AIBU re husbands drinking

Personally I probably would not split up over this but given that your husband acknowledged the problem last time it happened, knows the damage it does and how seriously you take it, and still DID do it gain, I'd expect him to acknowledge that there is a problem that he can't solve himself and get professional/specialist help, now, and follow through with it. You said Last time it happened I told him it can never happen again or I’ll divorce him. Did you mean this when you said it? Did you intend to follow through? What's changed? If you let this go, what will you do next time it happens?

I think it’s an alcohol problem, but I don’t think it’s alcoholism? He doesn't need an exact label in order to seek help. But if he isn't able to stop drinking to excess despite genuinely wanting and trying to, then that's an alcohol dependency issue whether or not it fits the exact definition of alcoholism. A professional can help him figure out if he needs to quit altogether or if he can develop habits that allow him to limit his intake.

I don’t think it’s realistic for him to never drink again. Why not? This IS the solution - or, I guess, the viable workaround - for many, many people with alcohol dependency issues including the pattern of "hardly ever takes a drink, but can't stop once started". If you discover that you genuinely can't regulate your intake or behaviour once you've had a drink, then you never take a drink. It's inconvenient at times, sure, but obviously so is the current situation!!

You say you were worried sick about him being 'lost on public transport'? He's a 50 year old man who lives in central London. Surely he just gets an Uber home? I wouldn't be driving around to try and find him and pick him up. Nobody ever did that for me when I was a teenager. So I wouldn't do it for a grown man.

Three episodes that were embarrassing but not that much terrible happened. I guess that's one positive. Nobody got hurt, nobody pissed themselves.

Apart from the drunk driving which is really bad. If he does that again you can threaten divorce.

I agree with others that you need to stop covering for him OP. Obviously pick up the kids etc but he does need to feel the consequences. I didn’t stop drinking after my arrest either but I did when I publically hurt a good friend of mine. Thankfully, she was fine and has forgiven me but the sharp shock of seeing all those accusing, angry, shocked faces staring at me and the shame of not being able to look people in the eye was what made me choose to go sober. Not the police/court who were strangers to me that I could put out of sight and mind.

He’s already been arrested, that didn’t stop him either.

Stop saving him. Let him get arrested.

Don’t worry about embarrassing him. He should be embarrassed about what happened and you shouldn’t cover it up. Stop doing that.

But I agree, it "could" happen anytime, it's not the workplaces fault (supplying free booze/encouraging drunkenness, right? It's more your husband has no control once he starts and he usually only starts at work parties)
So really it comes down to him not drinking outside the home. But yes, I've known workplaces that adopted a no alcohol policy at get togethers for their legal protection

Perhaps unpopular idea but any chance you can anonymously message the workplace and address to manager/owner a concern about "work related get together and alcohol consumption" perhaps citing that if an employee gets inebriated while on a work related get together, the workplace is liable?
They may rethink the work parties with booze (or not).
I've known workplaces that have done exactly this for exactly this reason, that's why I mentioned it.

The drink driving alone would have been a deal breaker for me.

Sorry op, but for me this would be second ultimatum time...he stops drinking for himself or its over. I have lived that on edge feeling as to have their night out will end and I wouldn't live like that again. I

My husband had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol...much more frequent than just social events and its taken years for him to realise that he can't drink anymore. He has no "off button" once he starts and he can also have a personality change. 9 times out of 10 he was the fun, sociable mrwhaleand snail6 but some times he would be irritable, obnoxious, ready for a fight/irresponsible actions.

He is now finally at a place where he himself knows he can't drink anymore. We briefly separated whilst he came to that decision, as he'd tried before to do it for me but it didn't work...he had to realise himself

This is a really tricky one, because as you say the frequency is low but the seriousness of the incidents, and the resulting tension and stress for you, are high.
Because we are a drinking culture, and defining alcohol abuse can be difficult, one of the ways a problem with alcohol is identified is if it's a concern for one of the people in the drinker's life. Since you are being affected, therefore, he has a problem.
Is there a history of drink problems in his family?
Another thing that strikes me is that you are falling into the classic "enabler" role. You pick up the pieces and cover up for him. People only change when they feel the consequences of their actions. Maybe you need to let him do that? Maybe if his drink driving was known to family and friends, it would have been more of a wake up call. You say you are ashamed of that, but it's his shame to feel, not yours. Or if you didn't cover up for the children's sake? Totally understand why you do but it's for him to feel he's letting them down.
I feel for you, because it's so complex. There are support lines you can ring to talk things through. Wishing you all the best.

@IntrinsicWorthI see what you’re saying and I agree that most people, even when abusing alcohol, don’t choose to drink drive because it’s so dangerous. However my point was that it’s important to remember that alcohol is a nervous system depressant… it slows and even stops some of the signals in the brain which stops cognitive function from happening normally. Some drinkers can be so very drunk that they don’t even know they’re drink driving. I know one who didn’t even drive who got behind a wheel because they thought it was a bumper car in their inebriation. Prior they hadn’t driven in a decade. Another who set himself on fire and forgot how to put fire out… Social rules do not always apply when one is so incredibly drunk but doesn’t fall unconscious due to a use disorder.

Is he going to see it as serious, OP? Was his promise that this would never happen again a promise he made because you asked him to (may be gave him an ultimatum)? Or because he was horrified at what happened?

3 times in 7 years is a low incident rate, but the severity is high. So high it makes me wonder if it’s really only been 3 times or if there are other times he’s been this drunk and you just didn’t find out. Most people don’t get into trouble every time they get really drunk.

Regardless, presumably being caught drink driving meant losing his license (and so huge expense for you as a family)? And this time forgetting about his responsibilities to your son is hard to forgive. He promised it wouldn’t happen again, but it has. I think the only thing that would be a likely to actually stop it is if he gave up drinking entirely - at least when he’s out with friends and colleagues. Is he likely to agree to that? Do you want to stay with him if he does?

Agree he is a problem drinker. The only things he can do is completely stop drinking (or perhaps stop drinking when you're not there). I don't think I could live with him going out and you not knowing if he had done something terrible to hurt himself or others. What does he say about it though, clearly he must know that 'I'll only have a couple' doesn't work every time

OK, different experiences here. My point was that you can’t always attribute deeply antisocial behaviours to acoholism. Some people are just reckless selfish individuals who will overindulge because consequences don’t matter that much. Of course, alcoholics can become seriously impaired and do what the hell they like because they just care about alcohol. It’s just in this particular situation I think it might be unhelpful to chalk it up to “alcohol abuse” - there is probably much more going on.

For context, I come from a family of enthusiastic and committed drinkers, and my wider circle also has more than its fair share of alcohol dependent individuals, but drink driving Is still frowned on including among the heavy drinkers. By and large they have facilitating partners/ children who get in the car to get them…which is a whole other story. Anyway, that’s just my experience.

I would've called a cab for the silly tit.

This is completely untrue btw. Pretty much every alcoholic I know has a drink driving conviction. Most have numerous. Alcohol makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do especially when at alcoholism level.

Yeah unfortunately that’s the alcohol tricking him. I genuinely thought I was fine all of the time… until I started having blackouts and doing dangerous things. It started going from feeling completely fine to waking up in the morning with hours of time missing. Honestly I found it as confusing and scary as my husband did.

Alcoholism is an outdated term because it doesn’t feel like it applies to people like me or your husband. Aka problematic binge drinkers. That’s why alcohol use disorder is more commonly used now.

AA has helped me.

Oh and I did the agreed upon 3 drinks thing too. And the glass of water between drinks and the ‘only shandies’. It’s called negotiating and it doesn’t work for many because at 3 drinks your inhibitions have already dropped off.

The incidents may be infrequent over years, but each as a standalone is deeply problematic. If hr can’t stop at two drinks, and makes poor decisions, tbh, he shouldn’t be drinking at all. He has no stop button.

I think it's the fact that you told him it should never happen again and the fact that he almost put himself in another situation again that is the issue.
Did he reflect properly on the seriousness of the drink driving when it happened? Perhaps he needs to revisit the risks he's taking to himself and others when he drinks and what the consequences could be for all of you.

There's absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop, OP. He has to make the decision to stop drinking, and so far, ultimatums have fallen on deaf ears.All you can do is decide at what point his reckless disregard becomes too dangerous for you and your children.

Does he want to stop?! There is no point in you being anxious and trying to make deals and agreements if he’s not interested.

fwiw I have a couple of male friends who are similar- one does these things much more frequently- they won’t stop. Their wives have just had to make peace with it. They aren’t the ones who can stop it

He might be ok now, but his willingness to do what he wants and sod the consequences is a problem. I bet you’d never do similar if it meant your kids were left waiting and not being picked up :(

he might not be an alcoholic, but he is showing some selfish and reckless tendencies.

Being honest, that is pretty hard to change. Some men are just selfish buggers.

Individual (for him) and couples therapy might be a good idea.

He's more than capable, he just doesn't want to.

I think we all know people like this.

People who say 'I can't stop at one'.

If that's truthfully the case and they're that bothered, then don't have one. It's not mandatory 🤷‍♀️

He's 50. This problem isn't new to him and yet he continues to do it and that's his choice.

You need to understand he's owning that choice, rather than 'looking for treatment'.