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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel really hurt by this?

38 replies

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:25

Met up with two longtime friends for drinks recently. We’ve not spent as much time together as I’d like recently but have generally stayed close in spite of the differences in our lives (I have a four year old child and husband, and aging parents living nearby - they are single and childless.)

The night itself was actually really nice up until the end. Conversation drifted onto relationships, money, roles etc. I mentioned that I’m doing more freelance work at the moment on top of my day job to bring more cash in (to pay off debts!), my husband is doing more childcare, and it’s working really well for us. When I looked at friend 1 she had a face like thunder and sighed in annoyance.
In the taxi on the way home I asked friend 2 what that was about, and she said friend 1 is finding buying a house really stressful and said I’ve had a “leg up” because my husband bought a flat with an inheritance as a deposit years ago (10 years ago to be precise - we’ve lived in two houses since and I’ve always paid 50/50.) I burst into tears because it really knocked me — it felt so cold, and I worried that this was the narrative being told behind my back. Friend 2 immediately backtracked and was lovely, and said she’d call me.
No phone call happened. I messaged friend 2 explaining how hurt I was. She replied nicely, said she values me as a friend, but framed it all as “different circumstances” and wanted to talk face to face. That was 3 weeks ago — I’ve heard nothing since. I’ve also since texted friend 1 saying I felt slightly hurt by her reaction after she reached out and have hit silence. Both friends are aware that I’ve had issues with my mental health recently so I’m really surprised by this - other friends I confided in say this is out of order and they might resent me or are in kahoots.

AIBU to take offence to this? The silence says a lot and it almost feels like they’re unwilling to even acknowledge the hurt their actions have caused. It’s hard to get over this as it feels so unresolved, but I probably will never know what’s really been going on.

OP posts:
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BillieWiper · 06/12/2025 10:47

So she's a bit jealous if you because she perceived it was easier for you to get a house. That's not the end of the world surely?

What are you meant to do? Tell your husband to give the inheritance to the cats home in case any property you spend it on causes your friend grave offence? I'd just forget about it.

TheMorgenmuffel · 06/12/2025 10:41

The best thing to do is to write the pair of them off.
Once shit like this happens, the friendship isnt worth saving ime.
Walk away.

Yogabearmous · 06/12/2025 10:33

its hardly a leg up. Someone close died and left your DH some money, which is very kind and comes from a place of love. What difference does it make to the friend ? She should be happy for you not scowling because you have something she doesn’t.

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 06/12/2025 10:15

Do adults ‘burst into tears’?

mydogisanidiott · 06/12/2025 10:05

You sound incredibly fragile OP. Step back. Wrap yourself in the warmth and love of your family and home.

if your haven’t, can you get some help from the GP for your mental health.

I have a beautiful house. Only because of my husbands hard work and being incredibly savvy. I am well aware of the leg up that I have had and how it is a struggle for others. BUT I wouldnt it want to be with people exchanging looks.

Everyone has struggles. We just don’t always see them. Look after yourself and now put this behind you and move on.

forget about these people for a while. Be civil and busy and when you are feeling stronger build the bridges.

unless of course you rely on them for other than social purposes.

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:23

KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 20:01

But you weren’t upfront, were you?
You asked the second friend why the first friend had given you a look - as though she’d know.
Were you trying to divide and conquer?

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Wow, you are on another level. The look and the audible sigh were pretty obvious, friend 2 and I even exchanged a look, so of course I’m going to bring it up. I’ve also since told friend 1 exactly the same as friend 2 assuming she would explain herself.

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KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 20:17

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:08

Nope, I did not, just assumed this is what the ‘leg up’ comment meant.

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How would it, if they didn’t know?

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:16

arcticpandas · 05/12/2025 20:12

They sound horrible the both of them. Whenever I feel jealous of a friend I force myself to tell them straight away. It gets it out, we can laugh at it and no resentment builds up.
@Cocteautwin6 You are clearly more sensitive than them and they are not very nice people ignoring that you were hurt. I would not see them again.

Thank you. They actually have really great sounding lives and go on lots of holidays etc, so I am always saying how jealous (joking!) I am of them as I have so little in the way of free time.

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Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:14

firstofallimadelight · 05/12/2025 19:36

Your friend is ridiculous even if your dh hadn’t had inheritance it was still 10 years ago it was easier to buy a house then. And what mean take to have that she begrudges you this.
But you had a big reaction, I would have been annoyed and called her out on her pettiness but i wouldn’t have taken it so personally . Why do you think it affected you so much?
And yes you are right they have clearly discussed this behind your back and shown resentment, friend 2 has also shit stirred a bit by betraying friend 1 confidence.
I think you need to consider if they are good friends to you because they don’t sound like it. You could call friend 1 and have it out with her and see where the land lies. But you may have to consider that these women are not real friends

I cried because I was feeling anxious anyway and the alcohol hadn’t helped probably. But it was a bit of a shock too.

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arcticpandas · 05/12/2025 20:12

They sound horrible the both of them. Whenever I feel jealous of a friend I force myself to tell them straight away. It gets it out, we can laugh at it and no resentment builds up.
@Cocteautwin6 You are clearly more sensitive than them and they are not very nice people ignoring that you were hurt. I would not see them again.

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:08

KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 19:44

How do they know so much about your finances, op?
You seriously told them how your dh bought his first flat? Talk about over sharing…

Nope, I did not, just assumed this is what the ‘leg up’ comment meant.

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FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 20:06

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:05

They’re both on the property ladder, friend 1 is selling her flat and buying a house. But thanks.

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Oh I see, I assumed she was struggling to buy her first place.

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:05

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 20:01

Try and move on from it, you had a nice evening up until then. Friend one doesn’t have DC yet, she probably doesn’t understand that having two jobs, a DC and mental health issues is really tough. On the other hand you may not completely get how hard it can be to get on the property ladder.

Edited
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They’re both on the property ladder, friend 1 is selling her flat and buying a house. But thanks.

OP posts:
ElizabethsTailor · 05/12/2025 20:04

They sound horrible TBH. Sounds like you’re genuinely better off without them.

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 20:03

ThisLittlePony · 05/12/2025 20:01

But why the tears? If it is true he got an inheritance, I would either not have talked about it, or said something about how would rather have had the person with me!

They don’t know about the inheritance - all they know is that he was able to buy a flat in his early thirties. I mentioned it as an aside here. Is that unusual?! I don’t think so.

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FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 20:01

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:58

They’re both slightly older than me. I’m definitely not smug, the main point I was trying to get across was my husband stopping up as we’ve had a rough time recently.

I mentioned the look as it was hurtful. But yes to drinking, plus my mental health hasn’t been great, hence the tears. I prefer to be upfront in my friendships but I agree that we’re not all the same.

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Try and move on from it, you had a nice evening up until then. Friend one doesn’t have DC yet, she probably doesn’t understand that having two jobs, a DC and mental health issues is really tough. On the other hand you may not completely get how hard it can be to get on the property ladder.

KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 20:01

Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:58

They’re both slightly older than me. I’m definitely not smug, the main point I was trying to get across was my husband stopping up as we’ve had a rough time recently.

I mentioned the look as it was hurtful. But yes to drinking, plus my mental health hasn’t been great, hence the tears. I prefer to be upfront in my friendships but I agree that we’re not all the same.

Show quote history

But you weren’t upfront, were you?
You asked the second friend why the first friend had given you a look - as though she’d know.
Were you trying to divide and conquer?

ThisLittlePony · 05/12/2025 20:01

But why the tears? If it is true he got an inheritance, I would either not have talked about it, or said something about how would rather have had the person with me!

Maybeitllneverhappen · 05/12/2025 19:59

They aren't real friends. I have friends who have very expensive homes plus holiday homes plus fabulous holidays. I am happy for them and they work very hard for them (plus some inheritances , but have lost parents /siblings so not great). I am only jealous of people I don't like!! 🤣 They are jealous of you; rethink the friendship.

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:58

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 19:52

Are they the same age as you?
Friend one sounds a bit jealous of you.
Maybe you come across as slightly smug, I don’t know.
It would have probably been best not have mentioned friend one’s odd look.
Are friend one and two closer to each other than you?
Had you all been drinking, if so maybe that made it all seem worse?
I think if it was me I’d just try not to think about it. Money, inheritances, property seem to annoy people.

They’re both slightly older than me. I’m definitely not smug, the main point I was trying to get across was my husband stopping up as we’ve had a rough time recently.

I mentioned the look as it was hurtful. But yes to drinking, plus my mental health hasn’t been great, hence the tears. I prefer to be upfront in my friendships but I agree that we’re not all the same.

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 05/12/2025 19:58

Of course friend 1 is jealous.

Is she happily single and childfree? If not them you're basically living her dream life

DarkSunrise · 05/12/2025 19:56

This is why you don’t share the details of your finances with anyone else.

Salaries, inheritances (which presumably means your DH lost a close family member), debts, savings etc are none of anyone else’s business.

My own parents don’t know that much about my finances let alone my friends!

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 19:52

Are they the same age as you?
Friend one sounds a bit jealous of you.
Maybe you come across as slightly smug, I don’t know.
It would have probably been best not have mentioned friend one’s odd look.
Are friend one and two closer to each other than you?
Had you all been drinking, if so maybe that made it all seem worse?
I think if it was me I’d just try not to think about it. Money, inheritances, property seem to annoy people.

KilkennyCats · 05/12/2025 19:44

How do they know so much about your finances, op?
You seriously told them how your dh bought his first flat? Talk about over sharing…

Original poster
Cocteautwin6 · 05/12/2025 19:44

Ocelotfeet27 · 05/12/2025 19:32

YABU. I get that you couldnt help crying but it is a very dranatic response when you clearly are in a privileged position versus your friend. You should be messaging both friends to say YOU are sorry, that you are struggling with mental health atm which is why you overreacted. You're sorry friend 1 is struggling. You need to stop thinking about yourself.

Wow, wild!

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