AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

Just a different point of view - there have been female nursery workers accused of abuse too. One can only trust the safety checks that are in place.

I actually feel sorry for any males who want to go into teaching, esp. primary schools. Most of us have unconscious 'feelings' about it, though thankfully the vast majority are great and it's good for children to have good male role models.

Unfortunately the latest news has put everyone on high alert.

Agreed. I am fortunate enough to be able to use a childminder who has a female only household but recognise not everyone has that option.
While preschool has panned out for us, primary schools are going to be a difficult decision/compromise for me due to locations, logistics and work demands.

i feel for OP as societal design means mothers are having to make the best choices they can within the crappy constraints they face.

Also agree with the trust your instincts comments

For those saying you would not use a nursery with male staff- how would you achieve this? No nursery will ever say ‘yes, we have a female staff only policy’ because they’d get into loads of trouble. You might not even be aware when a male member of staff has been taken on; & if you found out could only remove your child without notice or on very short notice. Huge cost & disruption.

I have every sympathy with the wish to have female only nursery staff (though of course that is not automatically risk free!) - the question is whether under current law there is any possibility of achieving it. I don’t think there is.

And yes I would be talking to the manager in this case about the details of nappy changes & toileting & what might have sparked this. Bad things happen sometimes and we are our children’s best protectors

Honestly, I would go with your gut instinct on something like this. Chances are, there is nothing to worry about, and I certainly wouldn't be making any allegations against anyone - I actually feel really sorry for men working in childcare right now, it must be very difficult for them.

But your child is getting distressed for some reason and you can't just ignore that. I agree with talking to the nursery manager and getting advice from your GP etc.

It could be that she gravitates to women and not men. Most young children see women as being safe and nurturing.

Me neither

There’s been too many males in nurseries abusing children and without saying every man is a paedophile the risk is too high . You are right OP to question your daughters changed behaviour

Safeguarding training for vulnerable adults some time ago.
Trainer worked with abusers. Said two out of three reoffend but he does his work for the one that doesn’t.
He asked who would use a male babysitter. I said I would not. Everyone else said they would.
Trainer said he would never use a male babysitter as the risk of them being an abuser was too great.
Nurseries have better safeguarding policies nowadays but without increasing staff and costs there is little they can do to remove all risk of harm.
This male nursery worker might be a great carer who would be devastated this subject is even being discussed. However, my gut feeling based on the child’s behaviour would be why? Why is the child so upset?
Obviously, accusations cannot be made without evidence but this makes me uneasy.
I was subject to csa so might be over protective.

The thing is your child could be there with no male staff and they months down the line they hire one. You would have to pay the term fees if you just pulled them out. Plus trying to find a nursery mid-term could be hard.

Unpopular opinion:
I just wouldn't place my child in a childcare setting with a male carer.

I'd get her checked by a GP and srsrt look9ng for a new setting.

Speak to the Nursery Manager, it may be something simple like he had to tell her off and he may have come over a little too aggressive and it has scared her. Even if you remove her and send her to an all female nursery , there’s nothing to say that a male member of staff won’t be later employed there. Try not to panic and speak to the Nursery manager, chances are she is a mum and will understand your fears.

I’ve worked in many nurseries and some young children just do not like male faces.

With regards to safeguarding, is the nappy change area open? How many members of staff are there?

With some nurseries the nappy station was in the open and there had to be another person in the room. Some other nurseries had a nappy station in a different room and didn’t require a second person.

I think you could ask the manager how they safeguard children getting their nappy changed and is it with a solo practitioner.

Also ask about ratios. I’ve seen some nurseries be ridiculous and allow a single practitioner in a room with loads of children as they have CCTV so it’s like they are in the room, lets be honest they are not watching the cctv all day.

Some nurseries even include the office and cooking staff in ratios as they can help get children out of the building in case of a fire!

Then there are amazing nurseries that count the children and work out the ratio anytime someone leaves the room. They won’t go to the toilet or lunch unless they are in ratio and will radio management to get cover.

I would think it was more the separation/going into nursery that triggered the upset, rather than a particular person. This is very common.

I'd probe a bit more about how she is at nursery - is the "emotional" all day now common? Are there things that seem to trigger it?

Listen to your gut. Whatever the reason,your daughter isn't happy there. It could be something simple like she finds his voice a bit scary because he shouts but I don't blame you thinking the worst with everything in the news at the moment 😔

Agree with PP that there could be a number of other reasons your DD is going through a clingy phase, that are worth a conversation with the manager about before you start thinking about abuse.

Have there been changes in the rooms recently? At our old nursery December was usually a bit of a changeover time, with kids moving rooms after a big changeover in September as well. Maybe she's under the weather and feeling a bit grim, but not ill enough for a temperature/other symptoms? Maybe a phase of separation anxiety?

Now you're alert to it I would be seeing how she is the next few drop offs, and asking for a meeting with the manager to discuss why she is suddenly unsettled and what they could do, before jumping to any conclusions or accusations.

I think the first post about going to GP with concerns is good. My DD goes to a childminder who has a young male helper. I was skeptical at first but I know his background and reasons for being there and he is a good worker and very trustworthy.

The youngest kids still gravitate towards the childminder and take much longer to settle with him. I think many babies and very young kids have an innate weariness of strange men for whatever reason.

I don't think it's fair to ban male early years childcare workers, but having solid safeguarding in place and trusting your gut is important.

There could be a number of reasons why your DD is upset at nursery drop off. If she was emotional all day I'd think it's something more than this man opening the door.
Perhaps she doesn't like some of the children who are in? Maybe she just misses you? Maybe there have been a lot of changes with children and staff recently and it's unsettled her? Maybe she's just not used to seeing a man working there?
Absolutely go to the manager and discuss your DDs behaviour. A decent nursery will want her to be happy.
Your could of course change nursery to an all female staff one but what happens if your DD settles there and then a male member of staff joins the nursery?

Could you speak to nursery staff, explain what’s been happening and ask if someone else could open the door next time? Arrange to phone them just before you arrive, then see if DD reacts the same way to a woman at the door. Whether she does or not, I think you need to discuss the problem with the manager, unless that’s the man she’s frightened of. Don’t let it continue.

It’s totally normal for them to go through these phases. With mine, it usually meant they were coming down with something, or teething, or going through a developmental leap.

Does the nursery have a manual/policy on how intimate care is delivered? Are you happy with that policy?

To all the posters saying they wouldn’t use a nursery with male staff - doesn’t your nursery ever use agency staff to cover an absence??

My 2 year old DC suddenly started getting upset at drop off after being at the nursery for over a year and never being upset. The staff hadn’t changed, they had actually moved up from the babies to toddler room with him. He just seemed to develop some separation anxiety and realise we were leaving him. Slightly different though as the staff always said he was happy once we left.

Does your DC have certain staff members they are closer to? How do they act around other staff? My DCs nursery has 2 males working there which doesn’t bother me at all, they are in the preschool area though so don’t help with toileting/ personal care (eldest DC was in preschool with them).

She is probably picking up on your anxiety handing her over to a man.... She can sense that you don't want to and that must be very confusing.

What happens when a female staff member opens the door?

I think this is very normal for a 2 year old to go through unsettled phases like this, and your mind is just getting worked up over something upsetting you saw in the news.

Mine both started nursery at 9 months, and then through phases like this at 2 and 3 and again during reception and Y1. I think it’s quite normal, but I’d ask if another member of staff can help you to settle her better. It doesn’t have to be because he’s a man and perceived as a potential risk. Maybe she just has someone else she is closer to.

I woulnd't send a small child to a nursery with male staff.

Sorry but what is it that people think the doctor and the police are going to do?? Examination to assess possible sexual abuse is extremely invasive, should only be done by a special team when certain criteria are met.

Sometimes young children will dislike a certain member of staff. My guess would be that this is more likely to happen with a male worker because two year olds feel safer with things that aren't different. Men in the nursery setting are different therefore more likely to trigger the response.

Statistically males are also more likely to be abusers so I'm not saying to not be vigilant. I would absolutely raise it with the nursery manager and if you don't feel comfortable then move her.

Definitely share your concerns about how unsettled your daughter is.

It may just be something about this member of staff - a friend’s son was terrified of deep male voices at about that age and he’d never been left with any man other than his dad (who doesn’t have a very deep voice, and who he was fine with) - but whatever the reason they should be able to find a way of settling her more.