Page 8 | Need people's views on what just happened in my home

Spiderwoman123 · 2025-12-03T19:21:19+00:00

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way. H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting! Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room Pls tell me what to do

sprigatito · 04/12/2025 20:51

DeftWasp · 04/12/2025 20:45

To be clear, I don't disapprove of corporal punishment so long as it is moderate and as the law in a certain jurisdiction dictates - or other forms of punishment (ie withdrawal of an item, say access to a device). I also previously stated that in this case the DH's approach was not appropriate.

In my reply to the OP I am simply pointing out, that involving an outside agency, be that the school / social services etc. that they will have a duty of care to her children and it will be entirely at their discretion how they proceed, that is a fact.

It seems the OP has trouble in maintaining good discipline, as much trouble as her DH has - it seems they are both failing in different ways. Meanwhile the DS has to grow up and live in a world where he has to follow rules, do as he is told etc. regardless of MH diagnosis - so he is not currently being well served.

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there is no moderate corporal punishment, just as there is no moderate domestic violence and no moderate animal abuse. It is wrong.
OP doesn’t seem to have any trouble maintaining “good discipline” at all when her husband is absent, in fact she seems very practised at managing dysregulated behaviour and diffusing situations.
the child is autistic, and will be autistic all of his life, so he is going to “live in the world” differently from his neurotypical peers whether his parents brutalise him or not. If OP continues to follow her instincts and meet his needs -away from his vindictive manchild of a father - he’ll have the opportunity to build a happy and successful life, whatever that looks like for him.

DeftWasp · 04/12/2025 20:45

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 20:33

You seem to have changed your tune since you posted the following which Mumsnet deleted:

'What would be wrong with your DH giving DS a good firm but fair smack if he is naughty? presuming it's legal in your part of the country it is quite effective.'

You are trying to scare the OP by telling her that she has opened the door to Social Service who could take her child into care. OP is a capable and patient parent to her neurodivergent son and has learned everything she can to help her parent effectively, including taking classes. Her DH is too arrogant to think he has anything to learn about parenting a child with autism and he has now used physical abuse against DS1 with zero remorse or self-reflection.

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To be clear, I don't disapprove of corporal punishment so long as it is moderate and as the law in a certain jurisdiction dictates - or other forms of punishment (ie withdrawal of an item, say access to a device). I also previously stated that in this case the DH's approach was not appropriate.

In my reply to the OP I am simply pointing out, that involving an outside agency, be that the school / social services etc. that they will have a duty of care to her children and it will be entirely at their discretion how they proceed, that is a fact.

It seems the OP has trouble in maintaining good discipline, as much trouble as her DH has - it seems they are both failing in different ways. Meanwhile the DS has to grow up and live in a world where he has to follow rules, do as he is told etc. regardless of MH diagnosis - so he is not currently being well served.

Talullahspolkadotbikin · 04/12/2025 20:42

I am not saying stay by any means but it will then mean H parenting your DC alone.

sprigatito · 04/12/2025 20:38

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 20:33

You seem to have changed your tune since you posted the following which Mumsnet deleted:

'What would be wrong with your DH giving DS a good firm but fair smack if he is naughty? presuming it's legal in your part of the country it is quite effective.'

You are trying to scare the OP by telling her that she has opened the door to Social Service who could take her child into care. OP is a capable and patient parent to her neurodivergent son and has learned everything she can to help her parent effectively, including taking classes. Her DH is too arrogant to think he has anything to learn about parenting a child with autism and he has now used physical abuse against DS1 with zero remorse or self-reflection.

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People who batter their children often are quite scared of Social Services tbh…as they should be.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 20:33

DeftWasp · 04/12/2025 20:01

The other posters here are right - you have opened the door to Social Services. They don't know you, and they won't take your viewpoint at face value, why should they?, they have a job to do, and not an easy one.

They will scrutinise both you and your DH in depth, and once involved they will stay involved until they can be sure that there is no longer a risk to your children.

The remit they have is not to help you or your DH, but rather to safeguard the interests of the child, and that can range from supportive actions to taking a child into care, and it's at their discretion, they will be in the driving seat.

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You seem to have changed your tune since you posted the following which Mumsnet deleted:

'What would be wrong with your DH giving DS a good firm but fair smack if he is naughty? presuming it's legal in your part of the country it is quite effective.'

You are trying to scare the OP by telling her that she has opened the door to Social Service who could take her child into care. OP is a capable and patient parent to her neurodivergent son and has learned everything she can to help her parent effectively, including taking classes. Her DH is too arrogant to think he has anything to learn about parenting a child with autism and he has now used physical abuse against DS1 with zero remorse or self-reflection.

PandorasJam · 04/12/2025 20:31

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:24

Yes. "Listen little boy, if you try to hit someone then a full grown man will hit you harder." Thankfully in most countries, this is illegal.

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Actually I meant everyone, e.g. other kids at school. Just something that he may now be old enough to understand.

wrongthinker · 04/12/2025 20:29

Wtfdoidoplease · 04/12/2025 20:23

She has taken action: she has emailed the school, phoned a charity, and arranged a meeting. Stop bullying a mum who is doing exactly what she should be doing. Did you even read the thread?

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I'm not bullying her. I read the whole thread and until this last update, there was no indication that she was doing anything at all other than hoping her son would tell a teacher, worrying that she'd upset her husband, and speaking to a charity who advised her to focus on her husband and had nothing to say about the abuse of her child.

I'm glad if she is taking appropriate steps now. Those kids need protecting.

Wtfdoidoplease · 04/12/2025 20:24

OP, you are being very brave, please ignore some of the hectoring responses on here. It’s great that you have told the school. So many of us are rooting for you and your kids x

Wtfdoidoplease · 04/12/2025 20:23

wrongthinker · 04/12/2025 20:18

I'm sorry, OP, but no, you're not keeping your son safe. He isn't safe. You watched him being thrown to the ground by an adult, and your response was to think, I hope he tells someone at school. You were there. He told YOU. That should have been enough for you to take action.

You've been complicit in your husband's abuse of your son - "trying to keep it together" while your son is left to fend for himself.

Your husband is a grown man who threw his six-year-old onto a concrete floor over a chicken nugget. You need to step up and start protecting your kids.

I'm sure that's hard to hear - I've no doubt you love your children. But you need to find your courage now.

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She has taken action: she has emailed the school, phoned a charity, and arranged a meeting. Stop bullying a mum who is doing exactly what she should be doing. Did you even read the thread?

wrongthinker · 04/12/2025 20:18

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:53

You said social services won't just look at my H but ask why I didnt keep my son safe? I am keeping him safe. How csn you say you didnt say anything negative at my parenting while also saying ive failed to keep my son safe?

Yes I do feel guilt. Guilt that this is my life. Im trying to sort it out. You question whether my husband is "struggling". We are all struggling. Most of all my son.

Im sorry I've irked you. Thanks. No need to reply think probs nothinh good comes from our interactions here.

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I'm sorry, OP, but no, you're not keeping your son safe. He isn't safe. You watched him being thrown to the ground by an adult, and your response was to think, I hope he tells someone at school. You were there. He told YOU. That should have been enough for you to take action.

You've been complicit in your husband's abuse of your son - "trying to keep it together" while your son is left to fend for himself.

Your husband is a grown man who threw his six-year-old onto a concrete floor over a chicken nugget. You need to step up and start protecting your kids.

I'm sure that's hard to hear - I've no doubt you love your children. But you need to find your courage now.

User18394111 · 04/12/2025 20:12

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 16:07

that's basically word for word what H said in the aftermath last night. "sure, what happened wasn't ideal and i didn't mean for him to end up on the floor like that, but you give him puddings too easily". I found it utterly confusing - giving puddings too easily - that feels like normal parenting stuff - throwing your kid on the floor is not normal parenting stuff. they are not comparable.

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https://blog.jkp.com/2018/01/eat-peas-wont-get-ice-cream-five-reasons-withholding-dessert-will-backfire/
The advice from experts is not to withhold dessert. It doesn’t work and can cause food issues. If others are served dessert then everyone should be. Or give everyone fruit instead.

5 Reasons Why Withholding Dessert Will Backfire by Jo Cormack

When people ask me which question I get asked the most by parents of picky eaters, they are often surprised at the answer. It isn’t: ‘how can I get my child to eat more veggies?’ or even: ‘how can I get my child to try new foods?’ It is: ‘how should I...

https://blog.jkp.com/2018/01/eat-peas-wont-get-ice-cream-five-reasons-withholding-dessert-will-backfire/

Imdunfer · 04/12/2025 20:08

Auhdandme · 04/12/2025 20:00

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Your making things up again I havnt said once you failed to keep your son safe. Everything I've wrote is in black and white,

Your right I won't be replying to you again as twice you've outright lied about what I've said for dramatic effect

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But she did fall to keep her son safe!

She failed to keep her son safe because her son's father behaved like a child.

It isn't her fault, but allowing him to continue down this path probably would be.

Thoughts are with you OP, you are going through a tough time.

BuckChuckets · 04/12/2025 20:04

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:53

You said social services won't just look at my H but ask why I didnt keep my son safe? I am keeping him safe. How csn you say you didnt say anything negative at my parenting while also saying ive failed to keep my son safe?

Yes I do feel guilt. Guilt that this is my life. Im trying to sort it out. You question whether my husband is "struggling". We are all struggling. Most of all my son.

Im sorry I've irked you. Thanks. No need to reply think probs nothinh good comes from our interactions here.

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It's a fact that you'll be looked at in terms of whether you kept your son safe, I'm not sure why you're having a go at that poster, when you were thanking people who gave knowledgeable, albeit scary, advice/experience. You're taking steps to keep your children safe, so focus on that.

DeftWasp · 04/12/2025 20:01

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:53

You said social services won't just look at my H but ask why I didnt keep my son safe? I am keeping him safe. How csn you say you didnt say anything negative at my parenting while also saying ive failed to keep my son safe?

Yes I do feel guilt. Guilt that this is my life. Im trying to sort it out. You question whether my husband is "struggling". We are all struggling. Most of all my son.

Im sorry I've irked you. Thanks. No need to reply think probs nothinh good comes from our interactions here.

Show quote history

The other posters here are right - you have opened the door to Social Services. They don't know you, and they won't take your viewpoint at face value, why should they?, they have a job to do, and not an easy one.

They will scrutinise both you and your DH in depth, and once involved they will stay involved until they can be sure that there is no longer a risk to your children.

The remit they have is not to help you or your DH, but rather to safeguard the interests of the child, and that can range from supportive actions to taking a child into care, and it's at their discretion, they will be in the driving seat.

Auhdandme · 04/12/2025 20:00

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:53

You said social services won't just look at my H but ask why I didnt keep my son safe? I am keeping him safe. How csn you say you didnt say anything negative at my parenting while also saying ive failed to keep my son safe?

Yes I do feel guilt. Guilt that this is my life. Im trying to sort it out. You question whether my husband is "struggling". We are all struggling. Most of all my son.

Im sorry I've irked you. Thanks. No need to reply think probs nothinh good comes from our interactions here.

Show quote history

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Your making things up again I havnt said once you failed to keep your son safe. Everything I've wrote is in black and white,

Your right I won't be replying to you again as twice you've outright lied about what I've said for dramatic effect

Original poster

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:53

Auhdandme · 04/12/2025 19:40

Quoting myself here as that post has really irked me

That whole post is so emotional because you feel guilty.

i'm not sure what some of you feel hellbent on mkaing out i'm unsafe or that somehow yesterday was my fault

Prior to this I think I've posted twice and both times I was questioning if your husband was ND and if maybe he was struggling. I've not once said anything negative about your parenting

If me saying social services will ask you why you didn't protect your child.... has led to such a huge irrational emotional post ( with lies added into it for emotional effect ) then I do unfortunetly worry for your DS. One parent who is physically abusive and one parent who starts making things up when they get emotional

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You said social services won't just look at my H but ask why I didnt keep my son safe? I am keeping him safe. How csn you say you didnt say anything negative at my parenting while also saying ive failed to keep my son safe?

Yes I do feel guilt. Guilt that this is my life. Im trying to sort it out. You question whether my husband is "struggling". We are all struggling. Most of all my son.

Im sorry I've irked you. Thanks. No need to reply think probs nothinh good comes from our interactions here.

OP posts:

bigboykitty · 04/12/2025 19:43

It sounds like your H came home acting all cock-a-hoop, @Spiderwoman123 . I don't think he went to the gym. I think he's bricking it. He was probably hiding somewhere, keeping an eye on the house to see if social care turned up. Just give him a withering look and tell him not to even try this bullshit. He's pathetic. He should not be turning up to spend time with you or your children. He's an abuser and needs to be kept away, not given more opportunity to abuse and subvert the narrative.

Auhdandme · 04/12/2025 19:40

Auhdandme · 04/12/2025 19:29

It wasn't a personal attack, I said

Social services will get involved and not all the blame will be placed on the husband. They are going to ask OP why she didn't protect her child and why she continued to have her child around someone the OP says is abusive
This won't be the husband is abusive get rid of him case closed. OP is going to have to prove that she can keep her children safe

That is factual. If social were to get involved they would want you to be able to guarantee that you could keep your son safe

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Quoting myself here as that post has really irked me

That whole post is so emotional because you feel guilty.

i'm not sure what some of you feel hellbent on mkaing out i'm unsafe or that somehow yesterday was my fault

Prior to this I think I've posted twice and both times I was questioning if your husband was ND and if maybe he was struggling. I've not once said anything negative about your parenting

If me saying social services will ask you why you didn't protect your child.... has led to such a huge irrational emotional post ( with lies added into it for emotional effect ) then I do unfortunetly worry for your DS. One parent who is physically abusive and one parent who starts making things up when they get emotional

BountifulPantry · 04/12/2025 19:38

OP I really advise you to call Samaritans. It’s not just for suicidal people. Tell them what you’re going through and get it all out to an impartial non judgmental person. You can say just about anything to them and they’ll just listen. Cry it out. You’ll feel clearer headed trust me.

Breadandbutta · 04/12/2025 19:31

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:23

Right - i'm not sure what is going on with these latest posts but some of you just want to hvae a go at me. I've already said i've emailed the school telling them everything @CarolHolly so no i'm not relying on DS telling his teachers at all. I've told the school within 12 hours of it happening.

@Auhdandme - why do you not think it's real? i'm just reporting what just happened. that's it.

And pls don't make out i'm not a safe adult. Please. It's so unbelieavably hurtful. I'm taking action. I have been fighting for him for years. With the local authority, with his teachers, doing the work. Last night - when the incident happened - i scooped him up, told H to get away from him, picked them both up and took them upstairs. I didn't let H near them and put them to bath/bed. I then picked them up early from school today, and have a meeting booked tomorrow.

Sure - tell me i need to do more, i need to stop makign excuses for H. But this characterisation that i'm some unsafe, unrealiable mum that is making stuff up or not taking action is absolute bullshit. this is my life and my real kids and i'm not sure what some of you feel hellbent on mkaing out i'm unsafe or that somehow yesterday was my fault.

Spider woman you are doing a fab job as a mum in advocating for your children. The send crisis in this country is real and it is a burden that weighs heavily on the mothers. Did you see the BBC panorama about ehcps - it was the mum's who were advocating for their kids, navigating the send system etc.
Marriage breakdown is so common in ND families. Undiagnosed ND in adults is also really hard. And I think it's very countercultural for a man to not parent in an authoritative way, because of the way society puts men in positions of respect, especially historically. Children of the post war generation were raised in a strict way with a very authoritarian approach. Parenting ND children is so different to that now. It looks permissive and like you lack boundaries, but that isn't the case. It's about avoiding escalating situations. I really hope you can get support for your DH, that he will engage with. You sound like a brilliant mum. Xx

Auhdandme · 04/12/2025 19:29

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:23

Right - i'm not sure what is going on with these latest posts but some of you just want to hvae a go at me. I've already said i've emailed the school telling them everything @CarolHolly so no i'm not relying on DS telling his teachers at all. I've told the school within 12 hours of it happening.

@Auhdandme - why do you not think it's real? i'm just reporting what just happened. that's it.

And pls don't make out i'm not a safe adult. Please. It's so unbelieavably hurtful. I'm taking action. I have been fighting for him for years. With the local authority, with his teachers, doing the work. Last night - when the incident happened - i scooped him up, told H to get away from him, picked them both up and took them upstairs. I didn't let H near them and put them to bath/bed. I then picked them up early from school today, and have a meeting booked tomorrow.

Sure - tell me i need to do more, i need to stop makign excuses for H. But this characterisation that i'm some unsafe, unrealiable mum that is making stuff up or not taking action is absolute bullshit. this is my life and my real kids and i'm not sure what some of you feel hellbent on mkaing out i'm unsafe or that somehow yesterday was my fault.

It wasn't a personal attack, I said

Social services will get involved and not all the blame will be placed on the husband. They are going to ask OP why she didn't protect her child and why she continued to have her child around someone the OP says is abusive
This won't be the husband is abusive get rid of him case closed. OP is going to have to prove that she can keep her children safe

That is factual. If social were to get involved they would want you to be able to guarantee that you could keep your son safe

Silverwinged · 04/12/2025 19:24

OP, you say your husband is "kind" and "loving", but you list that he does the following:

Blatantly favors one child over another
Throws his own son on the floor
Is quick to anger
Is self-absorbed ("Did anyone miss me?")
Refuses to be an adult and use calm authority
Blames everyone for his own behavior, but himself

I am missing where the "kind" and "loving" part come in? Or does he only does this when it is convenient for him?

I think it would be best to get both your children away from this man. Your eldest already thinks your husband is the "boss" of the family. Your husband is setting a terrible example and is traumatizing you all in the process.

Original poster

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 19:23

Right - i'm not sure what is going on with these latest posts but some of you just want to hvae a go at me. I've already said i've emailed the school telling them everything @CarolHolly so no i'm not relying on DS telling his teachers at all. I've told the school within 12 hours of it happening.

@Auhdandme - why do you not think it's real? i'm just reporting what just happened. that's it.

And pls don't make out i'm not a safe adult. Please. It's so unbelieavably hurtful. I'm taking action. I have been fighting for him for years. With the local authority, with his teachers, doing the work. Last night - when the incident happened - i scooped him up, told H to get away from him, picked them both up and took them upstairs. I didn't let H near them and put them to bath/bed. I then picked them up early from school today, and have a meeting booked tomorrow.

Sure - tell me i need to do more, i need to stop makign excuses for H. But this characterisation that i'm some unsafe, unrealiable mum that is making stuff up or not taking action is absolute bullshit. this is my life and my real kids and i'm not sure what some of you feel hellbent on mkaing out i'm unsafe or that somehow yesterday was my fault.

OP posts:

Breadandbutta · 04/12/2025 19:18

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 15:03

I have ND in my family. Quite prevalent in fact. I suspect my daughter is. Sensory issues, doesn’t the feel of creams or make up, clothes have to be of a certain fabric. Hates loud music & until recently massively struggled with friends. I have nephews, my brother & 2 mates with non verbal boys. I know the advice is pretty universal, which is basically interpreted as they can’t help it & you must understand, where the line between what’s bad behaviour & that of what they can’t help is muddied. As you say they’re ND but they’re still children learning the ways of world. As a parent it’s your duty to prepare them for it. Life is harder but you can still have boundaries & face consequences, because that’s life. Everyone has a boundary & every interaction they’ll ever have will see consequences. If they aren’t taught that & grow up in an environment that solely caters for their needs you’re setting them up for failure. Thats not me being mean, it’s being real.

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Depends on neurodivergent needs though. Some people whose neurodivergent brains impact them clinically cannot cope, until such a time as their prefrontal cortex has developed to cope with the demands of life. For example, it is well known in research that children with ADHD have the prefrontal cortex functioning of child 3-4 years younger. That means a 6 year old could have the emotional regulation of a 2 year old. We hear about the terrible twos and threenagers, but what about when your 7 year old has the emotional capacity of a 3 year old? That isn't easy to manage, especially when the world says that a 7 year old ought to behave in a certain way.

CarolHolly · 04/12/2025 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Exactly - OP is hoping her child will tell a teacher and if he does, it’s because a teacher is the first safe adult he can think of to tell.