AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

Not a chance in hell. A man in a nursery is major safe guarding fail. A nice face and a quiet demeanor is nothing. Trust your gut and pull your child out now. Why is this even a debate?

We know that women as a demographic, across the board, commit only 2% of sexual offences. We know that men as a demographic commit 98%. While the overall risk may remain low, it is magnitudes higher with a man, than with a woman.

We also know that paedophiles deliberately infiltrate nurseries and day cares, because it gives them easy access to victims, so the percentage of paedophiles will be skewed far, far higher in nurseries than across the general population.

Given these things, the sensible choice is to make sure your child is cared for by a woman.

Also, multiple studies have shown that men will self admit to rape and sexual assault at rates of between 7% and 39%, depending on the study. So I'm afraid you can probably throw your estimated numbers out. They're just not relevant.

The same is true of women - we don't know how many women nursery workers are abusing children and not getting caught.

Look, I'm just saying that if you're going to use statistics to make a risk assessment about how likely your child is to be abused by a male nursery worker, use more relevant statistics. Because, well, probablility and maths and stuff.

Because I'm a data geek I did the maths as best as I could.

TLDR: Using the most doom-laden scenario planning I could, the chances that any given adult male in the UK is a child sex abuser is in the region of 0.02%. Meaning that there is a 99.08% chance that he is not.

The overwhelming majority of those incidents will happen where a man is least likely to be caught: at home. Then factor in all the additional safeguarding precautions that nurseries take with all their employees. Then add in all the extra attention to safeguarding that the horrific case in the news recently will have brought to every nursery in the country.

Now you may still think that this is an unacceptable risk to take, but I think it is a more useful statistic to bear in mind and elicits a more proportionate response than thinking solely about the figure 98% of all sex abuse being committed by men. There are 23 million men in England, and thank fuck that the overwhelming majority of them are not child sex abusers. Are not any type of abuser, in fact.

The long version with the maths for those who want to read it:

ONS figure for Total number of crimes flagged as child sexual abuse and/or relating to indecent images of children April 2024 to March 2025 (England): 122,938 (Fucking hell, I have no words).

Yes, we know there are crimes that don't go reported. We don't know how many, but Criminal Injuries Helpline whoever they are suggest about 72% of adults who 72% of adults who experienced sexual abuse as a child do not tell anyone at the time of the abuse, so I'll call it three quarters don't get reported and quadruple that first figure: 4 x 112,938 = 451,752.

98% of sexual crimes are by men, so 98% of that is: 442,717
(leaving 9.035 of sexual crimes against children committed by women)

Population over 18 in the UK in mid 2025: 46,437,085
49.25% are men (call it 50%) - 23,218,543

Assuming the most dangerous case scenario, that each CSA crime was committed by a different man (whereas in reality each guilty man will be responsible for multiple).

442,717 crimes divided by 23 million men: 0.019.

For each individual man in the UK, there is a 0.02% chance that he is a child sex abuser.

There is a 99.08% chance that he is not.

The same is true of women - we don't know how many women nursery workers are abusing children and not getting caught.

Look, I'm just saying that if you're going to use statistics to make a risk assessment about how likely your child is to be abused by a male nursery worker, use more relevant statistics. Because, well, probablility and maths and stuff.

Because I'm a data geek I did the maths as best as I could.

TLDR: Using the most doom-laden scenario planning I could, the chances that any given adult male in the UK is a child sex abuser is in the region of 0.02%. Meaning that there is a 99.08% chance that he is not.

The overwhelming majority of those incidents will happen where a man is least likely to be caught: at home. Then factor in all the additional safeguarding precautions that nurseries take with all their employees. Then add in all the extra attention to safeguarding that the horrific case in the news recently will have brought to every nursery in the country.

Now you may still think that this is an unacceptable risk to take, but I think it is a more useful statistic to bear in mind and elicits a more proportionate response than thinking solely about the figure 98% of all sex abuse being committed by men. There are 23 million men in England, and thank fuck that the overwhelming majority of them are not child sex abusers. Are not any type of abuser, in fact.

The long version with the maths for those who want to read it:

ONS figure for Total number of crimes flagged as child sexual abuse and/or relating to indecent images of children April 2024 to March 2025 (England): 122,938 (Fucking hell, I have no words).

Yes, we know there are crimes that don't go reported. We don't know how many, but Criminal Injuries Helpline whoever they are suggest about 72% of adults who 72% of adults who experienced sexual abuse as a child do not tell anyone at the time of the abuse, so I'll call it three quarters don't get reported and quadruple that first figure: 4 x 112,938 = 451,752.

98% of sexual crimes are by men, so 98% of that is: 442,717
(leaving 9.035 of sexual crimes against children committed by women)

Population over 18 in the UK in mid 2025: 46,437,085
49.25% are men (call it 50%) - 23,218,543

Assuming the most dangerous case scenario, that each CSA crime was committed by a different man (whereas in reality each guilty man will be responsible for multiple).

442,717 crimes divided by 23 million men: 0.019.

For each individual man in the UK, there is a 0.02% chance that he is a child sex abuser.

There is a 99.08% chance that he is not.

I’ve no idea why people can’t see why male nursery workers are a bad idea.

Yes - on VERY RARE occasions children are harmed by females.

But until we invent a robot, SOMEONE has to look after children and it makes sense to avoid the sex class that is VASTLY more statistically likely to abuse.

Why stop there? Surely if you want to reduce the risk as much as humanly possible, you would, as the child's mother, look after the child yourself, rather than ever considering running the risk of trusting a female stranger?

Maybe all of those feminists who fought long and hard for the rights of women to be able to work outside the home had it all wrong all along, eh? Best to leave the jobs outside the home for the men, to keep them well away from children and make everybody safer?

That's impossible to know though, as you don't know how many male nursery workers are abusing children and haven't been caught, so those stats are going to be lower than the reality. All you can reliably judge on is which sex has the lowest overall risk by an enormous amount.

Why would you deliberately choose to leave your child with the demographic that commits 98% of all sexual abuse?

I'm sure the percentage of XL Bullys who actually attack people is really low. But no one would say a person is hysterical for not letting their toddler spend eight hours a day, five days a week with one.

I’ve no idea why people can’t see why male nursery workers are a bad idea.

Yes - on VERY RARE occasions children are harmed by females.

But until we invent a robot, SOMEONE has to look after children and it makes sense to avoid the sex class that is VASTLY more statistically likely to abuse.

I don’t really understand the GP or police comments but I would say youre concerned about how upset your dd is and can she spend more time with the female workers she is closer to. Also ask and get them to affirm the nappy situation as a separate point.

The people saying it’s definitely nothing and
you should blindly trust them scare
me.

School is completely different. Children are able to verbalise their experiences and although not completely safe, it’s much safer than tiny children and babies that are unable to express any harm or ill treatment.

An Australian survey concluded that one in six men or 15% admitted sexual feelings towards children. I do dread to think how many it would be if every one was honest.

If you're going to choose the sex of your nursery workers from statistics, you need to use the correct statistics.

What percentage of men in the UK commit sexual offences?
What percentage of male nursery workers commit sexual offences against the children in their care?

Those are more relevant statistics.

If you're going to choose the sex of your nursery workers from statistics, you need to use the correct statistics.

What percentage of men in the UK commit sexual offences?
What percentage of male nursery workers commit sexual offences against the children in their care?

Those are more relevant statistics.

Hysterics? Gracious, us silly women, being concerned by the statistics! When will we learn?

Men as a demographic ruin things for themselves by being 98% of sexual offenders. Not all men, no, but almost always men, and that needs to be taken into account. Would you rather have the demographic that only commits 2% of sexual offences look after your non-verbal child, or the demographic that commits 98%? And how is that even a choice?

I'm sure that the majority of American XL Bully type dogs are lovely and gentle, but the fact that they comprise half (not 98% but a mere half) of fatal dog attacks means that very few parents would be happy to leave their toddler in the company of an XL Bully. I think most people would consider that reasonable and not at all hysterical. Gosh, I wonder why?

I would get advice from your GP and the police. Don’t make accusations but just get advice from appropriate places.

Listen to your gut.
I'd never send my child to a nursery with male workers.

A female athlete said re. abuse in sport - ‘not all coaches are paedophiles but all paedophiles would like to be coaches’

While there could be a number of reasons I would always always always trust your gut. You know your child.

The male nursery worker who was recently arrested is not the only one. Most men who abuse children find ways to work with them - Doctors, nurses, nursery workers, foster parents, clergy, Boy Scout leaders. I often think in the name of being progressive and pc we are scared to name the very real increase in risks.