AIBU - 2 year old suddenly crying at nursery with male staff member

OR we could value these roles and pay them more highly ;)

I saw at least one post say it was ridiculous and separate anxiety was normal.

I mean pedophiles don’t need to work hard to have access to children in early year settings because half the posters on here would open the door, drop their kids in their laps and skip away into the sunset. Jesus. You can copy and paste several studies, statistics and articles but some people will forever be male serving.

I wouldn’t have sent my children to nursery but especially not to a nursery with a male staff member. My friend used to work in nurseries and although there are meant to be things in place to minimise the chance of abuse, she said those things often don’t happen due to lack of staff and people just being complacent. It’s not a risk I’d take with my children.

It is very important that men are encouraged and supported to work in the childcare sector. Otherwise women will continue to be the only ones working in the underpaid social care roles why do we want to pigeon hole ourselves like that? Also why do we think the indirect messaging to children that only women can do these roles is a positive for our daughters and our sons?

When I was a child, my father was the parent who looked after my brother and me. He prepared the evening meal when he got back from work, bathed us (only on a Sunday in those days), read to us, and got up in the night if we were unwell. At the time (the 1960s) this was pretty unusual. Consequently, it has never seemed odd to me that men should care for small children. I think that some adults are just more attuned to what children need than others, even though the assumption continues to be made that women are more nurturing than men. But the figures on child sexual abuse speak loudly. It is for childcare professionals collectively to devise enhanced child protection and safeguarding measures that both reassure parents and enable men to work in the sector.

I think it’s really important to have men working at nurseries and infant schools. There are so many children being brought up by a single mum, myself included, and lacking in a positive male role model. We should be encouraging men to come into the profession.

No I agree. Ive heard many men say that the reason they feel awkward when their mum or partner coos over a baby and nudges them to acknowledge it is because theyre worried people will think they are a paedophile.

In fact, when i was growing up, one of the boys around my way just had a way with little ones. They always gravitated towards him. These kids would be the siblings and nieces and nephews of his friends. His friends used to rib him about being a paedo.

It's toxic masculinity at work.

We need more men in childcare, not because we want to uplift or pander to men, but because we need children to see that men and women are both equally able to nurture and most normal people want to live in a society where men and women are treated equally.

We also need to ensure good safeguarding to protect children against a minority of men who might be seeking access to children for the wrong reasons. No-one- male or female- should be left alone with children.

Because most nurseries follow legislation and best practise to keep children safe, abuse in nurseries is rare, and when it does happen, it makes national news. In the recent case of Vincent Chan, I don't doubt that Bright Horizons will be conducting an internal review to find out how this happened.

However, is what he did worse than Katie Roughley, who effectively tortured a baby girl to death? This isn't a Disney movie, and you can't tell who is a villain just by looking at them.

But who is weirdly assuming that childcare facilities should be female-only spaces?

There's a world of difference between a toilet facility, changing room, prison, close living quarters that is exclusively for the safety, privacy and dignity of females (all of which have a separate male equivalent for men) and an institutionalised daytime version of the nuclear family home - with children being looked after, protected and cared for by adults.

Can you imagine the uproar if somebody tried to start a male-only nursery, with exclusively male staff (all DBS checked, vetted and subject to strict safeguarding rules, of course) for male babies and toddlers only - who in turn could then maintain their dignity, at an age where they cannot yet express their consent, in not being forced to have their nappies changed and bums wiped by a stranger of the opposite sex?!

@Francine84How is her speech? Could she tell you anything about what they do at nursery? Which adults do what?

It probably is nothing, but I completely understand the worry. Maybe before you go to any agency, you could try to find out if there was anything unpleasant from your DD? 'Playing' nursery, either role play or with dolls, might get her to show you what's wrong.

It could easily be something innocent like the female staff will hug her, but he doesn't so she doesn't like him. Or he's a bit stricter than the others. Or he doesn't do the activities she likes. But it's worth trying to find out what it is or you'll kill yourself with worry.

Horrible, isn't it? Is this the kind of society that we actively prefer to live in?

I'm thinking back to the times when people would shudder in terror every time they heard somebody with a NI accent speaking.

And even now, there are still people who see a black or Asian face and automatically assume the worst possible scenario and avoid them at all costs - one enormous homogenous, dangerous lump and certainly not just a whole load of ordinary individual people encompassing the entire spectrum of humanity, just like everybody else.

https://x.com/bindelj/status/1996282869875150994?s=46&t=kS1Jlgo9qmN1IdMmSHL7UA

Maybe most men would run a mile from wanting to work in a nursery school... which may be why most men don't work in nurseries.

Plenty of women would hate it too... which may be why most women in the population don't work in nurseries either.

But 'most' is absolutely not the same as 'all'. People are not one great big homogenous lump - or even two big homogenous lumps, one male and one female.

Like with anything, there will be people who find it rewarding doing a job that many people would run a mile from - steeplejack, working on a building site, caring for elderly people with dementia, traffic warden, zookeeper just to name a few off the top of my head - even if they see that reward as nothing more than doing an essential job well with pride and to the best of their capabilities and then earning a living from it.

When women first started campaigning to be given the vote, they too were treated with great suspicion. It was a clear red flag, as what woman would even want to busy herself with men's stuff like politics, finances, the economy and all that?

The same with women wanting to be allowed to work outside the home and earn their own money - even thinking that they should be paid as much as men, who obviously needed to be the family breadwinners!

Their nefarious motives were crystal clear and all concerned citizens rightly did as much as they could to try to put a stop to these dangerous people acting completely against nature and the clearly proper order of how the world should work........

I haven’t read the whole thread OP.
But just on your first post, go with your instincts! Take her out!

My youngest started at a nursery, she got progressively worse going in, the last day she went she was dragged off me screaming. It became apparent the staff were threatening and punishing toddlers for wetting themselves amongst other things 😢 She never went back.
Started at a pre-school a couple of weeks later and was happy as larry again.

So hysterical!

Let’s face it, the only way to keep your child completely safe and eliminate all risk is to supervise them, just you and them always.

No nursery, no child minder, no school, groups, clubs. No husband, partner, family members.

We all live with risks. It is part of life.

Agreed! I only read your exchange with them after writing up my reply, and their replies are absolutely red flags.

Generally, I'm shocked by the number of people who can read that paedophiles are specifically using nurseries as hunting grounds, and still want to have male nursery workers.

As mothers we should reduce risk as much as possible, and not having male nursery workers is a very easy way to reduce the risk of catastrophic damage to our children. So why would people not be in favour of that? It's disturbing to see just how deeply ingrained the desire to uplift men at the cost of everything else is.

For balance, my 4 have been to multiple nurseries over the years, all bar 1 Female only, the works nursery we used for 3 years took on a male, kids loved him. Kids used to follow him around in the toddler room.

#3 child had a period of being unsettled at an all F nursery after no previous issues. Turned out to be she didn’t like one of the other children who kept invading her space.

talk to the nursery.

I don't interact with strange kids in public because I know it makes some parents uncomfortable and scared. I used to if I was with my wife as then we'd both be smiling and interacting. That seemed less scary

It's shit that this is the case but I think it's better to not interact and not stress/upset the parent

but if the men who do love children and would naturally smile and interact with them in a kind, engaging way do so, if they know that it will be seen as proof positive that are seeking to 'access them', are seriously creepy and are almost certainly paedophiles... do you blame them for deliberately looking away and ignoring babies and toddlers on the bus or in the street?

This - it's a seriously damaging attitude to society to have.

Exactly, what on earth are the call the police posts about? Say what exactly? That your child cries at nursery drop off - what exactly are they supposed to do about that?!
Lots of kids do, and get separation anxiety and are fine minutes after you've gone. Doesn't automatically mean anything nefarious!

But if the men who do love children and would naturally smile and interact with them in a kind, engaging way do so, if they know that it will be seen as proof positive that are seeking to 'access them', are seriously creepy and are almost certainly paedophiles... do you blame them for deliberately looking away and ignoring babies and toddlers on the bus or in the street?

It's a big vicious circle. Obviously not all adults are fond of children - which is fine - but why would we just weirdly assume that none of the adults who make up 50% of all parents could have a genuine love and affinity for children without assuming that they want to abuse them?

Some of the posts on this thread are hysterical. Suggesting that a man who wants to work with children must only want to do so because they're a predatory paedophile seeking access to victims - seriously? Do you assume that's the only reason a man would volunteer at beavers or cubs, or become a primary school teacher? Or a children's doctor?

A child is most likely to be abused in their home by your new boyfriend, your brother, your father, your friend you've known for 20 years and happily let babysit them. What safeguarding procedures are in place for when their dad baths them or changes their nappy? Oh, that's not necessary because he's their dad, he would never? Okay then. If you're going to assume all men would be paedophiles and abuse children if they had access to them, then look closer to home. Or rationalise that maybe you are being unreasonable.