AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

I would not send my kids to a nursery that employed male staff any sooner than I would employ a female bodyguard, if I ever needed such a person.

I would ask about this. With mine the nappy change area has a big door they keep open so no one is ever alone.

Why would you make a distraught child - your child - go with a male nursery worker? She's distraught - a mother must do the right thing and look after her own flesh and blood.

My choice was either that or leave dc with the grandparents who made it very clear that they would feed them food they are allergic to and cbeebies would be their only entertainment. My nephew who was with them has a severe speech delay. I'll take nursery and 'strangers' over lazy family members any day. My dc loved nursery and former close bonds to with key workers who they still see regularly ten years on. In contrast my dc couldn't pick their grandparents out of a line up despite seeing them regularly because they refuse to interact with the children.

Bless her, this is a really difficult situation to be in.

I wouldn’t send my child to a nursery with a male member of staff. I understand that most men aren’t abusers, but it’s really not worth the risk, and given that most guys wouldn’t want to work with young children (sad but true), I’d be wondering what their motivation is.

Really difficult OP. Can you ask a female member of staff to be at handover and check your daughter’s reaction? Either way, you should trust your instincts, they’re there for a reason.

But in my opinion this is a prime example of why men shouldn’t be in nurseries. The children can’t speak up and men are too much of a risk.

I agree with you - but then it seems we both have deep rooted misogyny and are apologists for/downplaying CSA 🤷‍♀️

One of my kids had a phobia of old ladies, another of them had a phobia of men with beards…. All started around toddler age and to some extent the one that was scared of old ladies still avoids them.
We can only think that one may have tried to interact with him when he was in a pram and it left a lasting impression.
I would have a meeting with the nursery because any sudden change in behaviour should be discussed.
If you can find another setting that you think would suit your little one better, smaller team and you’d feel happier with her in an all female team then you wouldn’t be unreasonable to move her.
My nephew goes to a nursery where there is a male member of staff, he’s super popular and a lovely bloke. I saw a news article on tv fairly recently about how they are trying to encourage more male staff in early years/nurseries because many children lack a male role model, so I think seeing men in daycare settings will become more ‘normal’.

This is such a shame

It’s not an unusual thing to happen at 2, I would start with talking to the manager. DD definitely started to have more opinions and awareness at that age.

I totally get the nervousness about male staff but DD went to nursery with a male worker and she absolutely adored him. The setting only used him with the older children which I think was deliberate as meant no nappy changes etc so he wasn’t put in situations where there could be a perception of extra risk but DD still talks about him now.

I suppose for me it would be based on how the setting is set up- the one we used was designed in a way that staff were never on their own with kids, changing areas and toilets were integrated in to the rooms, no separate sleeping areas either so it was all very open if that makes sense. Nowhere anyone could hide away with any children.

Also there were always other males present, not just the room staff, they had an onsite maintenance person/minibus driver who was male and the husband of the nursery owner who did all the finances was male. So it would never have been a female staff only space.

I wouldn’t ignore this @Francine84 but equally I think it is very unlikely to be anything sinister. But their response will tell you everything.

Thank you for this post - it's always good to have a balanced post

@OneGreySeal
A child crying two days on the trot at nursery age does not warrant phoning the police or putting the child through a traumatic medical examination.

I know the stats. Most of the time it is a family member.

I have a different view to you. That is not a justification for accusing me of misogyny. It isn't fear of offending men. It is about perspective and not having a knee jerk reaction to what is actually very normal two year old behaviour. Or a knee jerk reaction to a news story - things tend to make the news precisely because they are unusual.

2% of women or 2% of the population of convicted sex offenders?

Why on earth wouldn't some men want a job caring for children? Yes, it's always going to be a career that appeals more to women, but you can't think of any men - dads, grandads, uncles or those without kids of their own but who have always loved children, who would find it greatly satisfying and rewarding caring for them and seeing them grow up? Do people really think that men as a group are a binary whereby they either really don't like children at all or otherwise they're paedophiles?

Yes, there are the gross parts as well as the lovely ones - like changing nappies, mopping up puke and dealing with tantrums - but female workers don't seem to be deterred by this, although I can't for a moment think that any of them actively enjoy those bits; so why on earth would any woman want a job looking after other people's children?

Yes, of course we always need to be conscious of risks and be super strict on safeguarding in all jobs involving children and vulnerable people; but do we not want a modern world with equality and integration in the workplace, rather than strictly male jobs and female jobs?

Do we look back nostalgically to the days when people would gasp and be visibly panicking when they got on a plane and a female voice came over the tannoy saying "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen - I'm Jane, your pilot"? If somebody calls out a plumber or electrician through an agency and a female one turns up, are they as well to send her away and ask for a male one instead, "just to make sure the job is done properly and safely by somebody proper who will know what he's doing"? After all, why would a woman even want to do those jobs anyway, eh?

As PP have said, there's no such thing as a permanently female-only nursery. They wouldn't need to inform parents if a male employee joined tomorrow, any more than they would think to notify any potentially racist parents if a black employee joined. The only way you can guarantee who looks after your children is to look after them yourself and never use any paid childcare.

A lot of the men in nurseries that I have worked with have been ND.

Seems to be a pretty popular opinion on this thread/Mumsnet generally ....

That’s a very unhealthy attitude

Please do all the victims of this horrendous crime a favour and stop making excuses for men. How deep rooted is some people’s misogyny? Why on earth would you be more worried about offending men when the risk posed to children goes through the roof when men are present in a nursery. Men make up 99 percent of the convictions for CSA. Do you even understand how that risk translates into real time and especially in a nursery setting?

Op trust your gut because the alternative is that it’s nothing which would be a relief. I would speak to the police for advice via their none emergency line.

You need to check if the male has had access to your child in the toilets or changing area. Away from other staff members. That in itself is sufficient for suspicion given that this is now on the rise. There is no way I would be leaving. Her with him again.

Agreed.
My DD also 2 was suddenly like this last week. No male staff, no obvious reason, distressing for us but suddenly this week back to normal.
Ask for a different member of staff to answer door and see what reaction is

So she had never been bothered by him before. A high profile news story and suddenly he is a problem. It is far more likely this is just a developmental phase.

It would be OTT to start calling the police or asking for medical exams because a child cried at drop off on two occasions. I would be asking the nursery if anything else has changed from their lens recently, how is she the rest of the day, can they mix and match who answers the door etc.

My kids both had male key workers from nursery or preschool. In their KS1 years, it was probably close to. 50:50 ratio. When they were little, the MN narrative was that we needed to encourage men into the caring professions. We seem to have swung to persistent fear of men, whatever they are doing. It is not healthy. While the majority of sex offenders may be men, that does not mean the majority of men are sex offenders.

Haven't read the whole thread but wasn't there a nursery where a female was abusing children and making films or something?

As someone who has personal, extensive experience with the way men can and will sexually abuse children, and as someone who is very aware of the cold, hard statistics regarding the elevated risk of a male caring for a child versus the risk of a female caring for a child, I never left my children alone with any male except their father.

Personally, I don't find it ridiculous. Men pose a far, far greater risk than women, and considering the potential catastrophic harm, I'm unwilling to gamble those odds with my children's safety and well-being.

Once a child is at primary school and able to understand personal boundaries, provide their own toileting/cleaning care, and communicate clearly, I think having male staff is an acceptable risk.

Very often, they are giving you what they think you want/need.

My DD said to me recently that she loves me more than Daddy. I said that I loved her and I loved Daddy and I knew they both loved me, and there wasn't any competition between us. She thought about that and then said that actually she loved us both the same.

In her head, she thought she was giving me a compliment and making me feel loved, it didn't really mean she loved her Dad any less.

Same often goes for nursery drop off- they cry and cling because they think that makes you feel loved.

Honestly the amount of times I had to reassure parents that as soon as they leave their baby is fine 😂. Because the minute the parent goes, they get all settled with their lil friends and cause mayhem 😆