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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was DD rude

184 replies

Reino · 04/12/2025 19:57

DD is 23 and is briefly living at home between gap year and moving in with her boyfriend in January.
On Sunday DH and I had some guests over, they arrived at 11, left at about 8pm, didn’t have dinner but did have lunch (we ordered it in). DD knows the guests well, would class them as family friends.

DD and her boyfriend didn’t come down stairs until about 3 o’clock, then they sat with us all, drank some wine small talked etc, before going back up to her around about 5:30. At 7pm her boyfriend came back down to collect their food delivery from the door, they hadn’t checked with anyone if they wanted anything ordered.

YANBU - They were rude, they should have come down and said hi much earlier and had lunch with everyone, or they should have checked if anyone else wanted food ordered.
YABU - They didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t their guests, so not their job to accommodate them.

OP posts:
DaniO2 · 05/12/2025 16:05

CherrieTomaties · 05/12/2025 03:22

Don’t be ridiculous 😂

It’s not my children’s job to ask me if I want anything adding to their takeaway order whilst I’m downstairs hosting friends. I’m an adult. I can make sure myself and my friends can order our own takeaway.

And are you just saying this because you’re an entitled control freak?

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Do you not bother to get your kids anything from the takeaway when you place an order then? That seems really odd. But then I suppose people can be very insular even in families. Sad way to live. But I guess it takes all sorts.

It's no one's job to do it. It's just basic politeness (plus the fact you'd avoid paying two delivery charges if they do want something).

Name calling? "entitled control freak?" Bless. But I don't think you understand the words you're using. Maybe look them up.

BunnyLake · 05/12/2025 12:35

TacCat49 · 05/12/2025 04:41

I consider your DD and boyfriend to be very rude. They are living in your house. I think you need to have a talk to them both about good manners and expectations when they are living in your house.

Hmmm. Totally disagree. These were guests of the OP, it’s not her dd’s job to host OP’s guests, that’s absurd. How about OP’s manners towards her guests?

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2025 12:30

amber763 · 04/12/2025 20:00

When i was in my 20s id not have wanted to sit for 9 hours with my parents friends. I dont think she did anything wrong.

This.

Why should they buy food for your guests?

BunnyLake · 05/12/2025 12:29

Whatnowitsdday · 04/12/2025 20:17

I definitely think they were rude to order a delivery without asking if anyone else wanted anything.

Why should they? When my young adult son had his friends over they would order a takeaway, I didn’t need to be included. And who would be paying?

ohyesido · 05/12/2025 12:26

11-8 is a long time to not serve any meals. I doubt it occurred to your DD or her BF to ask

BunnyLake · 05/12/2025 12:26

You sound ridiculous. Why on earth was it their responsibility to check if your guests wanted to eat?

Your YABU option shows quite clearly you know you are wrong.

Hedgehogbrown · 05/12/2025 12:09

If she had her friends round for 9 hours, would it be rude of you not to go and spend hours chatting with them, then sort your own dinner out without offering to feed them all? If not then this shows that you still think she is a child that you can control. In my experience people with parents who obsess over what's rude and what others think tend to hot foot it away from the stifling tone they find themselves subjected to when around them, and never see their parents for that reason.

Mt563 · 05/12/2025 11:58

Honestly, at her age I think she behaved exactly as expected and pretty well. She came to say hi once she was ready and respectable, stayed for a good while then kept out of your hair.

I'd never have offered your guests food if I were her, that's so odd. It essentially suggests she doesn't think you're feeding them enough and they might need her to get more food from outside, to make up for your poor hosting and planning. That's rude to me.

IamnotSethRogan · 05/12/2025 11:50

So she waa hungover on one of her only days off, still spent a considerable amount of time with you and your friends then left and ordered herself some food.

I dont think she was rude at all and I would have assumed you'd have food sorted for your guests so it wouldnt occur to me to offer you some.

fatphalange · 05/12/2025 11:46

Reino · 04/12/2025 21:28

DH and I felt DD had been rude, we would generally expect our children to come and say hello to any guests soon after they arrive. Generally speaking irrespective of guests are present or not I believe the polite thing to do when ordering food is to check with anyone else home if they would like anything added.

DD feels she wasn’t rude as they had been out the night before and didn’t wake up until 1, she said it then took them a further 2 hours to both get showered, get dressed and feel alive enough to come down and say hello. She claims she didn’t ask if we would like anything added to the order as she was unsure what our dinner plans were and didn’t want to offer ordering if we had planned for the guests to leave before dinner.

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You’re being bonkers. You had a takeaway, snacked all day and then expected your DD and bf to order you and your guests another takeaway just because they were sorting their own dinner, politely out of your way as you entertained.
Would you not have been mortified if your DD had asked your guests if they wanted feeding? You’d have been complaining she was ‘rude’ for suggesting your entertaining was lacking or saying ‘how did she know we weren’t trying to wrap the day up and we’re trying to get the guests to leave? Thanks to her we’re stuck with guests for another couple of hours at least’

HonestBrickQuoter · 05/12/2025 11:39

IngridBergmannn · 05/12/2025 01:13

Yea, see, I'm from a very similar culture food-wise. Not Irish, but similar.

You come to visit, tables groaning, and if it's any sort of occasion, then it's a godawful amount of food, food-enough-to-feed-two-armies feasts. And the 'go on, go on, please have this and that, come on, come on, you hardly ate a thing, don't be shy, eat this' ad nauseam.

I. FUCKING. HATE. IT. Leave me the hell alone you goddamn gluttonous pigs, just how MUCH you can possibly eat, just eat, eat, eat and shove it on everyone, all celebrations or meetings are spent sitting behind a table and gorging on food. Oh but you haven't tried this yet, oh you just MUST try that! No I fucking mustn't, leave me alone.

Give me OPs all day booze with a takeaway or two biscuits and tea any day. Anyway, her guests had lunch, then snacks and dinner at their own home, that's more than enough food for a person.

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The difference is- if you go to a place that has lots of food, you can choose to not eat it! Simple! Whereas if you go to a place that has NO food (or not enough) you just stay hungry- you have no choice.
In any case: you clearly have serious rage issues regarding food/your culture, so I think maybe better for me to back away from interacting with you. I wish you all the best.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 05/12/2025 07:31

Pollqueen · 04/12/2025 23:29

Oh no no no. Not unless your opinion concurs with the OP. Don't you know the rules? 😂

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🤦 silly me, been here enough years you think I'd have learnt that one by now.

FWIW, you're welcome though @Lamentingalways 😘.

Bringemout · 05/12/2025 06:31

I would expect mine to say hello when the guests arrived and then politely excuse themselves. I would expect them to ask if anyone wanted anything.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 05/12/2025 06:30

I think what they did was ok, OP. Other than with my two, I'd say they would come and pop their heads round the door not long after people they know well arrive. Then the rest of it is fine.

Luckyingame · 05/12/2025 06:29

No, they weren't "rude".
🙄

Blizzardofleaves · 05/12/2025 06:27

I think this boils down to the fact the friends overstayed, op didn’t provide enough food and was embarrassed by the take away arriving for her dd.

Next time either bring proceedings to an end after lunch, or ensure you have enough food available if you expect tour friends may very well stay longer that you anticipate.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/12/2025 06:20

The flip side of this is all the threads I've read where OPs have been invited to spend time with their friends only to find their friends teenage or adult child tagging along. This doesn't go down well as the people have wanted to socialise with their friends without having to filter conversation for an awkward tag along. I think OPs DD was right to give her parents the space to chat with their friends.

TheLemonLemur · 05/12/2025 05:57

Interesting you think dd was rude - wonder what your guests made of 1 lunch and a few snacks in 9 hours. Why should your daughter order and pay for potentially 4 extra adults dinners when all she did was be polite to your guests then give you space to entertain she didnt invite them. I think she acted how most parents would hope their dc in 20s would act!

Blizzardofleaves · 05/12/2025 05:43

Totally standard. I would be pleased they joined the late lunch, They are your guests op, not theirs. They were polite and well mannered.

Did you expect them to sit there for the full 9 hours?! That would have been annoying,, as no doubt you would have liked the chance to spend time with your friends unencumbered.

TacCat49 · 05/12/2025 04:41

I consider your DD and boyfriend to be very rude. They are living in your house. I think you need to have a talk to them both about good manners and expectations when they are living in your house.

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 04:23

It was very well mannered of them to just politely stay out of the way where they were bothering nobody and later feed themselves after politely spending at least two and a half hours with the people you invited. That is a LONG time to sit with your mum's pals.

They probably assumed that these people would have left after lunch, and when they just kept hanging around felt they should come down and speak to them.

Your guests, your problem how to entertain and feed them.

Your guests overstayed their welcome. Your daughter did nothing wrong.

CherrieTomaties · 05/12/2025 03:22

DaniO2 · 04/12/2025 23:20

OP, you're definitely right about this. Asking if anyone else wanted to add to their food order would have been the polite thing to do. It's understandable they may not have wanted to spend the whole time with you, but just popping down to say hello and checking before doing their own food order would have been nice. You sound like a really good mum. And I don't think your daughter probably meant to be rude. She just didn't think.

@CherrieTomaties Are you just saying this because your kids never bother to ask you if you want anything?

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous 😂

It’s not my children’s job to ask me if I want anything adding to their takeaway order whilst I’m downstairs hosting friends. I’m an adult. I can make sure myself and my friends can order our own takeaway.

And are you just saying this because you’re an entitled control freak?

onetrickrockingpony · 05/12/2025 03:10

Curious as to whether you’d considered ordering for your DD when you ordered the lunch in. You’d already had one takeaway, it would have been really really bad hosting on your party if you’d been forced to order in for two meals.

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 02:37

I’m always interested in what the Op thinks on threads like this.

What do you think OP?

GravyBoatWars · 05/12/2025 01:53

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/12/2025 00:47

YABU

This is on a totally separate note, it seems a bit soon for your DD to be moving in with a boyfriend when she hasn't lived independently first. Is her boyfriend living with family or what's his current living situation?

I personally feel it's very important as couples moving in together straight from having lived with parents can be a bit of a disaster.

ETA I'd be embarrassed to order food in for guests, maybe it's an English thing to do that, but I'm Irish and we provide a full spread for all guests, even unexpected ones. But as another has pointed out on this thread, and as I've experienced living in England, people are very inhospitable here with guests. If you're lucky enough to get offered a cuppa tea, and you say the polite "no", they don't insist (think Mrs. Doyle), so you actually end up with no tea, when you'd have accepted on the second ask.

Edited

OP says she's 23 and "briefly" living at home in between a gap year and moving in with her bf. Sounds like she's post-uni and has indeed lived on her own.

I don't think "she's too young to move in with her bf" is relevant but her age and the fact that she's been living off as a young adult probably is somewhat to her mindset differing from OPs. At that age it's the norm to have house/flat-mates or be in student residences where everyone is living independently in parallel under one roof. The standard of being pleasant but going about your business while giving others in the house space to do the same likely feels more natural to the DD right now than the OP.