To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

If that’s true, then what’s the problem? He’s ‘with’ his DC for however many days, they can come to the house and help decorate? If you’re looking to include all the DC then you dont have a problem. Unless of course you are only referring to your DC.

Who is funding his hotel stays? You said you are the main earner. I hope not you.

This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.

That’s not set in stone, though. Just move it to a different time that works for everyone.

Timeline OP provided:
-Just over 3 weeks ago on 12 Nov she had a breakdown and discussed or threatened suicide.
-The next weekend on 21 Nov and the weekend after that her DH took his 8 and 9 year-olds to a hotel instead of having them at the house, though on one of these weekends OP's own DC would have been at their dad's not at home.
-Tomorrow is the third weekend he was planning to see his DC at a hotel and OP wants him to shorten it to provide more emotional support to her.

I'm not so sure that this is about conflict between the two sets of DC.

From her latest updates I think that this weekend will be the 4th weekend in a row that her DH has gone to a hotel with his children. Before that his DC were still coming to hers theirs as was the usual routine. But I am still confused about a couple of things: one being, does the DSC's mother never want to have them at home with herself for a weekend - if not then I would be more worried about their mental health, as it must seem to them like their DM doesn't want to spend any fun time with them, and two: the OP's DH apparently sees them for one day midweek - the OP hasn't mentioned the midweek stay icludes another overnight stay with them (presumably that would entail at least one other night in a hotel) -so he sees his DC for a day during the week, but surely they are at school during the week? Like I said, I am quite confused by their set-up, which may be just because I don't understand it?

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread OP.

I think you need to think hard about what’s best for you and your own dc here. As hard as it may be I fear that your dh and the situation with his dc are making your mental health issues worse? He isn’t really supporting you. Do you really want to continue this way? Because I fear it will just get worse. Trying to blend a family is almost impossible especially with teens. I am not sure I could put myself or my dc through it. I was a step parent for many years, it was hard work and eventually it broke me. Being aways from it now with just my 2 dc is so much easier, I don’t think I could ever be involved with someone with children (under 16) again.

3 weekends, not a whole year.

But the OP wants him to cut down the next weekend by one night.

I'm not sure what would happen the following weekend or the one after that.

No. He's done it for the past two weekends.

I think this is unfair.
The children should be able to see their parents’ wedding photos. They should be allowed to ask questions. They probably mentioned about their parents getting back together and the relative said “Oh that won’t happen, darling. Everyone has moved on and is happy. Your dad is married to Breakdown2025 now”

You can’t refuse to have conversations with children.

He takes his kids to a hotel every weekend instead of dealing with their behaviour properly and putting boundaries in place? And this has been going on for a whole year?

He is a shit dad and a shit husband. It sounds as though you would be much better off without him.

Yanbu. Asking your husband for help when you’re literally suicidal isn’t unreasonable. Nor is being annoyed that when it’s your kids time off he’s not there with no exception. Could you send your kids to the hotel too for a break?

While I do sympathise with you, having experienced episodes of poor mental health in the past, I think you need to accept that your husband is going to be away for the weekend and come up with a mental health crisis plan. This is what I have done in the past and is an important means of managing your own mental health proactively. Google 'mental health crisis plan ideas', the AI result is pretty good and will provide you with a useful template. I'm glad you are starting therapy on Tuesday but this won't be a quick fix and so I think you need to learn to manage your condition as best you can and accept that others can't always be on hand to support us as much as we'd like them too.

OP, this all sounds like a difficult mess of a situation and I think any attempt to pin the blame on one person or thing is going to be harmful not helpful.

But I do think that it's worth acknowledging that you had a breakdown and threatened suicide and the next week your DH chose to start seeing his DC away from the home. And after two weekends of that you're already asking him to make changes to emotionally support you. I think there are a lot of people who responded previously without an understanding of the timeline or how short of a timespan this hotel arrangement has actually been going on for.

I'm glad you're starting therapy soon and I hope it helps. I do think you should talk to the therapist about this situation and what sort of family counseling and parenting help might be helpful next steps - it's very true that this isn't sustainable or ideal long-term. But in the meantime I think you should let your DH go see his DC as planned.

Absolutely. And the hotel weekends are just ridiculous

I’m sorry that you are struggling. Am I right in interpreting that your hubby started the hotel thing with his kids 4 weeks ago and 3 weeks ago you had a mental health breakdown?

I agree. I think you all need a total reset. The hotel weekends stop. The SC come to you for weekends and you all work hard - with professional help - to make this blended family work, with very hard boundaries set. Your husband doesn't get to do the Disney act any more. But this will only work if he's 100% on board. If not, I worry this ongoing set up will harm your mental health even more, and you deserve more than that. You may have to cut your losses and leave.

OP can you tell us about your teenagers and why one of the reasons for the kids being moved to a hotel, was because they wound them up?

What exactly happened that caused this extreme reaction?

Did one of the teens retaliate and now their mum is insisting they're not allowed at yours?

Could your DH be keeping this from you?

Have you post this before prior to the hotel?

Im sure there was a op last year who had moved on rather fast, new husband was useless with his children, she had mental health issues, older children with Sen and was the breadwinner.

If you are then You should have left back then.

If not, then don’t waste your life with a man who is a ineffective parent to the extent that his children can’t be in your shared home and that your mental health is spiralling and your children are suffering because of it.

You both need to put your own children first and in this case that means separation realistically.

YANBU.

If you can’t lean on your husband for support every now and then, then somethings not right. He’s obviously dedicated to seeing his children which is great, but one weekend (unless that’s the one he’s using the celebrate Xmas with his kids on?) isn’t going to make any difference to the kids but could make a huge difference to you.

Wishing you all the best OP. Your kids need you be ok - make sure you reach out for help if you start to feel suicidal again. Go to A&E if you have to. Lots of hugs and support.

I think I’d be very resentful towards DH. He’s not exactly fighting for you is he.

All very well saying it's only once. But the arrangement has only been in place a month. The kids need to see their dad and their mum doesn't need to accommodate OP.

The boundary set was he wouldn’t see them as much. Stupid thing to threaten and an obvious one to not expect him to stick to

I think it's a really bad idea for posters with fragile mental health to post on AIBU, and I think you should ask MN to move this to a different section - chat or step-parenting.

I'm almost always on the side of the children in these posts, but in this instance I don't think YABU and I do think you're getting some real venom that could be damaging if you're already struggling.

Sending a hug.