AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

I get that you're upset OP but other than your daughter freaking out when you hand her over for the day what makes you think that it's even this man's fault never mind that he's abusing her?? By the sounds of it the other well establised females in the nursery have spent a lot of the day with her and are struggling to settle her so does that not more tell you that she's more generally miserable here, possibly because she's becoming more aware of the fact that you're leaving her there or possibly because the general culture in the nursery isn't great. Have you actually had chance to hand her over to somebody other than this male at any point? Does she get just as upset or does she only get upset when she sees him?

I'd definitely be keeping a close eye on things and asking all sorts of questions about the nursery (not just about one man) However some of the suggestions are crazy. I'd absolutely love to have such a relaxed working life that I can afford to just drop everything and keep my child off nursery the minute she's a bit upset. Meanwhile most of us live in the real world where the reason we take our kids to nursery is because we need to work. Absolutely it is still oir ultimate responsibility to safeguard our own child and if something really isn't right we don't put the child in an unsafe situation but there's absolutely nothing to suggest this based on OP's posts. Lots of babies and toddlers get really bad separation anxiety. If all mums just ducked out of work to pacify this then pretty much no mum would be able to hold down a job. The suggestions to go to your GP/police are ridiculous too. Because what?! A child isn't liking nursery right now?

OP I'd talk to the nursery about your concerns in a none-confrontational way. I think you're fine to mention that it seems to be a pattern when this male has been around but going in all guns blazing isn't the right approach. Mention it, ask what their policies on being alone with the children are etc and clarify exactly how much time he's been spending with your dd (it doesn't sound like you've even checked this yet?) This might help you make decisions. Ultimately though if you don't trust the nursery you will have to move her but there's no guarantee that she won't do the same thing elsewhere or even become more unsettled and there's no guarantee that there won't be males looking after her.

Another one urging you to trust what your child is telling you OP. What are your options in the short term? Anyone in the family who you would trust to help out or who'd be willing to?

Frankly listen to your instincts. It may be nothing, but you can maybe find somewhere else to make 100% sure.

Trust your gut ! My child was not sexually assaulted at nursery but was physically assaulted by 2 female workers when she was 2 , she is now almost 10 and I still blame myself for taking 2 months to notice . The reactions where the same as your child . I arrived earlier one day and she was being thrown around with a split lip . Until this day I still can’t grasp how I managed to leave that room with my baby and not kill her . I sat in my car in the car park for 30 m with someone on the phone trying to calm me down and I swear I don’t know what I would do if I ever saw them , even now after almost 8 years . Police couldn’t prove anything because misteriously the cctv in tj day vanished by the time police arrived but they did believe me and where very honest about it .

That's actually quite sad, I think it's important for children to have a strong role model of both male and females in their lives.
A couple of ds's primary school teachers was male when he was around the same age, and they were both amazing with him and the other kids.

It's normal and a lot of young children go through this phase at some point. My youngest son loved his nursery (all female staff) but randomly, one day just cried and clung to me so much that I actually just took him home. No reason ever found, he obviously just didn't fancy nursery for a few days.

You are questioning this because your child's nursery employs a male and have made a link in your mind which is very unlikely to exist. The far more likely reality is that your child is just feeling tired (end of term, winter, bugs etc..) or just not 'feeling' nursery right now. It is very unlikely that the nursery staff would be alone with the children - especially given the recent news. I suspect child care settings countrywide and being super vigilant now.

Of course we must all be vigilant but I do think that you can safely put the hysterical comments mentioning GP's and police aside.

I hope your things settle down soon for you both.

3 threads against male nursery workers now?

While she is calm have you asked your daughter why she’s upset? She probably doesn’t have the language to fully explain her reasons yet but things like ‘scary man’ or ‘mummy don’t go’ will tell you a lot and you can then look at either reassuring her or investigating further.

It could be something as simple as he unintentionally surprised her or pulled a funny face she didn’t like!

I know things are happening in the news right now but realistically, the chances are that your daughter is either suffering from separation anxiety and the door opening is causing the upset or she doesn't know this staff member too well and it's upsetting her. Does she have a key worker? Could you talk to them and see if they have any insight? My DD used to scream blue murder at drop off then 2 minutes later she would be absolutely fine.

Maybe, in which case definitely don't hand her over to a man.

Yes it's probably no coincidence that there was a push to avoid male nursery workers, teachers etc thanks to high profile cases. and we now have a wave of right wing misogyny in young men.

My ds6 has NEVER seen a male other than dh in a caregiving or teaching capacity.

Absolutely!

I have worked with great make EY teachers and nursery staff. They bring a different energy and ideas to learning and can be fantastic role models.

We can't negate all males in childcare/EY just because of this male worker. There are women who are deviant too, as well as men in schools.

Anyone thinking that they can send their child to nursery and have it free of male workers is just incorrect.

They can hire a man at any time and they don't have to consult you or even tell you. He could be working with your child and you wouldn't even know. They can also take on agency staff whenever they like.

Instead of focusing on keeping your child away from 50% of the population, you can check the safeguarding policies at the nursery, ensure that care is never 1-2-1, and teach even young children basic safety rules around safe and unsafe touch and give them tools to communicate.

It's very likely that she's picking up on your anxiety and it's a vicious cycle. She's upset, so you're anxious, which makes her think she's right to be upset.

I have sons rather than daughters, so perhaps I am looking at it from a different angle. When my boys went to nursery, I was delighted that there were two male practitioners there. For the first time the boys realised that men could be child carers too and it wasn’t just a woman’s job to look after kids. Try not to over react, there have been cases of doctors sexually assaulting patients but we all see male doctors. Talk to the nursery.

Its winter, short dark days, lots of colds, viruses etc around. She could be teething or just being a 2 yo and more aware that you are leaving and she misses you?
Yes the recent news will put people more on guard but the reasons theses stories make news and are shocking is because they are not the norm. If she's been upset all day it doesn't sound like its focused on the person opening the door though? I would mention to nursery she has been upset but honestly it doesn't sound unusual for a 2 who is develolmentally becoming more aware and able to express they don't like being away from you

I would put it down to attachment and the man being unfamiliar to be honest, but I'd also speak to the nursery to discuss my concerns.

I'm having similar worries at the moment due to the news - I actually asked my dd's nursery to confirm that my dd would not have any intimate care performed by any males and they said they couldn't confirm that as they'd be discriminating against the male employees!! There's no men working in her room at the moment but when she moves to a room with males in I'm going to re-raise it.

Surprised at all the people that would definitely move their child. Most nurseries around me have big waiting lists, at least one male member of staff, and none as far as I'm aware have a 'no male staff' policy so it would be likely you'd go through a whole re settling period and then have the same issue.

I think it’s a bit odd that men would want to do this sort of job tbh. I know that’s seriously stereotypical but it makes me feel a little disconcerted. I’ve never come across a male teacher or TA in a year below KS2 either.

I’d ask for the nursery policy on 1:1 contact. Is your DD able to talk yet? If so, I’d ask why she finds that man in particular upsetting. It’s also never too early to explain about private parts and consent.

They do go through these phases but I get your discomfort. I would probably look round for a different nursery.

I would immediately tell the nursery manager your worries, so she can keep an eye on the male staff member and ensure everything is above board. I'd also organise to send your daughter to a different nursery or child minder as soon as possible.

Best case scenario in moving her: She just has separation anxiety, it's a total coincidence, she'll behave the same way at the new nursery, and your old nursery's manager won't see anything suspicious in the way the male staff member behaves. It'll be a huge hassle, but you'll be reassured.

Worst case if you don't move her: The male staff member is sexually abusing her and you're dropping her off for that every day, completely unaware of the damage he's doing to her.

It's a simple cost-benefit equation. Perhaps you're overreacting...but what if you're not? In this case, considering the potential consequences, it's better to overreact than under-react.

This is such a tricky topic. Our nursery now has 3 male workers (only 1 when we first joined) and if I had to choose/had the option, I would choose for them to be female only. But the reality is that isnt possible and as a PP pointed out you may not know straight away when a new male staff member is appointed.

But I do trust the men that work there, or at least as much as it is possible to trust someone in that position, and suspect recent news events will have been a heart sink for men genuinely trying to do a good job.

I certainly wouldn't be going to GP/police, not sure what this would achieve at all? But I would have a chat with key worker/nursery manager to make them aware of your little one's distress.

Statistically less than 2% of women are sex offenders, and of these many will have been groomed and are vulnerable to male manipulation. Vanishingly few operate as lone wolves with depraved sexual motives.

School is completely different. Children are able to verbalise their experiences and although not completely safe, it’s much safer than tiny children and babies that are unable to express any harm or ill treatment.

Every parent needs to take this kind of behaviour very, very seriously.

And you have been watching the news which has increased your sensitivity.