DH and a colleague

Eh? I don't see what's so "of course not" about that. I chat to my close friends (male and female) about my relationship from time to time. My DP does the same. He's known some of his female friends since uni, so it would be weird if they didn't talk about their personal lives.

Your DH is out of order. He is allowing another woman into the marriage by seeking views and sharing private family business. He needs to stop now or there won’t be a marriage left.

It feels as though the pivot point is in the wrong place, i.e. the kids can't POSSIBLY move school but fine for him to continue working against his health and needs. It needs to be the other way around. He shouldn't be in that situation and school shouldn't be the priority here surely?
That situation would only build resentment for a lot of people.

He told her about one issue or ongoing challenge with your daughter, highly relatable for lots of colleagues. And equally he likely already had her perspective before talking about it and has had it confirmed or supported by someone external and therefore more objective to the scenario. When I did sports when I was young I didn't like my parents coming and they respected that, you should respect that also. Her sports isn't about you. It shouldn't be a quid pro quo

What an odd take

my kids are at private school so no issue there

and I also work in a professional environment and am friends with male colleagues (shock!)

the internalised mysogyny being aimed at this because she’s a woman is the gross part of this thread

Amazing how many people on this post are just jealous of the private school aspect and ignore the fact that the OP's husband has actually crossed a major line. The question is whether it is OK for OP's husband to discuss intra-marital issues with another woman, the answer to which is OF COURSE NOT. But the responses here are like "why don't you have to work like the rest of us" and "take your children out of private school because I can't afford it and it makes me mad that you can." Sad.

I can understand why you are upset that he is confiding in another woman, but it seems to be your way or the highway. I’m not surprised he is getting stressed.

I did tell him to get a new job.

Your DH is clearly stressed and unwell and you TOLD him to get a new job?

I can't even look at this thread any more.

Would I be happy if someone was discussing family dramas with colleagues? No. But this woman isn't just a colleague, OP; your DH said it himself, they are friends. And most people do talk to their friends about personal/family problems.

People can also change their minds. Your Dh heard an alternative way to manage your DD and has changed his mind. It's ok, but you two should have a proper discussion, not one or the other demanding that things happen a certain way. You won't want to hear it, but I agree with his colleague. It's childish to be playing tit for tat games with your teenager - 'if I can't go here, you can't go there.' Why is she being punished because she doesn't want her parents at a sports match? That's worth a conversation another time (is she going through a phase of finding her parents embarrasing? Is there someone there she wants to ask out without you two watching? Does she simply want more independence?). It's also worth another conversation (probably several) with your DH about whether private school is absolutely necessary, given the financial strain and subsequent stress it puts you both under. If it is absolutely necessary, then you need to discuss a better way to making it happen - is your training available part time? Can you get an evening job to fit around your training? If there are no good state schools in your area, could a medium term plan be to move somewhere else?

It does seem like communication is the main issue. You, your DH and your DD could probably all work on communicating with each other a bit more effectively (with you and DH remembering that your DD is only a teenager, so she may get it wrong much of the time).

Oh come on. You've only got the arse about it because she disagrees. If she was on your side you'd have no objection. And why aren't you pulling your weight?

I think there’s a need here for a full and frank discussion between yourself and DH. Find a a compromise between yourselves. It’s time for the colleague to mind her own business. Relationships can be difficult enough to navigate without the opinions of bystanders.

Voice of reason 👏

Didn’t he do just what you’re doing now i.e seeking other opinions?

thats fine and you are right.

but clearly he agrees and more likely she is reinforcing what he thinks already. Your husband is drowning and you won’t throw him a life jacket. Things change, life changes, yes you may have agreed to this terms but clearly it’s not longer sustainable.

you need to adapt and help your husband with the burden rather than digging your heels in. You are risking his health and your marriage.

You are holding him to something that was agreed a long time ago when presumably he was well and coping. Now he is not. Situations change. Why can’t you get a job and contribute? Retrain later. Put your family first just as you expect your DH to do so.

I suspect your DD not wanting you at her match and DH turning elsewhere for advice is due to the same reason; you’re unreasonable and controlling. You need to look at your own behaviour if you want to see true change.

If a colleague I got on with told me they were stressed to the point of being physically unwell because their partner refused to work and share the financial burden I’d have much harsher words for the partner than “not pulling their weight” regardless of who was male or female.

Pull your kids out of private school then!

I love the way the colleague has become the villain of the piece

OP and her husband need to sort their shit out

Yes, we don’t know the exact words used, just what the OP says her DH related to her. However, the DH is using this colleague wrongly. He’s either misrepresenting her much milder words in order to say what he really wants to say to the OP, which isn’t fair to the colleague, or the colleague actually said nothing at all about the wife and the DH is using her and pretending she did.

Either way, the colleague shouldn’t have let herself be drawn into this or even given the DH the impression she could be used like this. The comment above about a poster feeling “icky” when a colleague started to do this is quite right. There’s a line you’re best staying behind, not just for other people’s sake but for your own protection.

People posting anonymously on here about other unnamed people is totally different from a woman sitting at work and telling a male colleague their wife isn’t pulling their weight.

I get what youvare saying and I agree. But... this is not such a dynamic because the husband did not ageee from the begining * as far as I understand) with the OP' s approach. So, he asked for an outside opinion. Which strenthened his belief that he is in the right. The dynamic of difference of opinion and approach was there from the begining. It really feels that the OP is not willing to compromise and to listen to the husband. Which changes the narrative from "he sided with her against OP". Is not like that. It was the friend siding with him on his approach. I am not sure if I make myself understood but I had times in my life where I had to ask outside opinion because I knew that asking my DH or any of our family would be biased. I also gave advice to married man who was confiding in me about his relationship, I sided with her, called him an idiot and made him see how he is in the wrong. He thanked me and appreciated my advice and woman perspective. Sometimes I was confirmed I was right sometimes I was not, and it provides a fresh perspective, that is all there is.

Well, quite. Even reading only the OP’s posts before reading any replies I concluded she was an entitled parasite.

I agree it’s not appropriate for him to share his family problems in the depth he is. That’s first steps towards at least an emotional affair. A man I work closely with started to do that to me - it felt icky and inappropriate. I distanced myself immediately and will strictly only talk about work, no chit chat, and I limit the amount of time I spend with him too. But it sounds like your husband’s colleague isn’t going to do that.

It’s also inappropriate of your husband to have said outright to you that he’s going to follow her advice - it’s really undermining of you.

alongside that - there’s obviously something he really needs to talk to you about and feels he’s not able to. That was my colleague’s problem really - he hadn’t even tried to have a conversation with his wife about the things he wasn’t happy with, and just looked elsewhere for emotional support for the sake of having a bit of a difficult conversation. I basically said really sorry you’re so unhappy and suggested he might want to use our employee assistance programme to talk to someone - he seems happier these days so maybe he took my advice.

But we have no idea if the colleague said ‘your wife’s a bitch and she’s not pulling her weight’ or ‘is there any chance your wife could work a bit to take the pressure off if you think it would help?’

and the DH may have said she’s not pulling her weight because that’s how he genuinely feels at the moment and he was able to have his feelings validated by his colleague - as opposed to his wife who just told him to get another job

or perhaps he put it gently and the OP was so enraged at the suggestion they change the plans they agreed so long ago because deep down she knows she needs to help more and chose to use the negative language when relaying the tale to us

the point is - we can judge none of the 3 protagonists in this story from the version OP has given us as we don’t know what the truth actually is

And the in your opinion judgemental comment is exactly the comment that almost every single poster on here would make if it was the OP saying she was the one suffering with stress whilst her DH didn't work.