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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not coping

40 replies

NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 14:47

Hello all,

I’m doing AIBU for traffic, but really I’m just reaching out.

As the title says, I’m not coping very well. We have a baby a little over a year. My husband is starting a business. I was made redundant around when I was meant to be returning to work. No family nearby. I’m not close to my parents-in-law (we can’t really speak) as we don’t speak the same language. I feel under pressure to learn it, but am not managing. I want to learn it.

My mum doesn’t really visit and I’ve now got to the point where I don’t think I can even say I’m not coping well to her. When I previously asked for help (I mean when the baby was very young, just to spend time with us for 1 day,) she said ‘I never had any help.’ I can’t video call her or send photos by email or phone as she won’t use a mobile like this or email. She’s not old. I don’t have a dad or siblings. We visit my mum as often as possible. It’s not close, but it is very doable. It doesn’t really elevate me though, as in the day she wants to sit with the curtains closed etc. it can be a bit of a heavy environment. She will go out, but she doesn’t really enjoy things much. I have suggested she talk to someone and been very supportive, I’ve done all I can over the years and continue to try.

I make a big effort to meet people, but I just haven’t been able to make a group recently (old friends in different areas.) There isn’t consistency.

I don’t know who I reach out to anymore, I feel I’m bothering people. My husband is busy with work, so I feel defeated by all the things to do.

I just find I’m not coping. I don’t know who can help. I’ve tried therapy (still seeing one occasionally.) I’ve tried mum support groups. Making local friends. Seeing old friends. Recently someone suggested I go to church, I’ve tried that. I’ve done other spiritual things.

The bottom line is my husband and I are very much alone with our baby, no family are coming. No one is coming to be here with us. Even I met someone recently who said ‘you can always video call’ but I can’t even do that. It feels desolate. Kind of endless silence. I’ve struggled all through my life with this, but have come to terms with it, managing alone, but with a baby it’s different. I’ve felt particularly bad for the last week and do wonder if it’s done hormonal thing. It’s always there, but this is worse.

Ive thought of trying to find someone/ people who want to be like family to us, but maybe that would be weird. I’m thinking day trips together, cups of tea, celebrations.

Im not going to do the AIBU thing as not sure what to list.

If anyone can help, please let me know.

Thanks so much

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 15:59

Thank you @Absolutelydonewithit thank you so much. I went to a mums group this morning. People comment how much I connect with people. I still feel like this. I guess I meet and connect with lots of people.

@Linenpickle I cannot believe how heartless you are. I ‘get on with it’ I don’t expect family help. I’m saying I can’t connect with family emotionally, I can’t talk to them. I can’t send photos or videos. (My mum won’t allow any means) I FEEL ENDLESSLY ISOLATED. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. I was just cleaning the floor with tears in my eyes. Attitudes like this are what is wrong with society. FFS 😭 dear god

OP posts:
Absolutelydonewithit · 04/12/2025 15:56

KarriTreeSullivan

I'm just writing all this for solidarity really. I do strongly recommend leaning on your health visitor, going to all the baby and toddler groups and try opening up to the other mums there, or I had some lovely ladies in their 60's and 70's who ran one of our toddler groups, they were full of a lifetime of advice and experience. Just try little gentle, or jokey mentions of how you are feeling to other mums, like 'I dropped a teaspoon the other day and burst into tears, I'm so exhausted' it's extremely like that most of the other mums at that group are equally exhausted, feeling like they are not coping, and very emotional. Although I never became great friends with any of them, I really cherished those couple of hours a week with them realising I was normal.

This is good advice. You have nothing to lose by showing your vulnerability a little. You may find a lovely connection with another mum or as @KarriTreeSullivan says, as least you won’t feel so alone and as if you aren’t coping (you are!) x

Linenpickle · 04/12/2025 15:49

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Absolutelydonewithit · 04/12/2025 15:47

Goodness @NurtureGrow , I remember feeling very like you a long long time ago when I had little ones. It can really get you down so I have enormous sympathy, as will an awful lot of mums reading your posts. You can get through it and you will find like minded people. Did you find any of the mum groups friendly? Any mums there you felt you clicked with? Be kind to yourself and don’t expect overnight results. If there is a mum that you’ve met that you feel was kind, nurture the connection and see if she’d like to go for a coffee in a play area. Small steps.

Just know, there are a lot of us here that understand and can empathise with your situation.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 15:27

@Darknightsandsparklylights @Muffinmam I’ve joined lots of mum’s groups. I’ve met women 10 minutes walk away, probably people never make this much effort. But what I’m saying is, I haven’t been able to change it. There are other things I haven’t listed that I’ve tried. I just can’t seem to get away from the isolation. @Darknightsandsparklylights were you ever in this position, did you find a way to permanently get over it and stop suffering?

I will be returning to work as soon as I find a role. I’m not holding back on that.

OP posts:
Muffinmam · 04/12/2025 15:24

NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 14:54

@cannyvalley thank you. I could do that. I’m a bit worried to go on their radar too much though. I mean I like my health visitor, she’s very nice, but if it’s on my NHS record, maybe that wouldn’t be good? I don’t want them to think I can’t look after our baby..

I keep trying to tell my husband, he doesn’t really understand. We are going to see a therapist together. But it’s not for another week and again we can’t really afford this, so may be a one off x

If your husband can’t afford to fund a therapy session then he needs to get a job. You need to return to work.

In the meantime - stop visiting your mother. She sounds utterly miserable.
Are there any mother’s groups you could join?

Darknightsandsparklylights · 04/12/2025 15:12

Also, lots of other parents are likely to be in a similar situation with little family support. So I’d try to get over your understandable sadness about that because it is what it is.

There will be other people who don’t have family support perhaps because their parents are deceased or live far away or are elderly or in ill health. Just keep being friendly and interested in other people and I hope you will find them.

I would try to get out every day and just be chatty in shops wherever because sometimes any kind of. human interaction can help. Maybe try a few things consistently if you have been trying lots of different things but maybe not really giving it time to build connections.

KarriTreeSullivan · 04/12/2025 15:11

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are feeling like that. It must be really hard with no family to help.

Just to say though I'd bet about 99% of all new mums have at some stage felt like they are not coping. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and like I was getting everything wrong, and when I went for some standard check up with the health visitor, she said what a wonderful job I was doing and how great my babies were, I burst in to tears, and explained I felt like I was doing anything right (I just teared up writing this now remembering it!) she was so wonderful, it was like a massive weight off my shoulders. And of course she said all mothers feel like that at some stage or at many stages, it's completely and utterly normal.

I strongly suggest talking to your health visitor if you have a nice one, they can be a god send!

My parents, although, wonderful and would come and help me at a drop of a hat if I asked were also a long way away so they weren't there for day to day support like I was jealous of other mums having. I also had a husband setting up a new business! I once said to him I can't cope with you working 6 days and he turned to me and said, "well I haven't actually worked 6 days because I was home Wednesday afternoon and didn't go in to midday on Friday". 🙄he was exhausted and very stressed too, but I'll still never forget that comment!

I'm just writing all this for solidarity really. I do strongly recommend leaning on your health visitor, going to all the baby and toddler groups and try opening up to the other mums there, or I had some lovely ladies in their 60's and 70's who ran one of our toddler groups, they were full of a lifetime of advice and experience. Just try little gentle, or jokey mentions of how you are feeling to other mums, like 'I dropped a teaspoon the other day and burst into tears, I'm so exhausted' it's extremely like that most of the other mums at that group are equally exhausted, feeling like they are not coping, and very emotional. Although I never became great friends with any of them, I really cherished those couple of hours a week with them realising I was normal.

Gosh, that was a long reply! Sorry. Lots of love to you.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 15:11

Thank you, I have met people and I do meet them, but I still feel isolated. I also need to work, so must find something soon

OP posts:
Darknightsandsparklylights · 04/12/2025 15:02

Sorry that does sound hard. It sounds like your mum needs support and is not a support for you. I would keep trying with the baby groups, maybe after a while see if someone wants to meet for a coffee in a park or soft play or play date, depending on what you’re comfortable with/what is around you. Would trying to find a job help? Even if it’s a few hours on a weekend and voluntary if nothing else, just because sometimes it’s easier to relate to people when you’re working alongside them. Or some activity for you, exercise class, craft class, film club or book club? Hope you find a way of feeling more connected to people.

KylieKangaroo · 04/12/2025 14:59

That sounds so tough and isolating, they say it takes a village to raise a child and many people don't have that village or anyone at all. I would keep telling your husband how you are feeling and make sure you get a break when he is home. Keep getting out there trying to meet people and hopefully you will get there in time x

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 14:58

I’ve tried so many things. I could probably direct people to many support things in our neighbourhood. But in the end, we still don’t have family. I still can’t rely on the consistency of grandparents or siblings to offer some kindness and support

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 14:56

@cannyvalley also, I took antidepressants long ago. I don’t think I particularly need them… it’s the environment I think. All people need people? But I just can’t seem to change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 04/12/2025 14:54

@cannyvalley thank you. I could do that. I’m a bit worried to go on their radar too much though. I mean I like my health visitor, she’s very nice, but if it’s on my NHS record, maybe that wouldn’t be good? I don’t want them to think I can’t look after our baby..

I keep trying to tell my husband, he doesn’t really understand. We are going to see a therapist together. But it’s not for another week and again we can’t really afford this, so may be a one off x

OP posts:
cannyvalley · 04/12/2025 14:51

Hi, I didn’t want just read and run. This sounds really hard and having baby can be so isolating... especially with no wider family support.

I would encourage you to reach out to your baby’s health visitor to share how you are feeling. They may have some good ideas for things happening in your local community, and may also suggest speaking to your GP about your low mood?

take care @NurtureGrow xx

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