AIBU re husbands drinking

But why are you the one bearing negative consequences for his bad actions? He gets to dismiss your concerns while you live in fear of the next incident? Especially if you now have a medical issue.

Have you asked him about what happens if he kills someone? If he does something less serious but gets hit with fines, fired etc?

If he's not taking it seriously there's only so much you can do. Your best bet is to give him a shock to his system. Right now you've done such a good job protecting his shame that he hasn't felt real repercussions other than financial. He needs social ones.

It’s not a case of what can we try it’s a case of he tries. He has to want to do it and change. If he doesn’t want to change you can’t make him. He has already broke his promise to you and he will continue to do so. I’m very much afraid there has to be real consequences for this behaviour but the question is how far do you want to take it?

You're not wrong, but equally no one's perfect and 3 times in 7 years?

I would be furious about the sports thing, but I have actually forgotten to collect a child once, just because I forgot.

I maybe would leave him to sort his own problems, and not be going out to collect him in the middle of the night.

What if the next incident is drunk driving again and he kills someone?

I think personally you should tell him you want a separation and talk to a lawyer about your position. If that shock doesn't bring him to his senses and agree to take serious measures like giving up drinking then at least you'll know where you stand.

He clearly has a problem with alcohol even if he’s not an alcoholic’.

You can either end your marriage and whilst some will say you would be unreasonable to do this, you can walk away for any reason you want. The drink driving and subsequent conviction is a very big deal and maybe it has been minimised by him which is why you’re second guessing yourself now.

If you do stay, and that is also reasonable, you should just disengage from him around his drinking. You don’t discuss it again but say to him when he goes out drinking you will not be calling him or answering his phone calls. You won’t be driving around in your car looking for him and bringing him home, won’t be walking to meet him to make sure he gets home safely. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences. You can’t make him stop drinking but you can control your behaviour and choose not to enable him in any way. And that might make you feel less powerless. At the moment, you’re his fall back when he gets himself in a mess. He’s a big boy, let him deal with the shit he gets himself in.

I would involve his mother, firstly because he listens to her and secondly because it signals to him the seriousness of the issue to you, since he seems to still be downplaying it. One would have thought a drink driving conviction would have brought him to his senses tbh but it seems not, so you are justified I think in reaching out to someone else who cares about him and has influence on him.

Whilst I completely understand it's annoying and he's broken a promise, it is 3 times in 7 years. I don't drink myself and I don't like drunks, but honestly I think you need to consider whether you are over-catastrophising this,

So what if he gets an escooter - he pays the price and has the embarrassment of it, So what if he's lost in London at 2:30am, I wouldn't be picking him up. You are to some extent enabling it - whilst you keep scooping him up and covering up the embarrassment he'll continue. You should not be embarrassed at someone else's poor behaviour either.

The only thing I would always do is cover over for the kids - so if he doesn't pick them up I would. But I would absolutely tell him to apologise and explain himself.

OP, when you wrote
He is very apologetic and agreed that it can never happen again but has otherwise let go of the whole incident. He just said he will be more careful going forward
you could have been describing the conversation I tried to have with my husband after he had collapsed on the floor, children waking me at 3am to call an ambulance, followed by a transformation from syrupy, wheedling drunk to raging animal.I waited seven months before further "isolated" incidents led on to two nightss of absolute horror.After his arrest for DV, part of me thought in the same way described by @GasPanic :
I don't know what the solution is, other for them to do something so bad which has such serious consequences they agree never to drink again.
But he laughed it all off, claimed it was a pack of lies and expected me to return with the children.He even told one of them, after t hey asked him to stop drinking, that of course he wouldn't be doing that.
I think the brushing off by your husband is not a good sign, OP, sorry.

I would say if he has a work event he has to book a hotel near the event or not go next time.
The issues seem to be around him trying to get home.
As it is only 3 times in 7 years I would not break up about this issue. But say he has to book a hotel next time he can easily get back to or just decline the invite.
Or taxi could be an option.
His crime is taking moronic decisions on how to get home whilst drunk. So this is the part you can focus on.

Thing is, when you’re out of it you don’t form memories in the same way as when you’re sober, so you can avoid the shame you might normally feel. It won’t feel real to him so he can shrug it off.

If he can’t drink sensibly he shouldn’t be drinking at all, but I doubt you will get him to see that. What you do next is obviously up to you and your contextual knowledge- for me, it would depend on whether there is other problematic or excessive drinking, on a routine basis, or if he literally is sober and sensible apart from these isolated incidents. If the latter, I’d probably want to try to work something out, but if the former, I would call him an alcoholic and feel he needs to hit rock bottom before he’ll be willing to change.

My DP has this tipping point. 1small beer at home... fine... out and about generally a work thing and he is on a bender.

No he got pissed so badly that 3 major events occurred. OP doesn’t say those are the only times he drank.

You can’t say it’s normal to get so drunk you’re arrested and lose your licence, forget your child.
? That’s problem behaviour.

What is his drinking like on a day to day basis @Charcharm ? What has the spacing between these events been like, evenly spaced or were the last two closer together?

eta: you say he has a "tendency to drink way too much on select occasions such as the office Christmas lunch, new years etc" so are you saying he often drinks way beyond what is sensible apart from the three extreme events?

Ignore the cool wives, this is more than just getting a bit too pissed.

Well, he’s basically said he’s not willing to do anything I’m afraid OP. I get it, I denied I had an issue over and over and over again.

But it’s unlikely he will be able to stop it from happening again. Because if he had been able to do that he would’ve stopped it happening the first, second and third times.

I hope he’s some magical exception. But I’d prepare yourself that he won’t be.

He got pissed 3 times in 7 years
He sounds like an angel to me LOL
As long as her did not drive I would not give a monkeys

The problem is that you think your husband occasionally drinking too much and being reckless is a problem, and he doesn’t. Maybe ask him how he plans to stop this from happening again? What solutions can he suggest to keep himself in check? If he doesn’t think there’s a problem here to be solved then I’m afraid there’s not much you can do besides accept the situation or leave.

And also give the shame of his drink driving back to him. You didn’t do this, he did and the shame belongs to him. Stop protecting him and let him feel the consequences of his behaviour.

It's some sort of alcohol problem, although people who have it sometimes deny it because it isn't like the classic alcohol problem of drinking a lot all the time.

I have known a few people like this. Once they have one drink they can't stop. And then when they get drunk they go completely insane, like it flips some sort of switch in their brain. They can go for years being OK, have one drink and it all kicks off.

I don't know what the solution is, other for them to do something so bad which has such serious consequences they agree never to drink again. I would suggest maybe contacting someone who is expert on the problem for some expert advice on the subject, because other than giving up drinking completely I don't know what the answer to this issue is.

I wouldn't go straight to divorce, but I would be very angry.

You need to stop covering for him and enabling him. Stop collecting him. Let him get arrested and don't cover it up - the embarrassment is all his and nothing to do with you.

Also, I wouldn't worry at all about a 50 year-old grown-arse man lost on public transport in London. Really!! Seriously!!? He's allegedly an adult so don't baby him. He can navigate the system and you should leave him to do so. I would.

If you keep picking up the pieces, even if it isn't high frequency, he will keep thinking it is OK.

Regarding the escooter and drink driving incidents, I might report them to the police if I knew he was about to do this.

I think you just need to say what you've said in this post to him.

How do you think he'd react?

How has been about it today??

You don't deserve all this stress. I hope if you explain it's genuinely affecting your health and you will have to split if it ever happens again then he won't do it.

You know what, @Charcharm, I was thinking that you sound like a woman worried that her husband’s going to lose his job, the result being that you and your DC lose the roof over your heads.

Your update seems to confirm this.

The stress of the risk and the precariousness of this is taking its toll on you. And frankly, your DC are going to be disappointed in their father at some point, aren’t they? If not now, then sooner or later. So please re-prioritise your concerns here. You are worth a whole lot more.