AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

It’s not about offending someone, it’s about making a very serious allegation without any evidence.

While there could be a number of reasons I would always always always trust your gut. You know your child.

The male nursery worker who was recently arrested is not the only one. Most men who abuse children find ways to work with them - Doctors, nurses, nursery workers, foster parents, clergy, Boy Scout leaders. I often think in the name of being progressive and pc we are scared to name the very real increase in risks.

I hate how women in this country are so scared of offending someone. It doesnt matter. You are the client and your child
is disressed.

A lot of little children are scared of strange men. Biologically normal and safe seeking behaviours. But of course it should be addressed and your daughter should feel
safe.

Poor car alarm 😅

I don’t really understand the GP or police comments but I would say youre concerned about how upset your dd is and can she spend more time with the female workers she is closer to. Also ask and get them to affirm the nappy situation as a separate point.

The people saying it’s definitely nothing and
you should blindly trust them scare
me.

When my DS was 2 a male worker started working at his nursery. A lot of the parents complained that their kids came home smelling strongly of aftershave. Around the same time my DS started getting very upset about going in because a man called 'Car Alarm'(!) was getting cross and touching him when he was lying down for his nap. As you can imagine I was massively panicking.

It turned out it was a woman called Carla who was the lunchtime cover, and who DS had incorrectly identified as a man, who was trying to pat him to go to sleep for his nap, which they did for everyone, and he didn't like it. It was resolved by asking them not to pat him.

The male member of staff had a different name and was the son of the owner making money as a summer job, and very popular, hence all the aftershavey cuddles.

So my point it - toddlers aren't the best at articulating things. Try and find out more before you take drastic action, particularly if you like the setting otherwise.

I suspect those flippantly telling her to get her child checked at the GP are lucky enough not to have real life experience of this. It’s not a quick trip to the GP, it’s a trip to the nearest hospital with the correctly qualified staff (for example our nearest is a hospital 2.5 hours away), and an invasive exam which has the potential to traumatise them. Obviously this isn’t offered when a child is experiencing very usual 2 year old behaviour.

OP wouldn’t be remotely unreasonable to raise the change kn behaviour with the nursery, check their nappy change policy and generally keep a very close eye on behaviour, but to jump straight to police and GP based solely on what she’s said is ridiculous.

and I think I’ll ask about the nappy changing situation. Possibly I’m being ridiculous but I would feel so much happier if she were changed by a woman.

It worries me that parents have become so worried about upsetting men that they would even think it is ridiculous to question that a man is allowed to do young children’s intimate care.

DBS checks only catch sex offenders if they have been previously caught being sex offenders. Some professions that give men special access to children attract male predators. They can be very cunning at hiding their behaviour. Given all we know about male sex offenders, why would anyone let a man give their child intimate care?

Why risk the safety of our children?

I would raise it with them, she's distressed on separation and to date this has been with this one member of staff. She's 2, she isn't expected to be rational and they want to have her with a member of staff she gets on with. Clarify whether she's with him, and if she's still in nappies whether he is responsible for those or not.
I have a feeling that my DCs' nursery had a two person policy for nappies, even back 10+ years ago. Does your DD's nursery have this also?

Would it not make a bit more sense to investigate and see what the issue is for the child?

It may be because the worker is male - but it could be that she is unfamiliar with men (which would definitely be a self-fulfilling prophecy if some of the people on here blanket-banned men from working with children), it could be his deeper voice, his larger size, if he has a beard etc. or it could just be him as an individual for some very silly reason.

Children take against unfamiliar people and circumstances and seize on very peripheral characteristics that they just aren't used to. If it were the first black nursery worker that the little one had ever encountered, or the first one with a facial disfigurement, or the first one who wore glasses, or the first older one with grey hair or whatever - nobody would be leaping to saying that the child must be 'protected from' anybody with that characteristic.

Yes, of course concerns should be investigated; but getting upset is in the basic nature of very young children as they gain new experiences and learn about the world - even the smallest things that they aren't yet familiar with. Taking it ad absurdum, you might as well say that, if a baby cries in anybody's presence, that person is clearly a problem who is upsetting them and causing them distress, and must therefore never be allowed near them again - including presumably the baby's own parents.

I can see this must be troubling for you, OP, especially given the timing. I'm with PP advocating for talking to the nursery manager. How they react will already tell you a lot - how seriously they take you, how well they know your DD, what action they propose to take.

Unfortunately, we live in a climate where it's easy to jump to conclusions. My DD had two of her strongest nursery relationships with male employees, then two male teachers at juniors. Negative thoughts about male carers for pre-school children had never occurred to me (probably because my dad did the bulk of the childcare when I was young so a man looking after me was what I was used to) until DD, then nine, took to leaving her musical instrument at home. I was mystified. A musician friend asked me if she liked the teacher. I had never asked her, focussing instead on instrument choice. I did then ask her. She said she didn't like him but was unable to say why. I probed, very carefully, fearful of CSA, even though there were three girls in the lesson. The school year ended, DD gave up the instrument after doing her first exam, and started piano with a female teacher. DD is now 22. Only in the last year has she revealed that she didn't like him because he spent the lesson on his phone.

This is a longwinded way of saying: be thorough and careful, while reminding yourself that the worst case scenario is not the most likely scenario, and that involving the GP and police now would up the ante in a way not helpful for your DD.

Typo

I know of a few 2 year olds who went through a separation anxiety phase at nursery for a few weeks. No real reason and it was all around 2-2.5 years old.

What do people saying "call the police" or "take your child to the GP" think would happen? The facts that exist are a 2yo child who has attended a nursery pretty happily for 9 months has now cried on being dropped off the last two days, and that a male member of staff opened the door on those two days. Do you seriously think that a 2yo child crying when they see someone is enough basis for the police to open an investigation. And what would a not-trained-in-forensic-sexual-abuse-examination GP be looking for exactly? You as a parent can look for any concerning physical signs like finger mark bruising or rashes or tears or UTIs.

Numerous other posters have said above that their children went through phases of being particularly clinging and upset at drop off for a few weeks then it stopped, with no suggestion it was linked to a member of staff abusing them!

Yes ask the nursery to reassure you about their safeguarding policies and how things like nappy changing and personal care are managed. I'm sure lots of parents are extra concerned about those sorts of things right now and the nursery should want to ensure parents understand how they are protecting children, and their staff from allegations.

I mean there are two things here, if you do believe this man is doing anything untoward to your daughter then why are you continuing to leave her there. Also I don't think that a man working at a nursery means he is a paedophile or means your daughter any ill will, unofrtuntely there are as many cases of women as men being responisble for harming children in a nursery setting.

I do think that it's probably a lot more to do with your daughter not recognising him because he's a new member of staff. I also can't believe that people are saying they wouldn't use a nursery with men working there, would this also apply to sport coaches, teachers, tutors...

Hysterics? Gracious, us silly women, being concerned by the statistics! When will we learn?

Men as a demographic ruin things for themselves by being 98% of sexual offenders. Not all men, no, but almost always men, and that needs to be taken into account. Would you rather have the demographic that only commits 2% of sexual offences look after your non-verbal child, or the demographic that commits 98%? And how is that even a choice?

I'm sure that the majority of American XL Bully type dogs are lovely and gentle, but the fact that they comprise half (not 98% but a mere half) of fatal dog attacks means that very few parents would be happy to leave their toddler in the company of an XL Bully. I think most people would consider that reasonable and not at all hysterical. Gosh, I wonder why?

One of my uncles was conceived while my grandfather was home on furlough from WWII. Between fighting overseas and having a long stay in hospital after he was wounded and nearly lost a leg, my grandfather didn’t see my uncle for over a year, and when he came home, my uncle, age two and a half, started crying all the time. This strange man had come to his house and wasn’t leaving!

Absent any other things that trouble you, my guess would be that if the nursery worker is connected at all to your daughter’s distress, it’s because little kids are frequently more scared of strange men than they are of strange women. I think it’s the difference in size and the deeper voices.

Also the idea that a male worker is automatically suspicious is just absurd and not a little offensive, despite what the hysterics on here would say.

Good lord. I managed a chain of nightclubs for a while. Of all of our security people, the women were consistently the most scary ones that I would never have dreamed of messing with! They knew how to use stature and body weight incredibly effectively and sometimes (not always) benefitted from being better at de-escalation in the first place. Genuinely, if I suddenly get rich and famous and need a bodyguard, out of my top three I would call and offer a personal security job to, two were women.

I will admit to being privately skeptical about my friend's "manny" until I met him. When I saw him with their children I was absolutely convinced that he was there for no other reason than because he loves working with children and is very good at it.

I feel quite strongly that we have to keep the recent news in proportion and not make regressive steps in society. Men are absolutely capable of having the nurturing instinct (that I personally as a woman lack!) and being good at childcare without nefarious intentions, and it would be horribly regressive for women if we allowed any societal backslide into mens jobs and womens jobs.

I have to agree with this. What could the police do?

The U.K. is very much in its infancy state when it comes to male nursery workers.

You don’t understand the statistics because if you did you would understand the alarming rate of risk when you allow a male to work in a nursery setting.

The whole argument that family members abuse too is redundant because no one is arguing here that one is worse than the other. What is being brought to people’s attention that men overwhelmingly commit CSA at such a large scale that it quadruples the risk posed to children when you have a male nursery risk.

Australia is ahead of us with male nursery workers and this is the trajectory of the U.K. if males continue to access this job.

Telling OP not to overreact because you seem to think ‘not all men’ some how trumps OP taking measures to safeguard her child from a valid potential risk emanates from your misogyny.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-10-27/childcare-centres-paedophiles-abuse-four-corners/105926324

I havent rtft but I'm geniunely surprised as I expressed the same opinion on a deeply MC / high earning / "educated" mums WA group where the question of male carers in the baby room came up and i was roundly and soundly shouted down by the group and dismissed as an uneducated hysterical idiot (they were more erudite in their articulation about the stupidity of my views 🤣🤣) so assumed i was a minority

I didn't send my kids to nursery but if I had done, I wouldn't have sent them to one with male workers. And no I don't care if that upsets men or frankly anyone.

That's the key thing here. Male or female, there should be more than one supervising.

My late baby son's lead nurse in the NICU was male. He would have changed his clothes, wires, nappy ect. My baby was 3 days old so completely vulnerable as you could get. I completely trusted him, our baby was dying. He was fantastic to be honest.

I wont in any way criticise any parent who makes choices for their kids so if this mom wants to remove her kids, absolutely, but do we ban all men in settings with young children, babies? Physios, nurses, doctors - all extremely hands on professions?