To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

I think you are suffering a bit from main character thinking here.

Honestly, OP sounds like a minor celeb treating her colleagues like paparazzi fishing for tidbits about her oh so interesting private life!

Most people's lives aren't that interesting to anybody else. Most people forget what you told them while waiting for the kettle to boil in the breakout room five minutes later. Or even less, if they've got distracted by their phone soon after!

People love talking about theirselves! It’s pretty easy to deflect a conversation back to someone who is asking the questions and have them leave you alone.

But equally it is difficult not ever quite getting to know someone if you have to engage in trust for any number of reasons.

I don’t really care what your favourite sandwich is or what you did on your holiday to Tenerife, but I would quite like to gauge if you’re a nutter or I can trust you in whatever capacity it is I happen to be having to even converse with you over in the first place.

I find this quite mean to be honest. As someone who finds small talk really hard (I get anxious about saying the wrong thing, actively try to come up with topics/openers, and psyche myself up to speak), my heart sinks when I encounter someone who doesn't give a tiny hook for the conversation to hang off. The message is that I'm not worthy of conversation, and you'll take awkward over any type of minor connection.

I currently work with someone who gives the types of answers you describe, and it's so exhausting to try to find suitable conversation they'll interact with week after week. What am I supposed to say next when someone gives you the vaguest answer? You either ask a follow-up question to try to find something to chat about, or you chat about yourself. I am not comfortable with either of those options, so what often follows is an awkward silence. Obviously, when you encounter people who try the follow up question route, you perceive them negatively. But they're probably just trying to avoid awkward silence.

I work in the same office as this person - I don't need to be friends, I just want to be comfortable to be in the kitchen at the same time knowing we can have a little chat about movies, music, hiking, local events or other small topics for 5 mins tree times a week.

I actually don't care about knowing anything over than the superficial about them - we're never going to be friends - I just don't want to feel awkward in their presence.

I think you are suffering a bit from main character thinking here. Most people are like me and just trying to keep a surface connection going.

If you don't want to give anything at all away, then I think it's on you to carry the conversation in another direction. Have your safe topics ready so you can jump in to to fill the void and avoid the follow-ups you don't want.

And reading some of the brutal comments on here is why I don’t share either!

I’m totally with you OP. I find it really odd that people want to know these things and would rather make something up than tell them anything. Monday morning are the worse when people ask what have you done at the weekend.
I don’t ask that from others either. It’s just a preference I think and up to you but it’s not odd to not want to share. People shouldn’t be so nosy.

Get over yourself

I also found it interesting why you found the need to reply to 30 people with exactly the same answer on this thread.

People will fill in the blanks (incorrectly) if you don't give them any real answers.

• christ she's probably up to criminal activity on the weekends

• maybe she spent all weekend in bed crying and eating ice cream
• maybe she spent all weekend in bed wanking

There was a similar work place chat thread the other day about non chatty women getting in trouble at work.

I have learned to file small talk under my Job Requirements. Talk some delightful fluff with the people that seem to find it important so I don't get marked as a difficult employee. People love talking about themselves. I just answer "oh it was a good weekend, went for a walk, saw some friends". Then let them wax lyrical about their amazing weekend catching up with every single family member in great detail and who drank what at the pub and Friday can't come quick enough aye? Smile and say got to get back to the grind lol. And do the actual job. Sorted.

@UpTheGunners Good call! Sometimes it can seem like posts on forums like Mumsnet are written by generative AI. People sometimes argue that certain linguistic and syntactical patterns sound like the text is not written by a human.

Would you like me to break down this thread, analysing the sentiment, and assess the likelihood of the posts being AI-generated?

😉😉😉

I’d find it really weird and if I’m honest, kinda creepy. I’d feel uncomfortable working with someone like you.

Like pp, I’d wonder if you were a spy but thinking about it, a spy would know how to make small talk, build trust, and blend in.

Instead, I’d probably think you were in witness protection or that you’d just come out of prison after serving a long sentence for committing a horrible crime and didn’t want anyone to find out your real identity.

Man, I'm autistic and hate small talk, but even I'd find this level of deflection and closed off-ness stand offish and I'd probably think that person felt they were too superior to engage with me. I'm not an oversharer at work, I avoid things like politics, but it does help to be a bit human, I don't mind chatting about hobbies, pets, holidays, bits of family life, etc.

This is why people are so bloody exhausting. You're supposed to show interest in people by asking them about themselves, but then it seems like to some people that's rude. Clearly some people like OP would find a basic follow up question if you said you'd gone to the cinema at the weekend about what movie you saw at the cinema too personal and intrusive?! How on earth are people supposed to be able to second guess what is and isn't too personal for someone with this level of discomfort with conversation?

I would probably avoid people like this, I have no time for second guessing people or being worried what sort of benign question might offend them. While the workplace chatterboxes might be a bit draining and overinclined to fill the space, at least they're easier to read!

I think OP is not wrong, but I also believe in balance.

It’s important to maintain a good relationship with work colleagues, and that doesn’t mean being overly sociable, talkative, or noisy. Keep communication clear and purposeful, with a hint of charm and charisma in just the right doses.

I’m naturally introverted and shy, but I become outgoing, chatty, and engaged around people I’m comfortable with. With those I don’t know well, I try not to seem cold or distant, though I come across that way because I tend to hold back. I’ll join in when others start a conversation and happily talk about ongoing topics if I have something I feel is worth sharing; otherwise, I stay quiet. I won’t share personal or intimate details with people I’m not familiar with, and I agree that there are plenty of things to talk about that don’t involve personal life.

Here’s a tip to anyone: avoid sharing intimate or financial details with anyone active on social media, including forums like Mumsnet, where many people enjoy judging, criticizing, mocking, bullying, or spreading hateful, envious, and jealous comments—and even encourage others to join in. Many have a habit of posting personal information about others, which could make you a target. That’s why it’s smart to check the social media presence of people you know before revealing anything private, to ensure they won’t broadcast your personal matters to the world.

Do you ask any question back? Maybe they push for details just because the conversation is going one-way and they're trying to find something to say.

Omg, who hurt you??! 🤣

Just kidding! We are all different, and it would be boring if we weren't. Probably your need for privacy and caution is simply a core part of your personality. It's just the way you are! I don't warm to overly private people myself, maybe because I know they don't really want others warming to them! There's nothing wrong with it - it's just a different style of relating. The only thing I can think of as a negative is that you might miss out on a lot of potentially close connections over the sum of your life time.

Speaking of connection, many people are hungry for connection since humans are a social species. So maybe that's behind "pushing for details," as you put it. To them, it's about connecting with another person, whereas you find it pushy. Vive la difference.

Possibly others think you're a spy or a double agent...

You still haven't answered how conversations go if you offer that you saw a film last night and someone asks 'oh what was it?'

It makes total sense to have boundaries and open up later about more personal things when you're closer to someone - but you seem to have a strange definition of 'opening up'. Opening up is disclosing something personal, like a close family member having a terminal illness or that you're estranged from your mother. Your examples of the questions they've asked are so strange and seem to just be general chit-chat?

How do you navigate conversations that must crop up at the minute such as 'Have you watched the latest episodes of Stranger Things? What did you think?' Does this count as oversharing to you? Because I've found a lot of your posts a bit contradictory with the whole 'I'm happy to talk about movies etc. but don't want to tell people what movie I saw at the weekend'.

People probably find it difficult because I'm struggling to understand your boundaries from your explanations, it must be so difficult to figure it out when speaking to you face-to-face.

Is the OP an A.I? The repetition in the responses is giving me bot vibes

I’m the same op, I was bullied badly by two women at work to the point of feeling suicidal. Now I’ll share very surface stuff and that’s it. And no I don’t care if people think I’m boring. I AM boring.

I would have been someone who would have said what I did at weekend etc. but as I've gotten older the people I speak with just want to get the questionable my weekend asked as a polite chat so they can dump on me everything that's happening to them. I now say "nothing much" about my weekend and brace myself to listen to their lives. I never minded being the listener until my own life flipped and when I spoke about a parent having a stroke/cancer etc and it was glossed over I realised majority of folk don't care so stick to my inner circle for personal chat.

I don't think you should have to share any personal information with anyone, if you choose not to. Casual acquaintances have no right to demand that you share your personal data with them.

Having said that, I think that you might have to accept that many people will find your rather extreme commitment to privacy a bit odd. You're going against some social norms. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but people will inevitably find it a bit unusual.

OP has actually been meticulous in not expressing "extreme anxiety" about this.

I mean, I think she's a long way up herself and annoying enough, without you needing making stuff up.

Beautifully put.

You are right in distinguishing. Its about who you sre talking to and what their motives are in engaging with you. Some will be genuine, others will be looking to find things to gosdip about or judge. It's hard OP.

I think it’s up to you, but relationships are that bit where you meet in the middle between giving and receiving

Be very careful. I am like you. I worked in a place where everone was very chatty. They were ok and i have veen friends with several of them for years. But there was one person in the group who really pushed the ' friendship' , asking intrusive questions etc. I am an honest person and i did let my guard down thinking maybe i was being too standoffish, but they then used things i'd told them against me later. I realised they werent a true friend but someone who wanted yo get inside other people's heads for their own purposes. Sure enough, they bounced from one person to anither trying to work out what made everyone tick. They didnt make proper friendships. So my advice to you is only open up if you can really tell that someone is trustworthy. You dont have any obligation to tell work colleagues your business..So long as you do your wirk to a reasonable standard that is enough.

There's light then there's insubstantial. You're closer to the latter and I'd find it very hard to connect with someone so closed up. How would I find out about your sense of humour or hobbies or whatever if you won't mention what you do with your free time?!