I’m not coping

@NurtureGrowi remember feeling exactly like this. Far from family and my husbands family are just not really warm people orientated people. It was isolating and I did my best to make friends. Eventually I found my people and they are great. It took time and I had kind of given up when it clicked into place. now I look at pictures and wished I had enjoyed it more, because it was beautiful in its own right, but when you never get a break nothing is wonderful… my husband and I had all the nights and all the lows, just us.

sorry if that isn’t constructive but I just want to acknowledge your feelings. You are in the hardest bit with the baby and the redundancy, but you will get through.

I do remeber a lot of people used to say… “some people don’t have a husband or some people have lost their own mothers… or are carers as well as mothers”… I’m sure they meant well but … it isn’t a race to the bottom.

So so sorry to hear you’ve been ill. Hope you feel better soon. Don’t know what to say about your mum, but as you say you tried to talk to her, and I don’t know but maybe she was trying too when she came.
hope 2026 becomes a better year for you!

non contact that’s what I’m going to do you should if you are up to it xx

https://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/04/absence-village-mothers-struggle/

I completely get this OP, I felt very similar to you, it is so exhausting and draining to feel this way. I have 3 children, and weirdly it didn’t properly hit me until my youngest was a new born, just how alone I felt. I think up until that point I’d been SO busy, going to every class going when on mat leave, working, and honestly trying so hard to build up this ‘village’ that everyone speaks about. I remember it hit me one Christmas Eve, when all 3 kids (four and under) were miraculously asleep, the house was finally tidy, and I looked round at at the twinkly lights and filled stockings. And rather than feel joy or peace or calm like I felt I should feel- I was almost floored by how utterly and desperately lonely I was.

Honestly what helped, was partly my eldest starting school (I appreciate that is a way off for you), and just time.

And also like you say- recognising this wasn’t actually a ‘me’ problem - I wasn’t depressed, I was just living in a very odd time in human history, where despite the deep need of our species for community and social interaction, so many of us live miles from wider family and that community just does not exist in any meaningful way for a lot of us. I have slowly build up my own form of a ‘village’- though it still pales in comparison to our ancestors, but I recognise that’s just the way it is. I realised I only needed a few people- a couple of families I could truly connect with, who were like-minded, to feel a lot better.

Also when I opened up more to people about feeling lonely, I realised just how many people feel exactly the same. I didn’t connect with every one of those people, but it helped. Also I realised that a deep connection with a few people is more meaningful to me than having lots of superficial conversations- that always feels even more draining. So I kind of have a radar now- I’m friendly to everyone but I quickly pick up ‘is this someone I actually really could connect with, or just someone it’s fine to say a quick hi to?’ and don’t waste as much time arranging things with the ones that don’t do it for me (not that there’s anything wrong with them, quite the contrary- I think it’s me that’s the weird one- but I seek out like minded people!)

The book Motherwhelmed is a good read - I’ll link to a blog she wrote as well about why modern motherhood can feel so hard.

Hang in there OP, there are loads of us who have felt the same, and with a one year old you’re in one of the hardest times. It will get better.

Have you thought about getting classes in the language of your in-laws?

You want to learn it and it would help, plus you'd be mixing with others.

Why aren’t you driving?

I find that being a mother is incredibly isolating. The only reason I’ve been able to cope is I’m very obviously autistic. I’m drained from spending time with others.

I still have a social outlet. I have sisters and my partner’s friends are very social.

I have the capacity to make friends. But I don’t maintain friendships. So that’s on me.

It sounds really hard. Having a baby can be isolating and it sounds like you have very little family to connect with.

Babies do get easier, it took me over a year to mentally adjust well enough to my new life as a parent and I'm even more adjusted now after 3 years.

I would continue with therapy as you would definitely benefit from emotional support and it sounds like you can't rely on your mum for this, and your husband sounds very preoccupied as well.

Also continue with baby groups. You may not make friends for life but it can feel less isolating to at least have some familiar faces to chat to, and you may be able to relate to each other on some of the challenges of parenting which can feel really hard to deal with on your own.

Also when you can definitely learn your in laws language. They could be a real source of support you.

I just wanted to send you a big hug also. I found a lot of elements of my first maternity leave really isolating. I found the transition to being a mum really hard psychologically even though I was coping from the outside. I felt estranged from my old friends but couldn't seem to click with the mother's I met. I live far away from family and was recovering from a traumatic birth which can't have helped.
I'm really sorry to hear that you've had redundancy to contend with too.

Echo what others have said in confiding to your health visitor, just explain that you've been low and isolated. It is their job to help.
You've probably done this already but establishing a solid routine with variety for the week might help. It should include things you'd like to do too. I used to really enjoy visiting museums or window shopping with my baby. I like to read so would bring my book for when the baby slept. Schedule in time for a yoga class or similar when your husband is home. And perhaps you could also pencil in time to visit the other friends.
You've got this and you can always post here, x

Hi OP, I have nothing extra to add to the other posts except u r not alone and I can empathise with your feelings and experience.
Step by step

I remember those days. They can be tough. You’re not alone. Try baby cinema. I used to love it when I needed to get out.xx

This is simply reality, albeit sad, for many people. I have nobody and haven’t for decades. Live really rurally so there’s nobody local either to try and make a pseudo ‘family’ with. It gets far easier as the children get older. I would suggest you put effort in to in laws and also get your husband working on their relationship with the baby etc.

Life for many of us is not anything like Hallmark or social media. But we do have blessings still!

Please consider confiding in your health visitor, I did with mine and she was wonderful. She listened and did extra visits to check in with me.

Like pp I am also wondering if there's a bit of post natal depression here. The health visitor can do the questionnaire with you. These feelings are very common, you definitely aren't alone.

Babies grow and life gets easier, it really does. I can promise things will get better.

Keep talking to us, we're always here.

My mum
is the same with me what was your relationship with your mum like growing up?

Where do you live OP? Have you tried attending baby/ toddler classes at the local Children’s Centre?

In answer to your question OP I experienced elements of what you describe, almost no family support due to distance, age of parents and them being very different people/no emotional support/useful advice. (DH learnt quite young that the opposite of the advice his parents gave was probably the sensible thing to do.). I think we had three or four evenings of babysitting when DC were asleep from my mother, and two occasions of one hour or so when DC1 was awake and a toddler (now uni age).

But I made friends gradually at baby and toddler groups, saw same people at school gates, sports and kids clubs, joinedbook clubs with other mums, played sport with them, took kids on day trips and camping together, I was fairly active with the primary school PTA, still friends with loads of them now. In fact just went for a walk this pm with a friend I met at toddler group who I’ve now known over twenty years. I would say that many of us had limited family support for one reason or another.

From what you describe I wonder if the sense of disconnection is a bit of depression, or is it that you live in an area where people have mostly grown up together and aren’t that open to new friendships? Or is it that motherhood is throwing what you don’t get from your own mother into sharp relief and you are working through that, and are finding it hard to accept that your child won’t have a warm involved grandmother?

I think there is good advice on this thread, we are all saying similar things. I hope you find your way through to a happier place.

Such an unhelpful reply , are you actually a parent yourself ?

op I would suggest trying to get back to work after my first I found it so good for my mental health it was like a break (and I was working 13 hour shifts on my feet all day). The joy of having a coffee break at work to yourself and speaking with adults again would do wonders.

@NurtureGrow I am so sad to read this. I was in a very similar situation with my first. It has passed, and three kids in I am so much happier. Still no family support, still sometimes active cruelty from some of my family, and having just moved to a new city I'm having to re-build a network. BUT - nothing has ever been as hard as that first year or two. It does pass.

I'll reply more later (stuff to do, shouldn't be scrolling here at all) - but please don't even respond to the 'get on with it' type comments. I've had plenty of those as well, and they were so damaging when I was so vulnerable and asking for kindness.

Everything will be ok.

Dear OP, I remember this so well and I didn't have the added kick of a redundancy to contend with. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low.
It must also be really hard to feel like you need to continue to encourage your mum at a time when she should really be encouraging you. For what it's worth, she isn't your responsibility in that sense anymore, and she never really was. You don't have to keep trying to make her life lighter and brighter at the expense of your own days.
Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy that might allow you to meet people gently without the pressure of thinking that these could be "your people" that can come with support groups.
I found that a gym gave me enough light, adult, social interaction as I gradually became a regular and got to say hello and how are you etc. and if I had been more minded to, there were little groups who went out for coffee after certain classes etc.
Also, as little one gets older and you can communicate with them more, that is a new kind of joy that is on its way to you.
I'm sure you're not bothering any of your old friends and that they enjoy hearing from you, but they have busy lives too, so try not to equate a possible lack of exuberance with a lack of interest. Keep going, OP. Things will get better. Sending love and luck xx

I am a little bit a loner, almost a nerd, so I didn't feel that lonely, when I've had babies in a foreign country, but I understand how hard it can be. I've actually made very good friends with other mums in our community only when my baby started walking and could use a swing in a nearby playground. It was a very tightly-knit community and it was really lovely. These friendships stayed for many years throughout the school until we moved out. Big hugs and stay strong, things will get better.

It is horrible to be alone with a child. I am so sorry you are going through this.

It takes time to make friends.
If your baby is just over a year old, does this mean you have only had a year to be making real friends? Don't expect it to happen so soon.
Keep on going to places where other people gather: toddler groups, library groups for children, anything you can find.
Don't just limit it to child-orientated stuff, get DH to mind baby and go out to whatever club or group you can find in the evening.

It is not easy when you are already feeling bad - you have to put on a smile and try to be friendly and approachable. Be helpful, be a good listener, and keep smiling.

Have you considered going to your GP in case this is post-natal depression?