I basically fixate on something that could happen. Something that would basically ruin my life. It can be anything. I can make a minor mistake at work and blow it up to me thinking I might get sacked. And don’t get me started on the health worries I have about my kids. One of my children has medical issues, and I worry about her a lot. Then my other child is very clumsy and acts without thinking, and I worry about her.
I worry about my marriage. Panic about doing something to mess that up. We are a very happy couple, but I’ll find scenarios where I could lose it all.
I hide all of this from the outside world. I present as happy and fun. Not the most extravert, but somewhere in the middle. No one knows the fact that I’ll see a dodgy looking mole on my daughter’s arm and then fear the worst. Each time I work myself into a frenzy over something, I remind myself of how much I worried about the thing before, but then convince myself “but that thing wasn’t as bad as this one.” When things are really bad, I question the purpose of life. I would never, ever take my own life, but I worry that I am sitting waiting for that awful phone call that will come one day.
I have had some trauma, where I nearly lost my sister when she was just 32. She was in Intensive care as she has epilepsy and went into status epilepticus. M I don’t think this is the trigger, but maybe it is?
Despite not opening up to loved ones, I have quietly been going to therapy about all of this, but no improvement yet.
Has anyone been through this and could help me with some suggestions of ways to get better from this. Life is just passing me by and I am missing out on the joy that those around me are experiencing. I want to feel happy.