To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

I'm a very private person. I'll happily talk (and listen) about what happened at the weekend but nobody really knows about my relationships or my emotional breakdowns or my biggest fears. It does make it hard to have deep friendships.

They sound a bundle of laughs not.

At work, I used to not share personal stories like my colleagues, because my background was different to theirs and I was a bit embarrassed and didn’t want to stand out for not having had experiences similar to theirs.

Then when I stopped working for a bit (to look after dc) I didn’t talk much about myself either as the phase I was going through didn’t feel like the real me - I felt in a ‘limbo’ for a while.
I kept telling myself that people will get the wrong impression of me if I told them more about myself, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I was listening to a podcast recently and they talked about wanting to ‘locate’ a person. The importance of knowing who is the person in front of you, what do they like, what is their identity,… and that made sense. We make connections with people who are open and honest about who they are.
So I think I did suffer by only revealing little bits of the whole me. Being a good listener is important but you also need to show people yourself before they can decide to hang around for longer.
How else are you going to meet ‘your people’?

Some people are naturally oversharers, some people are more reserved, you @TheTaupeMoose can only be described as obtuse!
I definitely sit in the reserved camp and have been described as quiet and ‘standoffish’ by others because I don’t immediately trauma dump on someone 10 seconds after meeting them but even I wouldn’t consider telling someone I’d seen a certain movie over the weekend during banal Monday morning pleasantries to be sharing private information…

I am having this issue at work. I don’t mind sharing about my weekend for example, like I had a nice walk and ate a local restaurant but I don’t want to talk about my family, childhood or money. Especially when everyone at work talks about each other and repeats everything everyone says!

I went to see the second installment of Wicked last weekend. I’m going to see the new Knives Out film this weekend.

This really isn’t a “detailed personal update” - I’m happy to share it with the entire Internet, which as a collective probably cares about as much as your colleagues.

But by saying ‘I was away for a bit’ you’re soliciting the question ‘oh really, anywhere nice?’

I think a psychologist would say you’re actually seeking attention in the form of trying to be mysterious.

I’ve known a few people like this and usually they feel their ‘private life’ is a bit dull or inferior to others in some way, so presumably think alluding to things but never expanding would make them sound more interesting.

Well you did ask op! Personally I think it all sounds a bit precious! You can share as much as or as little as you wish but the reality is that people aren’t really as interested as you think they are!

And giving that level of detail also has the advantage that nobody is going to ask a follow up question, whereas “I went to the cinema” is going to lead to “and what did you see?” - which is what OP appears to find intrusive if I’m reading her posts correctly.

I work with someone like you. They are really hard work as there is nothing to make connections with. They find themselves very isolated with other colleagues. All we know about the, is they have a partner and child. No other details about their life, their thoughts, their opinions, nothing.
Did you have a good weekend, colleague?
Yes thanks
Did you get up to anything?
Just had a quiet one.

This, literally every Monday. Sometimes they might mention the weather. Sometimes not. From a team point of view, it’s really hard to manage. How do you keep a team working well when one doesn’t communicate?

Each to their own but I really don’t think that answering ‘get up to anything nice at the weekend?’ with ‘Yes I went to see the second instalment of Wicked, I didn’t enjoy it as much as the first one’ is revealing the deepest intricacies of your private life.

The more secretive and guarded you are the more people will push, becuase it looks like you have something to hide!. You are actually creating the very situation you want to avoid by acting wierd.

What you can do without giving away personal information is be light and slightly vague.
"How was your weekend?" - You: Great thanks, went for a lovely walk in X park.saw X movie/Visited some family

What are they asking that you feel uncomfortble about? How blunt are they really being? Most workmates are just trying to make conversation and find a connnection, not asking for your life story or details of your sex life! (iI they really are asking inappropriately intrusive questions tell them to stop being nosy buggers and make a joke of it). Surely you can come up with some answers that bridge the gap between what you feel comfortable sharing and appearing open and friendly.

If it annoys you that they keep pushing, consider changing the way you handle this because you probably cannot change them. They'll be happy with your responses, back off and you won't feel you've shared something private you didn't want to.

Where did you get all this odd language about "personal diary entries" and "narrating your personal schedule" to refer to banal stuff like telling someone what you watched on TV yesterday?

Was it in a self-help book or Reddit sub or something?

I never ask if people have children or their relationship status. If they volunteer the information that's fine.

@Zempy I also don't ask people where they went to school, I'm in NI and it is unfortunately still a loaded question because education is so segregated according to Protestant/Roman Catholic faith.

The OP has mentioned quite a few topics they will talk about (albeit very generally). I'd be happy enough with that from a colleague/acquaintance.

Do you not do nuance?

There is a world of difference between narrating your entire personal schedule and always refusing to answer the question. For instance, you could say you watched a film but it wasn't your cup of tea.

I’m struggling to understand why you wouldn’t disclose what you saw yesterday if you’re happy to talk more generally about what you like. It’s (presumably) not some kind of state secret?

Up to you of course, but I’d find it a bit odd and off-putting.

Tbh that sounds fine to me, i might be interested in have you seen X film or do you know any good places in Y location. But the truth is in a work capacity I dont care about your weekend if we arent friends, general oh yes Z is a great author I like their latest is plenty small talk and info for me

As someone who cannot keep anything to myself, ever - I’m just here to take notes on how to stfu.

And you wonder why people think you are weird and standoffish.