DH and a colleague

You do sound controlling and it doesn’t sound like your DH is talking about anything overly personal. I would understand if he was talking about your sex life but talking about problems with your DCs in this context is not overly personal. There is no flirting and it sounds like a genuine friendship and he needs that.

What are you doing to support your DH? It sounds like he is relying on his colleague for support rather than you so maybe see if you can reconnect with him. If his mental health is bad, can you find ways to help him such as joining in meditation or walks in the countryside?

He isn't doing anything he wants because OP is rough shodding over everything he says and their DD says.

I'm not surprised you're getting the hump about this. It's seems like it's almost like 'Brenda says this, Brenda thinks we should do that, Brenda thinks I do too much and you're lazy..'

It's like, are you sure she's even saying those things though? It sounds like he's just doing what he wants and using her as the reasons for his thinking. She may not have said anything of the sort.

Of course your DH should not be discussing intimate issues about his family life with a colleague, however saying that, I do sometimes speak to my (male) colleagues about our teenagers in an eye rolling, 'you'll never guess what DD/DS did...' as they also have teenagers. (I work mostly exclusively with males)

The colleague has over stepped by judging you, i.e. not pulling your weight, and if the financial pressure is affecting him so much, then for sure take the kids out of private school. Maybe you need to re think why this is so important to you? Is this the source of disagreement between you and your DH?

You can absolutely take the kids out of private school if the family finances don't allow it, and a bit of a messed up family dynamic if your DH is struggling as the sole income provider and he doesn't seem to have a voice in any of this.

Thing is, the DH's work colleague is only getting half a story isn't she...? 🤔

You absolutely can move your children from their school if the level of stress its causing your DH is making him ill. It’s not ideal but people do it all the time.
What are you retraining to do? many people work part time/ some hours and retrain at the same time- is that an option?
I wonder if he is telling his work colleague because you are not listening- you are not hearing him saying I am really struggling. I suggest you start to listen and to work together to see what potential solutions there are.

How do you normally find that?

What is bothering you the most? The fact he is expressing his concerns about his personal life to a woman or the fact that her advice is right?

My DH had work stress. One day he came home early then proceeded to decline mentally facing years and years of mental ill health. He will never work again.

Had I realised and had the opportunity to head this off I would have. Your husbands friend obviously sees how badly effected he is - messaging about work stress early int he morning is not a good sign.

You normally find these 'cool wives' are actually terribly insecure and its just a front.

I really doubt that a husband retraining and not providing for the household would get a positive comment on MN either so is defibetly not onlt women. Nevertheless, the kids seem to be in school and grown up, she does not have to stop retraining, a part time job 3 days a week show some effort and the fact she does not leave all the financial load on DH.

I agree its a bit innappropriate.

How old are the kids and are you working OP?

Exactly, OP’s husband is so stressed he is unwell, that has to take a toll on the rest of his team.
OPs husband has literally said he only talks to her as she listens, meaning that no one else does or at least he feels that no one else does and that is probably accurate.
OP ‘can’t’ work as she’s retraining, the children ‘have’ to go to private school because that’s all they’ve ever known.
If this is how the OP listens to her DH’s concerns, ill health and stress levels the problem is not colleague that’s probably had enough of being a sounding board and said ‘you need to evaluate why you are doing all of this’ which sounds like really good advise for someone in his shoes. If a male colleague had said ‘ mate, you sound like you’re at the end of your tether, it’s time to sit and have a think about what’s important to you’ no one would have batted an eyelid.

Yes, this. ^ When I saw the title of the thread, I KNEW it would be a female colleague, (that a woman's husband is over-friendly with at work,) and almost definitely younger.

I totally agree with you, been there done that and bought the T shirt. I learned a very hard lesson. You really need to be talking to eachother and sorting these things out together so no, I do not think you ABU

Someone who doesn’t think anytime their partner speaks or is friends with a woman they will fall into their vagina.

This.

Is it? This lady is having to support a colleague that is struggling and she sounds like (if there's no affair potential) that she's doing it so her own work life is kept manageable too as failing team members drag everyone down. I could be completely wrong and maybe it's an emotional affair. But maybe honestly she isn't pulling her weight? Are you working at all OP or is that tricky because of issues, medical or something else. Help us help you.

have all the people criticising this woman for involving herself in their marriage considered that her DH is using ‘x says’ as a way to try and get his opinion heard? It doesn’t sound like he feels he is listened to and is trying to get support so he can show his opinion has some worth.

the issue here isn’t the colleague - it’s that OP doesn’t seem to countenance other opinions to her own and is starting to get kick back from the kids which is emboldening her DH to try and express his opinions

<< I only speak to her because she listens>>

This might be a clue op. You know you can genuinely listen to your DH and give him space to tell you his worries. If you don't you can't really blame him if he goes and talks to someone who does listen.

Whilst he probably is freezing you out, he is telling you why he is doing that, you just aren't listening again.

I know it is not easy since his worries about his health will be a real worry for you too so it may be difficult to hear but he is telling you she listens to him and you don't. You don't have to fix all his problem to listen to them, just not be defensive if what he says triggers your worries. You are entitled to your worries and needs but he is entitled to his as well

You need to stop obsessing about the other woman and focus on improving your conmunication and connection with your husband.

Also curious as to what the retraining is - how long will that take, can you do that part time to help him out. I think if he's confiding in this lady it's because he can talk to her in a way that he doesn't seem able to talk to you atm for various reasons. It's upsetting for sure but you can't just dictate who he speaks to. And she sounds like she is supporting him when he needs it (and therefore probably helping him manage his stress) so inadvertently maybe she's doing you a favour and I would see it as a wake up call.

You sound a lot more concerned about your DH “discussing his family issues” and “leaning” on a female friend than you do about your DD “misbehaving” or your deteriorating marriage.

There’s some bonkers answers here.
OP is clearly worried about the amount her husband shares with this friend, and her ‘advice’ is trickling into her marriage.
This colleague has stepped waaaay over the line in saying that OP doesn’t pull her weight. The decisions OP and her husband made in their family set up is none of her business. How dare she say ( essentially) that he should be evaluating choices. Thats not her place to say.
I’m sure no one on mumsnet would be happy if their husband came home from work and basically said ‘ Jim at work says you need to do more’

In any other thread, if a woman said she was a stay at home mum and she felt her husband was investing significant energy in another woman, the advice would be for her to make herself as financially secure as possible- and retrain if needed.
OP, you got peoples backs up by saying your husband can’t talk to her, and by punishing your daughter for not wanting you at her match. Thats not fair. And looking at your husbands phone isn’t fair either. But obviously you don’t trust him.

There’s no way I would stop retraining as there’s a chance here that you will need to earn more.

However, if your husband is at crisis point, you need to be kinder to him, which means considering the impact his job has on him.

Yes you can. Changing schools is not a tragedy.