Need people's views on what just happened in my home

He is a grown man!

@Differentforgirls

I don’t see it as a reward. I see it as recognising things are not working and trying to find a solution. If it worked then

I would expect DH to then work with the same methods. The children would be happier, my husband then happier.

If it worked but DH didn’t/refused work to the same methods then there’s a real issue with his mental attitude towards his family’s needs, that definitely needs addressing - that could be medical help or separation.

If it was the other way around, I would expect DH to help me try to find ways to cope.

He’s six.

If he hits another child at school he won’t be thrown off a chair by the teacher.

You would reward a grown man who works part time for abusing his son? Wow.

I think the H needs to be more supportive and help you. The boy has anger issues, but the care and effort he needs depends on how he usually is, is it a mental health issue, or is it just impluses.

@Auhdandme but she did protect her son! 🤷‍♀️

Parenting is exhausting even with children without ASD, they all test the limits!

I can only tell you what I would do in this situation. First recognise DH isn’t coping and is making situations with children worse.
Second show him this if he isn’t listening to me. I’d tell him he has the week off from all children / house duties. His job is to just chill out after work, watch TV or something. I’d do all the cooking and look after the kids. I’d get the 6 year old to help prepare the food that he’d like to eat and let the kids eat their dinner - without adults eating - but with me sitting at the table chatting to them. Adults can get together later. I’d be in charge of everything; bath time, reading time and bed time - no help from DH for one week, keeping my cool when challenges arise.
Fingers crossed - a much calmer week and DH learns how to keep the peace.

I understand that this may be easier said than done. It’s just what I’d try.

You can't fix this situation alone, and you can't carry the marriage alone. You need the other adult to see the need to change and to make the effort, if you want to have any chance of fixing things. Unfortunately it's as simple as that.

Draconian.

Just wanted to send some good wishes to you Op. It sounds like such a difficult and stressful situation. You need a partner who is going to work with you and get themselves informed about parenting a neurodiverse child. You have clearly tried and tried and he's not budged a millimetre towards you. I think the poster above must be right in their interpretation about the helpline's comments on your relationship - as a context for understanding what happened rather than them instructing you to work on your marriage. I think you can talk until you are blue in the face and he won't hear or understand you. A professional might get through, but he's so far refused to put himself in a position where he could hear from one.

Your child is 6 and has Asd. Your H is in his 40s. He's trying to hold your 6 year old to a higher standard than he holds himself. He is unable to control himself and self regulate. How does he expect a 6 year old to.

Your Hs behavior was very unsafe. He could have left the room. He chose to pick put the chair. He chose to tip the chair upside down. He chose to thrown your child on the floor. He couldn't predict the outcome. Your child is okay because he got lucky. He could have just as easily landed on his head /neck or fallen funny and done some serious damage.

What I find worrying is... this is the shit he's doing in front of you. What do you think he's doing behind your back?

Also, he isn't sorry! He's trying to minimise it. He's trying to justify it. He isn't mortified or trying to repair things. He isn't trying to access support, learning or therapy. Your H isn't engaging.

I think you need to priorities your children's safety over maintaining a family or relationship. I think you need to leave or ask him to leave. If he's prepared to do the work to learn how to support his child, work on his parenting, self regulation, anger management and engage in therapy your relationship has a chance. If not then you need to walk away. If not for your sake for the children's.

You are advocating and championing child abuse. You really are morally bankrupt aren't you.
You're not the only child abuse excuser on here though. I've seen a few posts condoning slapping/ hitting children.
Shame on you all.

I completely agree

I can see how intensely frustrating it would be for your DH to work hard to make a nice meal for the family and constantly have it rejected. It is exhausting.

@Breadandbutta He threw a six-year-old boy to the ground over a chicken nugget. Sorry but I don't care how 'exhausting' it is to have your 'nice meal' rejected. He put some fucking chicken nuggets in the oven and then assaulted his infant child.

I really don't give a fuck how 'frustrating' it is for him, a grown man who has repeatedly refused to engage with any kind of advice and support in favour of using verbal cruelty and physical violence, to have cooked a dinner his kid didn't want.

It's very concerning that anyone thinks this is remotely okay.

Can you not see from this that he is uncaring and controlling? His anger comes from you and your children not doing things his way when he wants them done.

This is no way to live OP. He needs to leave. He doesn’t have compassion for you or respect.

If this is what they said about your marriage, I'm not sure they were telling you to focus on your marriage so much as pointing out that your husband is taking out marital stress on your son.

If your husband is choosing not be the parent your son needs, or to even acknowledge that he has a part to play in ensuring his safety, then I think you know that you can save your marriage or save your son, but not both.

@DeftWasp

"I don't disapprove of corporal punishment so long as it is moderate"

This is the 21st century, the law in England, you are obviously correct permits an adult to cause the reddening of their child's body because they've (the parents) lost control and do not have have the wherewithall to restrain their ire.

In which universe should it be permissible for a grown adult to administer corporal punishment to someone one a quarter of their size.

Zero excuse whatsoever, law or no!! Numpty

edited; sp.

This. My ASD son hits me most days. Today he pinched me extremely hard on the arm and hit me with a water bottle. He is very strong for his age and it hurts a lot when he does this. It is sometimes very very hard not to instinctively defend myself physically in response. We have never smacked him, so this is not learned from us, but is a symptom of his dysregulation and inability to cope with what he perceives as frustration/rejection/failure/criticism. I feel I am walking on eggshells constantly at home so as not to do anything which might set him off, but it can be unpredictable. I can see how intensely frustrating it would be for your DH to work hard to make a nice meal for the family and constantly have it rejected. It is exhausting.

For information, from the review of Section 58 of the Children's Act

"The law is clear. But there appears to be a lack of understanding about precisely what the law allows and does not allow. The law does not permit anyone deliberately or recklessly to cause injury to a child which is more than transient and trifling. It is important that parents understand the law so that they can bring up their children in the most effective way they see, and not live in unreasonable fear of being subject to criminal investigation. It is important too that practitioners, particularly social workers, understand the law and are honest with parents about its effect, while giving whatever advice and recommendations they think best to help parents bring up their children effectively"

This. I have close family members who have neurodivergence I see how hard their parents are trying and how they have reached breaking point many times over. But it’s whether your husband reflects and recognises his behaviour is not ok and takes steps to address this.

The law varies across the UK, Corporal Punishment is legal in England and NI, illegal in Wales and Scotland.

That's the law, that's the way it is, and that's your legal jurisdictions.

And to be clear, where it's legal that's a smack, not pushing a kid of his chair onto a hard floor (although a lot depends on the consequences of the action as the law defines by injuries sustained, they must be no more than "transient and trifling", the example given being "temporary reddening of the skin")

To be clear, I don't disapprove of corporal punishment so long as it is moderate and as the law in a certain jurisdiction dictates

What the actual fuck….. what certain jurisdiction???!!!!!!

I'm quite speechless.

The law in England clearly defines what is reasonable, the wording is: "a temporary reddening of the skin" & "transient and trifling" - if you don't like it campaign to have it changed by all means, but that's the law of the land.

I agree, the lad will be autistic his whole life, which is tough, but that doesn't mean he won't have to cope in the world, live in the world, be part of the world, do what he is told, adapt to change etc.. to that end he needs to learn to live with his condition and succeed in spite of it.

It’s because your son has already come to harm, and you couldn’t prevent that, but clearly would have done if you could. They don’t think it’s your fault. You have done your best after the harm has been done, but they see an ongoing threat and don’t think you could stop your H harming your child again, if you stay with him. Not because they blame you, but because this is a stronger adult man and you couldn’t stop him before in that moment where he harmed your son (I'm also not sure how you could have).

They are worried staying afterwards might look like condoning what happened and leaves your son at risk. You obviously don’t condone this and I think you seem like a very loving and involved mum, but imagine it from an outsider’s perspective. Your H doesn’t listen to you, has shown no signs of remorse and he’s not someone they know, so this is just a man who harms his child, and you have written very movingly about the emotional impact on your little boy. They are deeply concerned for your children and just want you to fix it for them, and be safe. They are trying to scare you into action, and it probably comes from a good place, even though it is making you feel judged and unsupported.

It's also not their lives. It’s so easy to see a solution when it’s words on a screen from a stranger and you aren’t getting contradictory views from lots of people, all while trying not to make the wrong life altering decision you can’t take back, yet knowing whatever you do/don’t do your life might never be the same after this point.

It’s a lot to take in and process, but also if your H is abusive things often get a lot worse when you try to leave and it might not stop him seeing your children. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for expert advice and taking your time to process this, so if you do leave, it’s in the safest way. That said, it also might not hurt to have a plan to avoid your children coming to further harm while this is going on. Could they stay with a friend or relative for a little while, so you have time to think things over but know nothing else harmful will happen? What if a relative came to visit, would he react the same in front of them?