting their own food. One of the reasons I don't do it with my wife's family is in from a more middle class background and there's no way to avoid it coming across as snobby.

Are you a baby who needs to eat or you'll die? No? Then just keep quiet and have a spoonful of rice and say mm delicious if asked.

If emetophobia is the problem and it's genuinely a health hazard then you're still going to be there thereing your partner as he spews the night away so maybe time to think about whether you're capable of being in a relationship just now.

If you are collecting the food, you could probably order and collect from both take aways, without anyone knowing.

If I were you I'd order what you want from the take away you want to order from. A bonus from doing this is that you'll find out if his family are pleasant and accepting or toxic and judgemental

Because that's what's been organised, if there had been pre warning or other arrangements then thats fine but there has been no discussions about the Ops issues it reads like she is going to rock up and just want to order something else from some place different. On the first visit it will just set a "tone" imo

Spending time together, eating together etc absolutely but why must it be from the same takeaway?

You have a good reason and a perfectly reasonable plan. Not rude at all as long as your DP lets them know the plan in advance.

And all the people saying about having to share dishes or that 'all Chinese restaurants have lots of vegetarian options' clearly don't have any dietary requirements of their own. It's absolutely fine to order and eat your own things rather than everyone digging in, if you can't share theirs in return. And a lot of Chinese vegetable dishes aren't actually vegetarian - so the real choice on the menu is generally a lot smaller than the apparent range of options.

If the familiy is a difficult, small-minded, easily offended one, best you find out sooner rather than later.

Some people are so uptight, honestly when they start discussing ordering id just say "actually I'm going to do an order from X as I just fancy insert dish can I add anything to the order for anyone else?"

What? No she isn’t at all?? She’s being perfectly polite in her responses.

I think the only issue is you said the takeaway you order from is more expensive, it might seem you are high maintenance and if you say everyone should go ahead and order from the usual but you want different.
Unfortunately “different” can be perceived as “better” or they have low standards.

I wouldn’t think like this but after a similar situation with my own family that’s how my sister saw things.

Just out of curiosity, what dishes do your preferred takeaway offer that the other ones don’t?
I thought most menus were identical and it’s rare I’ve seen a lot of variations when I’ve eaten in restaurants or from takeaways round the country. Occasionally I’ve typed in the name of a local one and forgotten to put the area when looking for a menu online and taken a while to notice because the menu was identical. Occasionally I’ve noticed a few different seafood dishes but not sure what vegetarian dishes could be different?

Usually I’ve found at the Chinese it’s lots of different sauces (satay, black bean, kung po etc) then they add meat, prawns or vegetables.
I’d have thought it was one of the few places vegetarians have mostly equal options, I was veggie for years and loved it when it was the choice for a communal takeaway as I didn’t look fussy.
My niece has arfid and manages to have rice, noodles, chips and prawn crackers, they are safe foods for her because she says they are the same everywhere!

A lot of places with a 3 or 4 hygiene rating are down to paperwork and not because they are actually dirty.
It’s things like fridge temperature records had a missing entry or staff training or cleaning records being incomplete, I think they should be able to specify that on the displayed rating. I wouldn’t want to eat from somewhere with under a three though.

You’re fine, I’m an emetophobic and one of the ways I deal with this is not eating in anything other than a 5 food hygiene rating.
If the place is clean, it’s not hard to get 5 stars, 3 stars, it must be really shit and dirty.
Just explain, and don’t worry about what they think.

This would be a complete non issue in my family, we do this regularly. Everyone just orders from wherever they like. If you feel like perhaps there might be an issue, just say you really like the vegetarian options from the other place and I’m sure they won’t mind at all. At the end of the day you’re all eating together, who cares where each meal has come from?