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Original poster

We need to talk about men needing to be partners, not 'providers and protectors'

342 replies

Echobelly · 04/12/2025 19:32

I see a lot of messaging, especially in the 'manosphere' but some outside it too that men's role in relationships is to 'provide and protect'. In this day and age, though, that's an outdated model. Marriage has for a very long time not been the only way for women to get money to pat for anything, so we're not going to swoon over a guy just for earning money. For most couples, both need to work, plenty of women now outearn men and men can't expect to be forgiven having to give any help at home because they are out 'providing' (this was never a particularly fair deal anyway given women's unpaid labour). And we're not going off to war every 5 minutes these days, so the 'protect' part seems a bit redundant, especially when we know that intimate partners are the biggest risk to women.

But too many people still talk about things as that's all women want or need and - a man with a job who might be able to shout threateningly if you happened to have a break in at your house. And it sets men up to fail because the parameters are so different from the world this idea was based on.

I think a key source of disappointment and disillusionment for women is men just not being real partners in a relationship and as parents. And it seems they need to be told this - to know that their wives/partners are working (whether earning or not) and you don't just get to come home and say you're too tired from 'working hard' to help. Or that if you don't have kids, female partners aren't there to run your life with you or do all the management of your family and social life. Men need to be full participants in relationships, not virtual bystanders whose only job is to bring in money - and the way we talk to men and boys and bring up our kids should reflect this.

OP posts:
Bambamhoohoo · 04/12/2025 20:43

They’re by no means uniform or perfect but I’m sad that our gen x/ early millennial men have been on the path to this.

They are the generation of paternity leave! The generation where men took Fridays off and danced with their daughter at baby ballet (my DH!) the generation that changed nappies. The generation of manscaping, David beckham, the metrosexual. Men who lived alone before marrying! Men who would buy your tampons. It seemed such a huge step forward compared to my say dads generation.

but of course, it was too much too soon and their sons pushed back with the manosphere.

Lemonysnickety · 04/12/2025 20:41

For many men who want to provide and protect there are women who want to SAH. As long as they attract each other, have at it I say. I find given how precarious I’ve seen life be that it is an incredibly risky strategy for so many, many reasons but there are people who completely sail through life with minimal adversity and if you are one of those then good luck to you.

It absolutely is not for me though, I absolutely love my job, I have loads of time off and I’m paid well which for me feels like the best of both worlds and DH s a partner not a provider/protecter and thankfully that works for us.

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 20:41

It's easy to men can change but i prssume of a woman wants to be old fashioned wont be attracted or want to be in a relationship with a 'changed' man

If a woman believes they need to stay home and play house why would she have a relationship with man who beleives women are mature capable adults of standing in theit own 2 feet and acting like a grown up

FracasFracas · 04/12/2025 20:39

I agree, @gannett — but I don’t see any women who are seeking ‘providers and protectors’ in my real life. Or indeed know any men who think that’s their job. I’ve known more longterm SAHDs than SAHMs.

It certainly never occurred to that my career was optional either because I was a woman, before or after marriage, or because I had a child. DH is my life partner, not my provider/protector. I’ve earned since I was old enough to be paid, and I don’t need protection. He has my back, but that’s different.

FirstCuppa · 04/12/2025 20:38

I agree but I don't think it will happen. Sounds a bit harder than the "just do your 9-5 darling and shout about immigration to the telly" they are used to though. They might have to think of someone else (regularly!) and do a lot more in general. Of course men know, even if deep down, women do care work for their families as well as official paid work. If we didn't the whole country would grind to a halt. Make them responsible for their own parents for starters!

My daughter knows never to rely on a man as none have been great role models, so the current men aren't helping themselves or the next generation of boys either.

gannett · 04/12/2025 20:36

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 20:33

@Twistedfirestarters Still, so many women do. We have a long way to go.

Yeah I think men are conditioned as much by the dating market as their old-fashioned upbringings.

Justacigarette · 04/12/2025 20:36

Echobelly · 04/12/2025 20:26

Oh yeah, it's going to be a lot of work. I'll admit we failed with the gender-equitable parenting. DH does about 900% more domestically than my dad ever did, but then my dad really didn't do much on the caregiving front at all - was a great dad in other ways but not much help to mum. But I still ended up the default parent in our home.

Our son is very empathetic, but also scatty like his dad but I hope, as he gets ready for relationships, to teach him the lesson that women don't just do stuff at home because we like it and he needs to learn to notice things and deal with them, and to get up and do something if his partner is running round doing stuff while he's 'trying to relax'. She's probably 'trying to relax' too, just she can't do it until more stuff is dealt with!

Oh @Echobelly i expect great things from my husband.

he is definitely a partner, but not really a provider (he works, but I outearn him), and im not really sure who he has needed to protect me from in the last 20 odd years.

but, he is definately my partner in life and in parenting

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 20:33

@Twistedfirestarters Still, so many women do. We have a long way to go.

Twistedfirestarters · 04/12/2025 20:32

I can't believe that we even need to have this conversation in 2025 tbh. I absolutely want a partner not a protector/provider. It blows my mind that any woman would disagree with that.

Mrsnothingthanks · 04/12/2025 20:29

I think if truth be told some women simply don't want to go out to work - so they look for a husband to provide.
Dangerous strategy.

Original poster
Echobelly · 04/12/2025 20:26

Oh yeah, it's going to be a lot of work. I'll admit we failed with the gender-equitable parenting. DH does about 900% more domestically than my dad ever did, but then my dad really didn't do much on the caregiving front at all - was a great dad in other ways but not much help to mum. But I still ended up the default parent in our home.

Our son is very empathetic, but also scatty like his dad but I hope, as he gets ready for relationships, to teach him the lesson that women don't just do stuff at home because we like it and he needs to learn to notice things and deal with them, and to get up and do something if his partner is running round doing stuff while he's 'trying to relax'. She's probably 'trying to relax' too, just she can't do it until more stuff is dealt with!

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 04/12/2025 20:20

Mmmm, I tried that OP. For two solid years after our ds was born and my ex morphed into 1950s man. I explained over and over that I was working full time just the same as him , and saying he couldn't help at night or change a nappy because 'he worked' didn't cut it, that he needed to share the load.

It didn't make any difference. After two years I gave up.

I suspect it will take generations of 'telling ' to change some men's minds. My ds will hopefully be different, having grown up away from his dad.

Original poster
Echobelly · 04/12/2025 20:09

Not to my knowledge 😁

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 04/12/2025 19:59

Are you 3 popping in from a parallel universe?

Original poster
Echobelly · 04/12/2025 19:53

Really, I've not noticed a tendency towards that thinking. I mean there are some people but I'd think most people would agree that the provider/protector thing has not done women and relatuionships much good.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 04/12/2025 19:51

No chance that will go down well on here

gannett · 04/12/2025 19:48

You're completely correct but MN is not the kind of site where that goes down well - MNers love their traditional gender roles too much. I dare say someone will be along talking about how men are evolutionarily programmed to be providers and protectors any second.

The emphasis on providing and protecting also makes men worse partners. If they're conditioned from an early age that the best things they can do as men are to be strong and earn money, that kind of "hyper-masculinity" (all scare quotes necessary) is not going to lend itself to sharing the domestic load (which, in the provider-and-protector world, is what women are evolutionarily programmed to do anyway).

It's also worse for society as a whole, given that the logical conclusion of providing and protecting is to be a violent ultra-capitalist who's happy to use his fists to exploit those weaker than him.

Men need to unlearn their traditional gender roles in the same way that women have unlearned a lot of ours.