AIBU - cancelled social event

I would also be pretty annoyed that my friend hadnt divorced a man who is useless at helping his own children when they are in pain, to be honest. So if you died tomorrow he would just... neglect her if she became ill? This is BASIC parenting like feeding and watering and taking them outside for God's sake.

I think I would've rung rather than messaged OP in this case

yes, this.

At the end of the day it's your decision to make but when I first read it I thought the op was scheduled for that day - but you just want to be at home just in case your DD struggles that day? That does seem a bit OTT because it sounds like there is literally nothing you can do if she is in pain other than offer sympathy, that she couldn't do herself without you (e.g. take medicine). That's not to say I don't sympathise hugely with her, but it doesn't seem practical for you to never leave her side until she has this op - do you not go to work? Does she not go to school?

Unless she is so incapacitated she literally needs help changing pads or similar it shouldn't really make any difference whether it's gynae issues or not to whether her dad can keep an eye on her - it doesn't really matter where the pain is. Neither of you are expected to be rooting around up her!

I’m afraid in your friends’s position I’d feel a bit miffed, it doesn’t sound like it was an emergency situation, she would have been with a presumably fully functioning adult parent and she’s 14, not a helpless baby who wouldn’t cope for the best part of a day without you.

Obviously you made the choice you were comfortable with at the time which I’d understand in your friend’s position, but I’d still also think it was an over reaction to what sounds like not an emergency situation.

Off topic but 3 hours drive for an art exhibition seems extraordinary!!

Not at all! DP and I frequently travel more than that to see exhibitions we're interested in. If you like art, it's well worth the journey.

OP, she's probably a bit annoyed that you don't trust your husband to look after his own daughter. I would be, I think. It would be different if it was the day of the op, but just hanging around while she feels rough is a bit unnecessary.

Why can't DH step up -keeping her supplied with hot water bottles, drinks and paracetamol while she watches telly on the couch is hardly demanding. Or giving her a cuddle and distracting her - Parenting 101, surely.

It's also weird that you don't think he can look after her for gynaecological issues. Why on earth not? It's not the Victorian era.

I do hope she gets sorted soon, poor thing.

I expect your friend is a little pissed off about being let down after a plan made some months back, but she'll get over it.

She may or may not be upset. You don't know because you haven't asked. If she's a good friend why not ask her.

Give her a ring and say, look I realise I might have upset you by doing this and I feel bad but I had to prioritise my dd. Can I make it up to you.

Doing this kind of things by message is fraught with the possibility of miscommunication.

At the end of the day you made a choice based on your priorities. Own it. You don't have to make everybody happy.

I'd have a strong word with my DH though if he couldn't help look after his dd fora few hours while you went out. It being gynae issues is no excuse. She doesn't have to discuss it with him. Presumably there is nothing much either of you can do besides offer comfort, painkilers or whatever else she needs while waiting for her op. He can fetch and carry just as well as you can.

She’s probably disappointed, she’s not been as gushing as you’d like in her response but has said it’s fine. Send her a Christmas card with a nice message, and take the lead in proactively arranging plans to spend time together in the new year. I admit to getting a bit annoyed with friends who flake out on things because they’re compensating for a useless partner, but the annoyance blows over quickly and I’m always happy to see my friend.

You're inferring from the delay in her replying to you that she's annoyed/upset/disappointed with you? She might not be bothered and forgot to reply.

Tbf, you did let her down, your reasons might seem reasonable to you, she may feel that they weren't.

Personally, I think it would have been better to call and speak with her when you cancelled. I think those conversations are better had with voices, tone and emotion than over text.

Your friend has paid for tickets (and travel?) to attend the exhibition with you even though she's going again. It's probably quite a lot of money and she may be a bit miffed or disappointed. It can't be helped but could you offer her your ticket so she can take another friend instead?
Her message is a bit abrupt but not rude and there's not a lot you can say about someone else's gynae issues.

Exactly this. Why are you telling yourself the story that she is upset? Could she just be really busy and rushing to acknowledge? Are you insecure in this friendship? Do you have form for cancelling and she’s expressed displeasure before? I have form as have high needs kids and shit happens and is part of the package of being friends with me. No biggie for good friends as they know what my life is like and care about me. Have just cancelled lunch with buddies I only see a few times a year. I’ll meet them next time; they understand.

It sounds like a bit of a non-event, really.

You could have left your teen with their dad, really.

I’ve frequently travelled to other countries to see an exhibition!

I wouldn’t see her reply as indicating upset, just a rather brisk way of expressing herself, ie she’s not the ‘Oh, poor love! Gynae stuff is so tricky!’ type of texter.

But obviously you know her, and I don’t. However, I’m not sure what yiu can do about her being upset, if she is. You didn’t do anything wrong. You gave her plenty of notice and apologised, and it’s a non-negotiable reason. She’s already seen the exhibition.

You felt the need to post about this? I was expecting you to say your friend is charging you for her wasted time or dragged you out of the hospital to go.

If she had her sister to go with anyway then you haven’t let her down nearly as much as if it was just the two of you .

She’s probably a bit disappointed but it’s just one of those things.

Off topic but 3 hours drive for an art exhibition seems extraordinary!!

She may be a bit annoyed but she’ll get over it. Is there any cost implication? Hope your DD isn’t in too much pain

DH is useless
Why is this not your focus?

If I messaged that it was fine and I hoped matters were dealt with swiftly I would mean exactly that. Is there a chance you are reading too much into it?

I hope all goes well for your DC.

What did you want her to say?