The mums are going out FOMO

Yes totally, I get sensory overload in busy places and socialising wipes me out due to fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety and I will over think about going, if I don't go I will feel sad, but everyone understands my position.

Do the others know you and how you struggle? Maybe you could explain to 1 of them who you feel would understand without judgement?

Maybe you can say yes and then on the day you can either go for it 'feel the fear and do it anyway' or you can text and say you are not feeling well enough to go.

Sometimes once you get out and go you forget, e.g the other day I went to the gym for the 1st time in a long time and nearly talked myself out of going, but because I went with my sister I had arranged it so had to go and I was so proud of myself for going, even though I didnt do much I got out of the house!

It is very difficult battling with your mind every single day, but sometimes we just have to push ourselves and tell our minds to sssshhhhh! 😄

It sounds like you have depression and GAD and this is presenting itself as rumination.

You’ve made a decision (perhaps built on hypothetical worry) but you are going over and over it in your head and on here. That’s the bit that’s the problem right now. If you google CCI you will find some really good Australian self-help reading material to help.

OP I know how you feel, I also am disinclined to do events like this plus my DS2 in particular was challenging (ADHD) so wouldn’t just sit and colour like other kids etc) - I felt it would be easy to become isolated because of these things so I used to push myself to do them. I had to put a lot of effort and energy into them, for example being sociable plus making sure DS2 was not being disruptive etc but still able to have fun - and I’m glad I did. However there are of course times when your own battery is too low to push yourself and you know best when that is.

I can relate. I'm not ND but I am an introvert. I would rather not to go social things at all but then worry about the fact I'm not going. I have to say, I have pushed myself on occasion and I do tend to find I enjoy it when I do go, but sometimes I just can't. This one does sound like a very large group, so you'd only find yourself chatting one or two people anyway that you're sitting close to. Maybe wait for a smaller mums only meet up to happen? Or just do some playdates?

I think it's great that you know your limits. Try to be kind to yourself and focus on the fact that you know you are low and will get through it in ways that feel right for you. Definitely no shame in talking it through with a professional if you feel up to that too. But overall, you are doing your best and making choices that feel right, there's something in that vs giving in to social expectations when it would just make you feel worse.

@Halfquarterbag and @tripleginandtonic why be unkind. There is no need! Are you unpleasant in real life too or just on anonymous forums?

I relate! I have missed so many things. If I do go I mentally tear myself to bits for weeks after worrying that I might have said too much,I am a nervous talker and am aware it must be a nightmare for anyone sitting next to me. As I have got older I decline most things as the worry beforehand is horrible. However I find if I am invited spur of the moment to something I go and have a good time.
Weirdly whilst I think I am socially inept other people often invite me because if I do go I will always be able to set others at ease. I haven’t any suggestions for you other than to say I understand!

I used to be like that and worry about missing out. Now I am older and wiser I am quite happy to miss out. It's better to get 2 or 3 friends of a similar mindset and get comfortable with them rather than big groups.

Totally feel this. I overthink everything and it’s exhausting honestly.

I am dreading ds going to primary school next year!!

This can be a busy , stressful time of the year anyway OP without adding more in. I would accept that this event isn't for you at the moment, look forward to doing some lovely things with your daughter at Christmas (crafts, baking movie nights) and possibly finding a small hobby group or book club perhaps to join in the new year . Kindest wishes x

I can totally relate. Firstly don't saddle yourself with Mum guilt on top of the overwhelm you are already feeling. Your daughter will be fine missing out. I promise. Family life has to work for all of you and it sounds like you've done an amazing job getting yourself on an even keel. I so know how hard this is and how easy it is to overbalance everything again. Id definitely do something else social that feels more comfortable for you. And maybe next year you can join in but this year its ok to socialise in a way that feels manageable.

I'm the same, if I commit to going out I then fret about what to wear, what coat to wear, where to park, what if I'm first there, what if I'm last there and have to sit at the end of the table, what if I knock a glass of wine over etc.

As a child, I was always being hen pecked about table manners and hearing gasps of horror from my Mum whenever I was chatting to people and I'm pretty sure that's wear it stems from.

I do force myself though as I didn't want DS to end up like me, you won't be the only nervous one, sometimes forcing yourself is the only way. Your kids won't be any more feral than the others either 😄.

I can relate. I say no to things because I know I’ll hate it - sensory and social overload. But then I get envious when I see pictures of people attending events and seemingly having a great time. I have to remind myself that we’re different people with different needs and different ways of enjoying life.

I found I was often doing things or going places I didn't really want to so that DCs didn't miss out on things. I often enjoyed them once I got there, just go, a room full of mums and kids no doubt there will be some drama but not necessarily your kids! You can always leave if it gets out of hand, sorry little Johnny isn't himself today....

Do you think the other 10 people who aren't going have thought about it this much? I doubt it, and I can guarantee there will be drop outs as the event approaches.

You don't fancy it, that's fine! With a sit down thing you only really get to talk to the people right next to you.

Sounds similar to me avoiding the work Christmas party then thinking about it non-stop and feeling alternately relieved that I’m not going and then sometimes that it could be fun and what’s wrong with me. I hate this inability to socialise unless I’m with close friends or family and utterly comfortable/myself. Hate it!

You need therapy. You are describing a high level of anxiety which is causing you distress and preventing you from socializing and receiving normal support from friends. You are self isolating, ruminating and worrying about future events, and probably overcompensating by cleaning and organizing more than is necessary.

Just say no. You have said you don’t want to go, your DD is a fussy eater, its not exactly the most child friendly thing going to a restaurant anyway- it’ll be more an excuse for the mums to have a glass of wine while the kids are communally occupied so I wouldn’t worry that you or DD are missing out, particularly if you are not overly friendly with these mums.

you don’t owe it to anyone, you are not being rubbish, you just need to trust your gut instinct that you didn’t want to go and that’s the right thing for you. All you are feeling now is people pleasing guilt. Mute the chat and wish them well.

Yeah I hated going out with the school mums! Couldn’t think of anything worse, tbh!
I prefer to go out as a family or with a small group of friends. I haven’t kept in touch with any primary school mums bar one.
I also get anxiety. Don’t feel bad, I expect a few of them going wish they’d said no by the time it gets nearer.

I truthfully don’t want to go but I feel I should be going

There’s your answer. You don’t want to go. Also although you have focused on the fact that 13 mums are going, 9 are not (and chances are that number will increase). So it’s not just you who isn’t going; others also have reasons not to go which could be quite similar to your reasons!

OP, sometimes in life we can only do so much. Focusing on yourself and keeping your environment organised sounds like a good place to start. You can progress to meeting people 1:1 and in small groups over time but many people would feel a bit overwhelmed doing out in a big group with children and find it too much.

What would you say to a friend in your situation? Be a friend to yourself and take that advice!

I’m like you. I dread going out in the run up to it but always really enjoy myself once I’m there. I would also suffer from FOMO if I declined.

I have a rule that I make myself go even if I really really feel like cancelling.

Not much related but thanks for this post!
I am a very sociable person and I notice there are mums who never join in or seem to shun social events etc and I always thought they feel to be superior and too posh. I am started to think they might feel like you. If this was the case I would understand and actually probably offer to bring their kids with me without them if the kids wanted to go and would miss out

It’s social anxiety. You need to be brave and face up to it and go, otherwise your daughter will suffer same anxiety as she gets older. Is there a mum going that you know? You could have a word with her to make sure you can sit near each other if things get hard for you. Your daughter will probably enjoy it and talk about it for weeks later. Good luck x

Also, sometimes when social situations trigger these feelings/doubts, it's because the situation reminds us of something from the past (maybe even from childhood) which made us feel excluded or like we didn't belong. So actually the feelings you are experiencing now may not even have much to do with the mums going to a restaurant without you. They may be old feelings resurfacing, if that makes sense. It can be helpful to just observe and 'feel' the emotions without judging them or trying to pick them apart.

Not everything needs or has a label OP. You sound pretty normal to me. I’ve not accepted invites that I don’t feel comfortable with. Just sounds like maybe you are a bit introverted and also anxious about your childrens’ behaviour and being judged by your peers? Don’t let your head get overly invested in it. Is there something on at the cinema on that day that you and your DCs could go to? Or some other event? Dont force yourself to do something that potentially will cause you lots of anxiety between now and then. It’s just not worth it.