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Original poster

DH and a colleague

331 replies

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:39

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

OP posts:
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Zerosleep · 13/12/2025 06:34

Jovilady22 · 10/12/2025 07:07

Well you never know that in a few years time the OP will be back moaning because DH has left her because she didn’t listen and want to change.

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Nasty nasty nasty……..

LAMPS1 · 13/12/2025 01:11

If he insists she’s a good friend and means no harm to your marriage , I’d be tempted to invite her round for a coffee or something and have a few pertinent questions or conversation starters ready for her, - in order to observe their interactions and levels of openness / discomfort.
You need to really take charge of this situation now OP.

Xkk · 12/12/2025 23:12

No worries OP, I hope kids are on the mend!

Original poster
Th8754 · 12/12/2025 23:12

As I said before, I am retraining and should start earning income when that’s done. The DH is still treating his colleague as his bestie, but honestly, he’s in a better mood. I am still unhappy about what she told him. I did what we agreed - I raised the kids while he worked on his career. I can’t magically know be making ££££. I asked him not to speak about our lives to her, but he says she’s a good friend and means no harm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Th8754 · 12/12/2025 23:06

Sorry for the radio silence. It’s been a rough week with sick kids.

OP posts:
Jovilady22 · 10/12/2025 07:07

GaIadriel · 07/12/2025 10:02

He should marry the friend. 🤣🤣🤣

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Well you never know that in a few years time the OP will be back moaning because DH has left her because she didn’t listen and want to change.

ainsisoisje · 08/12/2025 18:56

Any update OP? Any decisions?

Solerina · 07/12/2025 22:31

Wellstonethecrows · 05/12/2025 22:57

I'm not surprised you are unhappy OP.

Your are his wife and his life partner.
You and he should be a team and should discuss family issues and work out joint decisions and strategies.
Instead he is freezing you out and he and this woman are having the discussions and making the decisions.

It is totally inappropriate . He is far too emotionally involved with this woman.
You need to talk to him about appropriate boundaries in a marriage.

This.

Minglingpringle · 07/12/2025 21:22

I agree with the colleague about the match.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 12:32

Seidkonna · 07/12/2025 12:27

"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”. Denying basic psychology and human nature has never worked for anyone.

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I’m not sure what psychology books you’re reading (but if it’s Jordan Peterson, put it down) but I don’t think there are any that say having friends you confide in is immature and unacceptable.

Seidkonna · 07/12/2025 12:27

zaxxon · 07/12/2025 08:07

Well, I disagree with pretty much every sentence of this post. But arguing about it will get us nowhere. Clearly my relationships with both partner and friends are very different from yours thank God

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"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”. Denying basic psychology and human nature has never worked for anyone.

RandomUserName96 · 07/12/2025 12:27

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 22:58

I think it’s crossing a line to tell her all about our family issues and then seek her advice.

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This doesn't answer the question lol

Theslummymummy · 07/12/2025 12:24

oneinataxioneinacar · 06/12/2025 23:08

But you won't try and earn any money yourself to relieve the pressure? And you won't discuss moving them from private school even though the entire family sounds unhappy at present?

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She'll bloody have to when he leaves her and or has a heart attack from stress

Theslummymummy · 07/12/2025 12:23

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 23:12

He has other friends, of course, but he’s overly protective of her and listens to her too much.

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You only think he's listening to her too much because you don't like what you're hearing and she's calling you out for your bullshit.

supersop60 · 07/12/2025 12:22

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:05

He's not having an affair. But the level of emotional disclosure is worrying.

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This is how emotional affairs start.
I would be seriously pissed off if my DP starting saying things like ‘Zoe says you’re not pulling your weight’
He is confiding personal things, and having long phone conversations outside of work. Not good.

Grammarninja · 07/12/2025 12:10

He's talking to her because she listens and understands his perspective. I know you made decisions as a couple a long time ago but they're not working for him now and it would appear he's not comfortable talking to you about that.

justpassmethemouse · 07/12/2025 12:02

Slightly off topic, but I’m wondering what you are retraining as? Is it the best thing for your family if it’s not going to bring in enough money for it to be worth it?

Espressosummer · 07/12/2025 10:10

Disenchantedone · 05/12/2025 23:56

I'm with you OP. You decide if you go or not, or have a further discussion with your daughter to tell her how upset you are that she doesn't want you to be there. Take back the threat about the party though, tell her you just said that out of disappointment.
Your husband needs his mental health looked at and clearly sees this work friend as a bit of a security blanket. If the kids do have to change schools for your husbands health then that is for you and him to decide
I can't stand third party involvement getting a one sided view of the situation, she needs to fck off and mind her own business, not make assumptions on what you are doing.

That last bit of your post, isn't that exactly what you are doing? A 3rd party getting a one-sided view (the OPs) of the situation. Perhaps you should fuck off and mind your own business, not make assumptions about what the OP's husband or his colleague are doing.

GaIadriel · 07/12/2025 10:02

sandyrose · 07/12/2025 08:45

People saying he shouldn’t discuss these issues with a friend. Who should he talk to if his wife is not willing to listen but happy for him to make himself sick to pay for their lifestyle choices while she doesn’t contribute financially at all?

He should marry the friend. 🤣🤣🤣

sandyrose · 07/12/2025 08:45

People saying he shouldn’t discuss these issues with a friend. Who should he talk to if his wife is not willing to listen but happy for him to make himself sick to pay for their lifestyle choices while she doesn’t contribute financially at all?

IndolentCat · 07/12/2025 08:43

The fact that he told you he confides in her because she listens is, or should be, important information for you. It suggests you don’t listen, or that you don’t hear what he’s telling you, or that you dismiss his thoughts and opinions. None of those are behaviours of a supportive partner, and I wonder as well whether your relationship with your daughter is suffering in a similar way for similar reasons.

If your husband is already unwell because of toxic stress, that’s actually really threatening to your setup. If he breaks, he won’t be able to work at all. (Take it from someone who went through a breakdown.) Then what will you do?

In your position, I’d be seeing what work I could get around my training, or deferring my training in order to earn enough to support the family. I’d be re-evaluating the way we lived, seeing what areas we could make savings, like school fees or cars or groceries. You telling your husband to just get another job isn’t alleviating any of the stress on his shoulders, in fact it’s adding more.

Reading your posts, @Th8754 , my first thoughts were that it was a made-up post, you sound utterly deaf to reason and completely lacking in self awareness.

YellowCherry · 07/12/2025 08:37

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 23:34

I am retraining. I am a default parent. I told him to get a new job. There are no good state local schools nearby. What can I do??

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Does your husband have any suggestions about what to do? Could you move to a town with decent state schools?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 07/12/2025 08:33

BuckChuckets · 07/12/2025 08:25

You can retrain at a slower pace, while getting a job that pays now. Have you asked your husband what he thinks would help, rather than 'telling' him what to do all the time.

You're not listening to anyone here, so no wonder he's had to find someone else to confide in. You seem all about yourself, the poor bloke.

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This.

OP you're not coming across in a good light here

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 07/12/2025 08:32

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 22:50

As I said before, our family set-up is as it is. We agreed to it. I am retraining and hope to be making some money when I qualify. It won’t be a lot. I don’t know exactly what she told him or why, but it’s just not ok to ask his female colleague about her views. He calls her a lot, and I hear him laughing a lot with her, and he’s overly protective of her - telling her not to work late, etc. The messages were clean, but early mornings (6:30 am - 7 am) and late-night texts were work-stress-related. I can’t believe he told her about our fights and issues with our daughter, and then asked and listened to her views. That's not on
.

So tell him that you find the friendship inappropriate and he's to stop talking to her then.
If he says no, it's up to you what you choose to do going forward.

Just because you made an agreement previously, doesn't mean it can't change. Things change, situations change..... You don't want to change.

Your husband isn't well and is getting more and more stressed but you just keep thinking of yourself luv.

Great team player you are....

3luckystars · 07/12/2025 08:31

Th8754 · 06/12/2025 23:14

I stayed at home when the kids were young. I am retraining now, but he’s making so much more compared to me. I would never catch up. What am I to do??

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You better do something because he might leave you high and dry altogether if you don’t alter the ridged plan you made years ago (that only suits you and is making him
i)

You need to wake up. Your husband is unwell and you need to make big changes or the damage may be long term.