AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

Is she around men much OP? I was always scared of men, well into my teens for absolutely no bad reason, they just weren't what I was used to.

I would speak to the nursery, tell them you're concerned about your daughters behaviour and want to try to figure out whether it's nursery in general or men in general or this particular man she has a reaction to.

I feel very sorry for all men working in nurseries, and their employers at the moment. Having positive male presences is a blessing for kids but very good safeguarding processes need to be in place.

It’s actually a very common stage for babies to go through.

I can’t believe all the people saying they wouldn’t use a nursery with male workers - wtf?!! I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous! Are we saying only women can care for small children? What age is it ok for a man to be in charge of a child?

@Francine84 totally understandable with the recent news and obviously i don't know but i do remember my boys going through a weird stage of doing that too then stopped as suddenly as they started so could be one of these toddler phases

I both think that positive male role models are important for young children, and know that men represent a far greater risk to children.

I find it a very difficult tension.

In my experience, the nurseries with more male staff are actually the ones which pay higher wages and often have higher levels of staff education. So the risk balance is tipped in an unusual way there.

The thing is, the social stigma around safeguarding still exists massively despite growing public awareness. People still do find it very difficult to question the motives of an individual they know; the idea that it is the ultimate insult to even think a male might have bad intentions.

And the very people who are most responsible for children's wellbeing - women - are also socialised from birth not to upset men.

I would like men (as a class) and the organisations which employ them to shoulder the burden of awkwardness around safeguarding questions. They need to be proactive and transparent about their safeguarding policies and routines within nurseries etc. Men ought to expect to have to actively demonstrate their safety, routinely and constantly. If a male worker isn't an abuser and if policies and procedures are sound, this ought to be easy.

It's made me think of when I dropped my eldest off at nursery a while back. Used to get so upset, cried eyes out on drop off 😭💔 Even though the nursery workers used to say "they're fine when you've gone" it was heartbreaking wrenching.
Then one day I decided to hang back and peek through the door and saw for myself them running around and laughing and playing with stuff.
I'm there thinking "oof you little actor, had me going there" lol

If Your instincts are telling you that it is this man in particular, listen to them and don’t send your child there another day. If you are just worried in general, then I would ask that they have another worker do the next intake and see what happens.

Do I find it strange to put children "for hours on end" (nice bit of emotive language there to refer to school hours/working days) when mums go out to work more nowadays either due to necessity or choice?
No, I don't. Why is it strange? It's a necessity, surely if you work.
What else are you supposed to do if you work?
Pack in work and go back to the kitchen?
Take them to work with you and stick them in a drawer like the receptionist did in the Brittas Empire?! 🙄😁
As if mums don't get enough shit and guilt trips for daring to go out to work as it is. 🙄

As soon as I read the title I thought CSA, and I hadn't even read what you wrote about the nursery or the male worker.

I would take DC out of the nursery and I would have a word with the "boss" and tell them about the child's behaviour - you're not making accusations because you have no evidence, but your DC's reactions are facts and the nursery owes you an explanation for why they think your child behaves this way in his presence. Your child is communicating something to you, even though they do not have the words to articulate their distress. Please listen. Even if it turns out to be something innocent.

Police? Wtf am I reading?

Child cries at nursery drop off shocker.

It could be something innocent, like her just going through a phase, but personally if my child was inconsolable at nursery there's no way I would leave her there as until they can speak and explain why, you just don't know the reason. It's not worth the risk.

The problem is, it could be something and it could be nothing. My daughter was happy going to nursery then suddenly went through am extremely clingy phase around 2.5 where she cried at every drop off for around 2-3 weeks then it just stopped and she was happy to go again.

Has she had the same reaction to other staff?

Does anyone one not find it strange how it's become widespread and normal to put our children, at their most vulnerable ages, for hours on end with total strangers, often which aren't even known in the wider community?? And then you add the element of having them over to a man??

We talk about the importance of giving the most vulnerable women & girls access to single sex services & spaces, yet these very small children don't have the choice of accepting regular, intimate level of care from men.

Listen to your gut, she's your child. If I was you I'd have a meeting with the nursery manager and express your worries and go from there. They would understand given the recent media.

Would your daughter be able to articulate anything to you?

Yes I'm not happy about it!

Yes, because this popular website is predominately one with mothers on it, and the vast majority of sex offenders (just over 98%) are MALE. So, yes, you're going to see that.

Hold your horses.

There's will be a group of Mumsneters coming along any minute with their reasons as to why you must be ok with this, and you are a bad bigoted person if you don't. Pisses me off when I see that.

I think the bones of your post is you're trying to see if it's socially acceptable to ask nursery about the safeguarding with male staff members, or raise discomfort with them.

Just to offer a slightly different viewpoint - is fear of embarrassment worth ignoring your gut? The worst that can happen about raising your concerns with the nursery manager, or even the worker directly, is that they are offended. The worst that can happen if you don't raise concerns (and you're right) is far worse.

I would say something politely like "I'd like to chat to you about the new worker in X's room. As you know she's always been happy in the morning handovers, however has shown clear signs of discomfort and fear specifically with Y since they've started. I'd like to check your opinion on their interactions during the day? I'd also like you to share details of the safeguarding policies currently in place, as well as details on who is currently taking care of X's toiletting."

I don´t have a problem with male workers per se, but I would with this particular one after such a strong reaction from my daughter a second time. I wouldn´t have handed her over to him, but to a different member of staff and would have requested an urgent meeting with the manager. It doesn´t feel right, it probably isn´t. I don´t mean anything sexual or anything, but obviously this person isn´t right for OP´s daughter. You know your daughter.

I think you mean only 2% of sex offenders are women, rather than 2% of women are sex offenders? Because that would be quite a lot!

I was reading Julie Bindel and Sonia Sodha on this earlier - it’s instinctively one of those things where I’d assumed that I think it’s a positive to have male role models and to break down stereotypes about male and female jobs…but actually from a safeguarding perspective it would make me nervous.

I’d talk to the nursery OP, but don’t panic. Lots of reasons for a previously settled child to have a clingy phase. Or she may be nervous of men, through no one’s fault. DD hated men as a small child - wouldn’t go to the doctor or dentist if it was a man, wouldn’t talk to male family friends…it was really quite awkward. Quite a fan of boys now, as a teenager!

I wouldn't send mine somewhere with male staff at nursery age. School is definitely different as they are that much older and can explain etc

My son used to scream when he saw my then-next door neighbour. He was a big, booming guy with a large, twirly moustache. This was in the 90s when my son was 3. He just wasn't used to it, that was all.

I don't know why you're being told to call the police with absolutely zero evidence of a crime.

There is a danger here that parents might assume they are ‘overreacting’ due to the news, this is more dangerous. It doesn’t matter if you are overreacting, it’s always better than under reacting.
Any child care provider or nursery assistant should be comfortable with scrutiny if they are doing their jobs well.