To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

The thing is, being invasive about unimportant stuff does make you come over as a bit weird. I mean, how would it harm you to mention in general conversation that you saw, say, "Wicked" or "Nuremberg" yesterday? For travel, sure you don't need to say you're travelling on the 09.10 BA flight to New York from Heathrow airport on 12th January, but what's wrong with saying you're planning a trip to NY in the middle of January?

As people have said, being evasive about these things is iiable to make people think you are trying to make yourself out to be more interesting than you are - there's a vibe of "It's OK for you trivial people to share information about your holiday plans, but mine are too special and important for me to entrust that information with you." It's not like people are so fascinated that they're instantly going to spread all the information around their family and friends, it's just social chitchat.

So when they answer your question, and they proceed to ask you the same question what happens then?

You keep saying “paced” but what does “paced” mean in terms of having a conversation and getting to know someone?

You seem to be weirdly keen to emphasise how private you are and how right you are. My overall impression is that you’re hard work.

Do you have any new feelings about your social and interpersonal relationships after tonight’s discussions? Can you describe them if so?

Promise you that nobody at work is actually that interested, or gives a monkeys about you - it’s just small talk and team cohesion x

😂😂
do you want to join over sharers anonymous with me

I mean you don’t have to go into detail but people will think you’re strange if you don’t casually talk about your wider life in passing. It comes across as abnormal and secretive if you’re literally refusing to say eg where you’re from/ if you have any family or friends etc.

Like if people are chatting about the weekend and ask if you’re up to something and you just smile and refuse to say anything about it you’ll come across like you have a body you’re burying in the garden.

International woman of mystery

fair play
how exciting and intriguing

But how do you get to know anyone one well if you never share anything with them, do you just talk about the weather?
Or are you one of those people who expect other people to tell you about themselves then you will decide if they are good enough for you?

Agreed

How come you won’t answer this question? A few people have asked now. Would you answer it anyway? Or would you change the subject?

@TheTaupeMoose I’m intrigued, do you ask any of your colleagues and acquaintances any questions at all. How do you get to know people? Are you genuinely interested or not interested in other people?

No. I know where she lives and the houses are beautiful. It’s not that. It’s just what she’s like - it is on brand for her. She has always been private and guarded but I thought we had made some progress. I work very closely with her and it’s difficult when someone is that evasive which is why I did persevere.

Please don’t avoid having people over because you think your house is too small. Only a total dick would be remotely critical or judgemental of that.

But a film you watched at the weekend? How can that be " used against you"

Could this not have been because she felt ashamed of her house, but felt too embarrassed to say that? I know our house is tiny and I avoid having people round for that very reason....

" I just don’t share personal details early on. It doesn’t mean I dislike anyone or that I’m hiding anything dramatic, it’s simply how I’m wired"

The tricky bit I guess is that while you know this, others won't because you're leaving them to fill in their own blanks. As others have said that's kind of their issue but as people we tend to fill the blanks in with our own insecurities and worries at times so that's probably where the difficulty with relationships for others lies because you know they're emotionally safe with you, but they aren't really getting much from you to know that?

What I'm also wondering off the back of this , (just genuine interest because this is really different to how I approach life so trying to understand, not judging you for it) is what you consider "early on"? I get that it probably depends on the person but how long on average would you say you need to work alongside someone before you feel comfortable opening up more?

YANBU at ALL. When people know sensitive and personal information about you, they use it against you to hurt you when you fall out with them/stop getting on with them so much. Been burned several times in the past. I don't tell anyone anything now. They don't need to know anything private and personal. My personal and private life has got nothing to do with anyone.

It's more about the pattern of behaviour - I imagine if I was your colleague, I would come to learn that you don't get up to much on the weekend, but you might be open about the holiday you've been on or that you're getting a new kitchen fitted. I would find it standoffish if you never shared any superficial details of your life

Yes this is exactly why I was so hurt by my
work colleague not allowing us to come to her house (she suggested a cafe instead). I couldn’t really articulate it but this is it. I thought we were friends. Clearly this is not the case. And I’m not desperate enough to persevere.

Touché 😂