Page 13 | DH and a colleague

Th8754 · 2025-12-05T22:39:43+00:00

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend. My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:10

Regarding the affair - I saw some of their messages (he texts her early 7 am), all very much blunt about work stress. She’s equally direct in the messages and just supportive of him: zero flirting or anything.

OP posts:

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/12/2025 23:10

I mean she is right, you should be pulling your weight. What are you retraining in and why does that mena you can't do sone part time work?

I suspect your issue is also in part that you know she is right!

He is entitled to friends of either sex. You are unreasonable to suggest otherwise.

He is entitled to discuss issues and seek a. I would out money on you chatting to your friends about it so why shouldn't he?

Would you have the same level of issue if he was chatting to a male friend?

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:05

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:01

You do sound controlling, honestly. You can't just tell him to stop talking to someone who is obviously a friend as well as a colleague.

Your husband isn't taking the colleague's side in any case. She doesn't have a "side". He has listened to her advice about your daughter's match and he agrees with it. So do I, fwiw. You sound quite lacking in emotional intelligence.

The colleague may also have a point about you not pulling your weight. If there are school fees to be paid, then maybe now wasn't the right time to be retraining. Your DH's health does matter. Having said that, I'm not really sure why your husband is telling you that the colleague doesn't think you're pulling your weight...if that is what he thinks, then he should say so and own it. If he doesn't agree with the colleague, then I think it's unnecessary for him to repeat it.

It sounds like you don't trust him. Are they just friends or do you suspect him of having an affair?

He's not having an affair. But the level of emotional disclosure is worrying.

OP posts:

Toothfairy89 · 05/12/2025 23:03

People are allowed to discuss their problems with their friends. They are allowed to seek advise from others and they are entitled to agree with that advise. They don't have to agree with your perspective just because your their wife. Hes not taking her side, as she's not involved in the argument, he's taking her advise. Which maybe right.

Women discuss problems with their children/parenting with colleagues all the time, and seek advise from each other. Why do you think a man isn't allowed to?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 05/12/2025 23:03

Lots of things here. I agree with the colleague about your daughter and the match btw.

They do sound very close, good that he tells you I guess? Maybe he finds you generally unreasonable and objectionable to talk to.

Sounds a little like he is the least important person in your relationship, other than when it comes to £££££.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:01

You do sound controlling, honestly. You can't just tell him to stop talking to someone who is obviously a friend as well as a colleague.

Your husband isn't taking the colleague's side in any case. She doesn't have a "side". He has listened to her advice about your daughter's match and he agrees with it. So do I, fwiw. You sound quite lacking in emotional intelligence.

The colleague may also have a point about you not pulling your weight. If there are school fees to be paid, then maybe now wasn't the right time to be retraining. Your DH's health does matter. Having said that, I'm not really sure why your husband is telling you that the colleague doesn't think you're pulling your weight...if that is what he thinks, then he should say so and own it. If he doesn't agree with the colleague, then I think it's unnecessary for him to repeat it.

It sounds like you don't trust him. Are they just friends or do you suspect him of having an affair?

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:00

Wellstonethecrows · 05/12/2025 22:57

I'm not surprised you are unhappy OP.

Your are his wife and his life partner.
You and he should be a team and should discuss family issues and work out joint decisions and strategies.
Instead he is freezing you out and he and this woman are having the discussions and making the decisions.

It is totally inappropriate . He is far too emotionally involved with this woman.
You need to talk to him about appropriate boundaries in a marriage.

Thank you. I told him I am so unhappy that he’s discussing our family issues with her.

OP posts:

SpanThatWorld · 05/12/2025 22:59

Do you talk to your friends about your marriage and kids? I talk to mine all the time.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 05/12/2025 22:58

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:55

I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to share our marriage issues with a colleague, seek her advice, and take her side. He tells her so many private matters. He said I only speak to her because she listens.

Edited

she is a friend as well as a colleague and it’s absolutely normal to discuss personal and relationship issues with friends. Perhaps he wouldn’t have such issues to discuss if you didn’t just see him as a walking cash machine.

Muffsies · 05/12/2025 22:58

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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How unwell is he, do you know that stress can be really serious? How is it affecting his daily life, is he getting support/help?

Lmnop22 · 05/12/2025 22:58

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:55

I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to share our marriage issues with a colleague, seek her advice, and take her side. He tells her so many private matters. He said I only speak to her because she listens.

Edited

Maybe you should listen and actually hear him and value him and he wouldn’t need to get that elsewhere….

Wellstonethecrows · 05/12/2025 22:57

I'm not surprised you are unhappy OP.

Your are his wife and his life partner.
You and he should be a team and should discuss family issues and work out joint decisions and strategies.
Instead he is freezing you out and he and this woman are having the discussions and making the decisions.

It is totally inappropriate . He is far too emotionally involved with this woman.
You need to talk to him about appropriate boundaries in a marriage.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2025 22:57

Why don’t you just say you think he’s having an affair?

Lmnop22 · 05/12/2025 22:56

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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Obviously pulling your kids out of school is an absolute last resort and I get that but if your DH is suffering from a stress related mental health crisis, you need to be more understanding. Telling him he has no choice because he has to work to pay the school fees is likely contributing to his overall stress level and making things worse.

Could you not work part time and retrain? Or work in your previous field as you get other qualifications? Or at least reassure your DH that once you have retrained he can take the pressure off himself at work and give a timeframe?

I would be careful to take this seriously as stress can be dangerous and he is suffering.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 05/12/2025 22:56

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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Stop retraining and get a job. Any job. And take your kids out of private school, needs must. It’s hardly fair to expect your husband to be the sole earner if he’s unwell. What if he becomes too unwell to work? You are also blackmailing your daughter, I agree with the colleague that you should respect her wishes The more you post the worse you sound.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 05/12/2025 22:56

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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Of course you can pull them out of school. People move their kids’ schools all the time. They’ll be far more negatively affected by dad having a breakdown or having to leave work because he’s sick while mum doesn’t work than they will by having to go to a state school so he can ease off a bit and be healthier and happier.

It sounds like your husbands colleague has his best interests at heart and you don’t give a shit about him… only what he can pay for you.

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:55

I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to share our marriage issues with a colleague, seek her advice, and take her side. He tells her so many private matters. He said I only speak to her because she listens.

OP posts:

BarbarasRhabarberba · 05/12/2025 22:54

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:43

Should my DH be telling his colleague all about our family issues and then taking her side??

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Yes, people are allowed to confide in their friends and agree with the advice their friend gives.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 05/12/2025 22:54

They’re friends and she’s right. And you do sound controlling.

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

Lmnop22 · 05/12/2025 22:50

But if he’s really unwell to the point he is struggling to work, is it appropriate to pile pressure on him to carry on to afford the school fees?

How unwell is he? Is it serious? Could you let him take some time off and take on extra hours yourself?

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It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

OP posts:

CypressGrove · 05/12/2025 22:50

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:47

And how appropriate is it for her to tell him that I should be pulling my weight, as he’s unwell but has to keep working to afford the school fees?

Well do you work? Do you have young children as well as the teenager?

Lmnop22 · 05/12/2025 22:50

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:47

And how appropriate is it for her to tell him that I should be pulling my weight, as he’s unwell but has to keep working to afford the school fees?

But if he’s really unwell to the point he is struggling to work, is it appropriate to pile pressure on him to carry on to afford the school fees?

How unwell is he? Is it serious? Could you let him take some time off and take on extra hours yourself?

Muffsies · 05/12/2025 22:48

How unwell is he, os it a long-trem chronic ilness, does ot afeect his daily life? What has been done, or could be done, to try to support him with his illness?

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:47

And how appropriate is it for her to tell him that I should be pulling my weight, as he’s unwell but has to keep working to afford the school fees?

OP posts:

Theslummymummy · 05/12/2025 22:47

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:43

Should my DH be telling his colleague all about our family issues and then taking her side??

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OK. Would you be bothered if it was a man?
I think he's entitled to share his problems with a friend. I don't really see it as him taking her side or your side. He's confided in her, she's given him advice and has taken it on-board. You don't agree with it which is a different issue. When it come to your daughter and the match, I agree with him. You can't emotionally blackmail someone into something they don't want to do.