Partner's children ignore me/ don't want to know myself or my children.

I'm sorry I'm not really buying the narrative of the humble downtrodden older woman harshly judged but the rich younger woman. The whole tirade about how you're not into botox or Instagram leads me to believe that you look down on other women for living differently than you. I have a feeling that there is a whole lot more to the story that we don't know.

This won't change. We've been married for 30 years and his daughter treated me as if I was going to give her leprosy. I blocked her earlier this year and wish I had done it years ago.

I don’t think it’s about Botox and money and all the superficial stuff. I think she doesn’t like you and probably wouldn’t like any woman her dad was with so I’d work on that basis. If you want to stay with him, don’t expect this to change.

All you can do is focus on supporting your DP. You clearly have a lovely relationship, that he is protecting,. PPs say you don’t know her well, but he does and he has chosen to take a step back for a while. This is their issue and he has set his boundaries. I’m sorry this is happening to you both. It sounds very hurtful. Look after each other, live well and she may come around once she realises she won’t get her way. However, things won’t be the same. But maybe there will be a better balance.

They aren't married so there hasn't been a wedding!

OP, I'd be very wary about marrying into this family, I forsee a lot of bullshittery in the future.

Drop the rope. Just leave her to it.

This is dreadful op

I would suggest that he keeps both sides of his life separate then u never have to see her again!

what a brat!

To be very rude and a drama queen it would seem.

You seem to be very sure you know her well enough to describe her very negatively here, but at the same time are saying you can’t understand her negative opinion of you as you’ve only met 3 times.

Ultimately, it’s up to her if she wants to spend time with you. And up to your partner if he lets that get in the way of their relationship. I don’t see why he can’t just see her and his family without you sometimes (like that 17 person dinner he refused to attend without you), as long as he’s spending the important events with you.

Just had a thought, are either of your kids girls? Could it be that she is not only jealous of you but also of your kids having her dad effectively parent them through their teenage years that she perhaps did not have?

What’s wild to me is that you’re married, own property & have been together 3 years yet you only met her 3 times? Was one of those at your wedding?

Her behaviour sounds really childish and unnecessary, especially for her age. But I don’t think it sounds like your DH has handled this whole thing well at all, especially if he had been single for 10 years prior.

She’s a horrible bully

What a vile, controlling woman who doesn’t care a jot about her dad or his happiness. If she did she wouldn’t be doing this. She’s more or less blackmailing him. At least your dp sees it as it is.
I have experience with adult step children disliking me and things only got better when I stopped trying. Like you, I have my own kids and their happiness it’s what’s important.

You don’t really have to do anything except don’t blame yourself! I would encourage your dp to have a separate relationship with his children if that’s what they want and you enjoy your relationship with him and (presumably) your children. Don’t get involved.
However they may push him to choose and then he has a decision to make.

Poor dad losing touch with his son, now winners in this story.

In one way its nice you have clarity. No hints about her feelings, she has made it clear.

Why not? Don’t you think your DF should have any other relationships?

I don't think you can do anything other than accept it. Making attempts to build a relationship is more likely to give her more ammunition. They're adults, your DP is free to be with who he likes, it sounds like he has made his choice to be with you. Maybe in time the family will accept it.

Hmm..10 years is a long time to be single prior to you. Could it be a bit of jealousy I wonder, that he's giving more of his attention to you and your kids and not enough to them/grandkids. Not your fault of course but you could be getting the backlash from that. Their mum would obviously have her own perspective also. This could be rubbing off on them. I think it's perfectly reasonable to put your own boundaries in place. Still give them Christmas cards/presents etc but you don't have to put up with bad behaviour either

All i know of her are the meetings where she has focussed on all the.money she has and all the holidays and family get togethers on social media

This is nothing to do with money. I don’t think she doesn’t like you because she perceives that you are poor.

She talks about all her money, holidays and family get togethers and spreads it all out on SM because she has low self-esteem. She is insecure.

My guess would be that this insecurity stems from her parents divorcing when she was younger.

You coming along, stealing her daddy’s heart has triggered all those feelings of insecurity from 10 years ago and she is putting her dad in a position of choosing between you.

Personally, I don’t think there is anything you can do to fix this. The only person who could possibly try to fix this is your soon to be DH. I think he needs to tackle this head on. Reassure her that she is extremely important to him and that no woman will ever change that. But at the same time he deserves to be happy with a life partner and she should respect him enough to support his choices.

To invite all the family to a meal (presumably so she can share it on the ‘gram) and exclude you, is just a really awful thing to do. You’ll probably find that with a little digging, it’s not really about you but related to insecurities or jealousy or something. I’m really glad your partner is standing up to her though and declining to go to big family occasions if you’re not invited.

My only thought is that you could attempt to write your own letter and explain who you really are and that your partner misses seeing his grandkids. Explain you don’t need to be ‘friends’ but it would be good to have a civil relationship for the sake of your partner/her dad, who must be torn down the middle.

I have a friend who is in a similar position but her husband consistently gives in to the adult daughter. The daughter purposefully isolates her stepmother and refuses to speak to her. They’ve never had a cross word, it’s just that stepdaughter has always had dad all to herself and now doesn’t. My friend is now considering leaving as all this exclusion is incredibly painful and let’s face it, is really just bullying.

Sorry you’re going through this and ignore the regulars who turn up to threads like this, who just enjoy kicking someone who’s already down.

The manifesto seems extreme. I have 2 older step sons and a ds who was 16 when I met their dad. Their mum had died some time before. The oldest openly told me to f off from the very beginning (yes that was the mildest of the swear words) and we've had no contact from him for 8 years now. The younger step son was living with us until recently, he's 30. He ignored me completely and I ignored him. He chose to make jealous comments about my ds and we just got on with life as if he was a lodger. He's now moved out. There are no grandkids. Your partner needs to sort out what relationship he's looking for from his own family. If they don't like you, won't accept you, then so be it, you're all adults, there will always be other people who don't get on for whatever reason. Ignore her 'manifesto' and carry on with your own life. Your partner gets to have the relationship with you and it's then entirely on him what he chooses to accept or refuse.

She sounds absolutely terrible. Hopefully she may change as she grows older.

What were his previous relationships like prior to you? Or was he single all that time?

This is a sad situation. The daughter is clearly desperately Insecure about her dad's love which is why she's trying to shut OP out. And she's completely right to be - he's proved that by dropping her like a hot potato (and her children by the sound of things). He needs to make it clear that nothing has changed re inheritance and keep making a big effort to build bridges and see her without your and OP as pp have said you clearly dislike her. Try to see the wounded child beneath her bragging and insecurity and that might help. If her dad can show her unconditional love she may eventually come to accept you even if it takes years, but it all starts with him. You said you encouraged him to see her alone which is great but I would be explicit about things like the family party- that he really doesn't need to decline because you're not invited. Help him out of this loyalty tie so he can be the dad he was before